Dear Natalie,

After 5 (going on 6) glasses of wine, and a shitty holiday experience (thanks to my dysfunctional family), i started thinking about natalie and decided to write her a letter. Luckily, due to my tiny bit of good sense that i have left, i decided not to send it but to post it on here instead. It's still a release, but this way i don't have to regret it tomorrow. So here it is.

i have nothing to say to you. But i can't stop thinking about you lately and it's pissing me off. I don't want to hear anything you have to say. it doesn't matter. But i'm on the verge of caring again and I don't know why. I don't want to give a shit. Why should I? Everything we had has been for nothing. I don't want to be with you again. I don't want to be a fucking secret, I deserve more. But to brush you off as a fluke isn't okay with me either. I refuse to believe that my first time at love was a lie. It was fucked up. It was doomed from the start. But I'll be damned if it wasn't real. 

I don't get close to people. I don't think you understand that. I have a strict pattern that i've followed for years. I lead a detached life. And then I met you. You are the first person that i clung to. I warned you how serious this was to me, let you close, letting you in. You said you understood and then you went and fucking broke me. I'm so mad at you. You hurt me. I never wanted anything from you except love. And I didn't get it. Instead I got this broken heart, and I'm so mad at you for that. 

There is no way for me to explain to you or anyone else the feelings I have right now. I hate you but I don't. I love you but I don't. I miss you but I don't. I'm a walking contradiction when it comes to you. But at the end of the day, i still care. I still hurt. I'm moving on from you, don't get me wrong. Since i cut you out of my life for good, my days have been much easier. This heartbreak has been much more bearable. But i knew it would catch up. And here we are.

You know what i wish? I wish we never had anything at all. Because falling in love with you has been the most destructive and pointless thing to happen to me in a while. You were never there for me like I needed. You showed me just enough for me to trust and get excited about the possibility of happiness... and then you took it all away. I don't understand your purpose in my life anymore. I wish you would fucking disappear from my mind.

And at the same time, I just wish I knew you were going to be okay. Fuck me and all these damn contradictions. Just fuck.

Sometimes I really hate being so emotional.  Whatever, time to finish my wine. Happy Easter, ha.