Not this time

So, a little background for you. Back in August I met a woman that came into where I worked. She worked across the street and would come in for her morning coffee each day. Anyways, we started talking outside of work and eventually one thing led to another and before I knew it... we were in love. (I realize that is the very, very abridged version, but it's important to keep this saga moving.) Now where was I? Oh yeah, being in love.

I've never been in love before, so this was kind of a big deal for me. Not kind of, it was. The problem was, and still is (if this were still an ongoing thing), is that she's "married" to another woman. We went through the whole thing of me waiting and hoping and her promising to leave her. All of that. But when it really came down to it, I was in my own little disillusioned world. The reality was that we would never fully, truly be together. That has been an incredibly hard pill for me to swallow. Debilitating even. Just gut-wrenching heartbreak all around. 3 weeks ago, I cut her out of my life for good. No more talking to her. No more thinking about her. Nothing. I had to do it for my own sanity. It is impossibly hard to love someone who can't love you back the way you want them to. The way you deserve to be loved. And it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I've noticed over the last 3 weeks however, that by not allowing myself to think about her anymore, my suffering has gone dramatically down. I even had a date last weekend! And it went very well! (More on that later). It was like flipping a switch. I had been waiting for something else to happen for so long that when it finally did (even though it was a choice I made, not her), it's like I was ready to move on. I'm not naive to that fact that I could easily slip back into this trap of sadness. The second I get too comfortable I know it will creep back in. But I've never felt freer from this pain than i do right now.

The thing about a breakups is it's just this constant roller coaster of emotions. I'm strong right now. I hope I can remain strong, but there's always that temptation, that curiosity looming. What if I just take a peak at her blog? Or read through old emails. Or look through old pictures. It's all at my finger tips. I just have to maintain this desire to want more for myself. I know she can't make me happy so I need to stop letting her make me sad.

That being said, she wrote me a blog today. Wait. Time out. Let's rewind. One of the only ways I was ever able to communicate my thoughts to her was through blogging, because her wife knew about me, we had to be super secretive. So she eventually made one too and would occasionally post on it. When I stopped talking to her 3 weeks ago, I tried to unfollow her blog but couldn't figure out how to. And i was really trying. So on my dashboard page, it always shows the blog I'm following and the updates from them. For 3 weeks nothing changed. Until today when I saw the subject line of my name. She had written me. Even though i asked her not to contact me anymore. This is what she said:

i don't know if you ever check this.

i honestly hope that you don't.

i hope that you've moved on from this fucked up situation.

but, if you happen to stumble onto this blog again in the future, i want you to know that i still think of you every day and i hope nothing but the best for you. you will always hold a very special place in my heart and i thank you for everything that you've given me.

love,
nat

I didn't want to read it, but I have this little self-control problem (shocking, I know) and I knew i was going to look at it. The fact that she wrote this shows me that she isn't strong enough or maybe she's too selfish to see why it's not right for her to do. She says she doesn't want me to read it, but if that were true she wouldn't post it to begin with. I just don't understand why she keeps telling me things like this when she can't follow through. One of the most frustrating things about her was that she never fought for me. She promised me we'd be okay and then never made it happen. She also never pushed me away when she knew she couldn't be what I needed/wanted her to be. She just kinda coasted off of whatever I chose to do at the time. I wanted to feel like I mattered and when I wasn't strong enough to walk away, I wanted her to be strong for the both of us. But she told me she's not strong enough. She's weak. That's why she's trapped in this unhappy life. Too weak to do anything about it.

It makes me sad for her. I cut her out of my life for survival, but I still want her to be okay. I still want her to survive. Not just survive, but find happiness. I thought I could make her happy. I thought if I just loved her enough and let her know, then everything would be okay. But I was wrong. I was naive to think this was ever in my power or control. The more time goes on and I begin to heal, the more I see that this was doomed from the start. But I have absolutely learned from this. I'll never be here again. (I hope not, anyways. I have a nasty habit of repeating history too. All of this you will learn). I won't be fooled again. Not this time.

From now on, SINGLE LADIES ONLY. And even they give me trouble! More on that tomorrow. Off to bed now. Goodnight.