Playing the game

So, I have like a million and one things going on in my life right now. I recently was offered my first full time job w/ salary and benefits, so I'm really exited about that. I have my music career, which is on the cusp of taking off (once I complete my never-ending to do list), and who knows where that will take me. Of course, I have to continue maintaining my relationships with friends and family, all while trying to come out to myself and others. And I'm dating again. Talk about a lot on my mind!

Let's talk about dating. Because it's most relevant right now and honestly, it's juuciest. So you kind of know my history a little bit. The last 6 months anyway. I fell in love with a married woman and lost the battle for her time, attention, love and all that. Although as time goes on, I see that she actually lost me. But whatever.

So I'm dating. I've never been much of a dater, even when I was dating guys. I know I could get dates. I just, I dunno, I've never been like other girls. Not in my own mind anyway. Growing up, I was a major tom boy (I have pictures of the bowl cut to prove it). I wasn't all cutesy and girly. Didn't know how to flirt or any of that. Needless to say, I grew up pretty awkward when it came to dating. I've grown out of my awkward habits for the most part (or learned how to turn my awkwardness into something charming/endearing) and am pretty confident in my ability to carry a conversation/flirt/be sexy! Haha sorry. But seriously, I'm almost all "better" now. But what I do have a problem with is playing the game.

Everyone knows about the game. The one where you pretend like you don't care and aren't interested even though you absolutely do and you really really are. Why do we have to play games anyway? If I like you, and you like me, why do I have to ignore you for two days after we had an awesome date? And why am I needy and clingy if I ignore that rule and text you the next day? It's silly and annoying, and apparently necessary. I need to master my skills before I become that girl. I'm not trying to U-Haul it, I swear! I'm just saying I'd like to see you again. Is that so bad?

So my date on Saturay was amazing. We went out to dinner at this trendy little place in what is known as the "gay" city of the area. It was a blind date, so I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was definitely not disappointed once we met. We talked for nearly 6 hours. She's smart, funny, attractive, atristic, well-spoken, has goals, has a good job, she laughs at my jokes (which is a BIG plus, and really important given the fact that I am rarely ever serious), and she seemed to be having just as good of a time as I was. And sure, I'll kiss and tell.. she seemed to enjoy that part of our evening as well!

So why is it that I walked away from that evening thinking a second date was guaraunteed and less than a week later, I'm wondering if she's even thought of me since? Am I just paranoid? Insecure? I don't know, maybe? I obviously don't let this crazy side of me out to her. But I do feel like I'm chasing her and I don't like that. So I'm going to back off. I'm going to act like I have better things to do. Fake it til I make it? I'm going to play this damn game and hope it works. I'm told it's good to date around a little. Not be a hoebag, but check out all the possibilities, as opposed to banking on just one. But I'm the kind of person who likes to focus on one girl at time, despite my extreme A.D.D. in everything else. So this will be new for me.

Part of me thinks I am even more like this as a result of dating a married woman. I was always fighting for her attention, her love. And any chance I had to talk with her, call her, text her, see her, I jumped on it. Because that time was always limited. I'm new at this healthy relationship/dating thing. Bear with me!

Sometimes I feel like an actual crazy person. I wonder, does anyone else put themselves through all these mental hoops, or have I just completely lost my mind? Maybe once I really lose it, I'll stop caring and things will just fall into place? Maybe that'll be my new goal: insanity! All I know is I'm not going to text this girl or call her or talk to her online at all unless she cantacts me first. Something about her earning me? Who knows, but I have nothing to lose at this point.