Telling my family

So I've been going back and forth for a couple months now on whether to tell people in my family. Most recently I was considering telling my mom. We have a pretty close relationship and part of me thinks she has her own suspicions about me anyway. She has that motherly sense, you know? I was very close to telling her two weeks ago. But something happened. I got a new job.


I know what you're thinking, what does that have to do with anything? Well, the thing is, my mom and I get along about most things. She's even-tempered and patient and easy to talk to. Except when it comes to my future in the professional world. Something about this topic brings the overbearing-in your face-tell you obvious things-don't take no for answer-judgmental-can't hide your feelings-side out in her. And I just can't deal with it. I've always been the 'wild card' in my family. My sister is very driven and goal oriented. Both my parents are established professionals. And then there's me. I didn't always do well in school. My dream is to be a musician/song-writer. Very not practical. I'm not practical, I'm creative and I have dreams. But I've been going down the professional path lately. And I got this new job. A job I think I would like to do until I can follow my dreams completely. My parents should be thrilled. And for the most part I think they are. But my mom became very... overbearing during the process of negotiating salary and deciding if I want this job. She was judgmental and outspoken. And it really bothered me. I'm 24. I am capable of making my own decisions and I don't need anyone, especially my family, making me feel bad about those decisions. 


So long story short, I was about a week away from coming out to my mom and she had to go and do that. It's times like that when I worry that she would take this news and look at it in a practical way. Like "You can't be gay, think of how much harder you're going to make it on yourself." As if I have a choice. I just worry that she won't understand. Which, in some ways, I completely understand why she wouldn't. Hell, I'M still trying to understand. I keep saying I don't even know what I'm coming out as. I like women. I only want to date women. I don't want to date men. Don't particularly enjoy sex with men. I absolutely enjoy sex with women. And yet, I won't call myself a lesbian. What's that about? 


I guess what it really comes down to at this point is this: I have trouble with absolutes. I'd say commitment, but it's more than that. And I can be a very loyal person, so commitment is the wrong word. I don't believe in forever- that's an absolute. I don't believe in never. By calling myself a lesbian, I am swearing off men for good. Men have been such a huge part of my life up until this point. Not all good. In fact, a lot bad. But they have helped shape who I am today. The second I call myself a lesbian, people instantly have new expectations for me. Expectations that i don't know if I can live up to, or want to live up to. And everyone keeps telling me that I don't need a label. Maybe I'll believe in that one day. But right now, I'm trying to figure out who I am. I don't know what to call myself. How can I define me without a name. Without a label. How do I come out to those closest to me when i don't even know what to tell myself?


I was having dinner with my family last night, and my sister's boyfriend. It was my birthday dinner. We were having fun. Everyone was getting along (for once). But I couldn't help but wonder how different it would have been if they knew the real me. Not that I am faking who I am. But what if they knew all of me? Would they still be able to sit at a table with me and laugh and joke and take what I have to say seriously? Would they still want to be in the same room with me? My sister is a bit sheltered in some ways. She gets uncomfortable very easily talking about anything sexual, even as a joke. My dad is borderline homophobic, and we do not have a very good relationship as it is. For years, he has seen everything I do as a screw up, and the only reason I have been successful is because he has "saved my ass time and time again." So I'm really not looking for one more thing to screw up in his eyes. And my mom, well like I said, we're close but we have our disconnects. I just want to be able to be myself and not be afraid that the people closest to me will look at me different. I want to know that they will accept me, and not distance themselves from me because they don't understand or approve. 


I don't know. All of this is so much to deal with. And it's only one sliver of my life. There is so much else going on around me. Around everyone. I'm just trying to make it, like everyone else. Just trying to survive the best way I know how. It's tough being confident, and strong and positive and successful- it's tough being all these things I know I'm capable of- when there's so much to be unsure about. But I'll take this burden over faking being someone I'm not any day.