Sometimes I hate having a past. Because just when you think something is over and done with, its memory, its stain, its proof that you fucked up comes charging back into your life like it was yesterday. And you have to explain yourself to others and to yourself all over again. We all have a past and things in it that we aren't proud of. I feel like I have more than most. I've also had time to accept it because I lived it. But what about when other people find out? People close to, that you care about, whose opinion matters to you; who you care about and respect so much that you never want them to know what you were capable of at one point?
I am in a strange and somewhat upsetting place right now. From the beginning, I have been very open and honest with O.C. about my past relationships and "skeletons" in my closet. And up until this point, she has been more than understanding, more than patient and more than loving and accepting of those "tough times" in my life. I was very honest about it all, except one. One secret that I have kept from nearly everyone in my life. It was 4 years ago, hasn't been an issue in my life in 3 and I had accepted all the consequences that came with it. I was done with it. But deep down, it made me sick to think about keeping something so significant from her. I promised her I'd never lie to her and here I was keeping this thing from her.
So I told her.
Of all the things in my past that I have done, this is the one that upset her most. Maybe that's why it took me so long to tell her? I already suspected it would. I think in a way, yes that's true. I don't like to deal with things that give me anxiety (which this did) so I put it off. I felt better once I told her, and she wasn't mad at me per se, just the situation.
But now a new situation is occurring because the person this confession involves is still a part of my life. And that makes her uncomfortable. So now I have to choose between a possibly unhealthy friendship and my girlfriend. I've already chosen my girlfriend, but that doesn't make this transition any easier. This person is going to be upset and hurt, thinking all of our past issues were resolved. And now they are back. I know a lot of these issues I seem to encounter could have been solved if I had better judgement earlier on. But I learn by doing, which is why my past is so damn crazy. I wasn't thinking about how my actions would affect future relationships and it blowing up in my face.
We are still very much in love, still have open communication, still joke around, still have serious moments. We are great. But this is remains to be an underlying issue that I can't keep sweeping under the rug. The most important thing to me now is to ensure that O.C. is comfortable and happy in our relationship. She is my priority. She is my focus. I love her. I don't love the other person. I care about them, they are my friend but they don't trump the love of my life. So I will deal with it as the bombs keep dropping around me.
