COMING OUT of my mind

So, I have a girlfriend and I'm pretty damn excited about it. I have the most content feeling when I think about it; when I think about her. I went back and read my entire blog today, to kind of relive the whole thing from the getting over natalie, to our first date, to the wondering and waiting and doubting...all of it. And I noticed a couple key things. One, I'm obsessed with "playing the game" but when it really comes down to it, i totally didn't. I was over eager and i didn't make her come to me. Still worked though, being myself worked. Fancy that. Another thing I noticed was my constant self doubt, does she like me? Is this mutual? Lots of uncertainty followed by a combination for surprise and glee when she did something that showed me she likes me. And lastly, what I noticed from reading my entire blog through is that I have genuinely liked her since the beginning. I'm always just happy to be around her. Whether we're out on a date, having drinks or falling asleep next to one another, I am just so content when I'm with her.

So we decided the other night that it was time for us to have a title. It didn't happen right away though. She brought it up with me before we went to sleep the other night. She started by telling me she really likes me, which she hasn't been incredibly vocal about so it was really nice to hear. And then she asked what I thought about us having a title more than booty call, which I quickly corrected her and said she has never been a booty call. I really thought this was going in the direction of having a title that night. So i got excited, and a little bit ahead of myself and I said i think that's a great idea! And then there was a pause, so I filled it with "but it doesn't have to happen, I don't want you to feel rushed or pressured." She then went on to talk about some of her biggest concerns.

One being she starts grad school in the fall, and it's going to be a pretty rigorous/intense program that she's going to need her full attention on. I've known since I met her that she is a very driven and motivated person and that her career is very important to her. That's one of the many things I love about her. And I know that I will be a distraction for her. In fact, she even said I will be the only one actually. She's pretty good at blocking everything else out (her words, not mine). I tried to tell her that I never want to be the reason her education or career is put in jeopardy. I want to support her, not distract her from what really matters. But just based on the nature of our relationship, I will be a distraction.

Her other concern was about me and the fact that we met just as I was getting over a pretty serious heart break and she didn't know if I'd be ready for a relationship. And to be honest, it's a completely fair concern. If I were her, I'd be thinking the same thing. But the thing is, and I tried to explain this the best I could at the time, the reason it's so easy to get over natalie now is that i see that i deserve more than she could ever give me. I was desperate for her when I thought that i had to settle. But once I removed myself from the situation and saw that not only do i have a lot to offer someone, there are people out there even more amazing who will appreciate me. Why would I stay hung up on someone who is completely wrong for and undeserving of me when I have someone amazing standing right in front of me. I explained that while the heartache was real, the most difficult part of that whole ordeal was not losing natalie, it was that I may have wasted my first experience with love on something much less. Infatuation. That has been the hardest pill to swallow.  Admitting it wasn't real love. Sucks, but accepting that has helped me move on.

By the end of my two explanations, I basically said "Listen I like you a lot, I'm not trying to date anyone else and I would of course love to have a title with you, but I also don't want you to feel any sort of pressure or like I have expectations of you at this point, because I don't. I want to take it as fast or as slow as you do." And then I waited for a response. Anything would have done. But instead, we both laid there til we fell asleep. So badly i wanted to ask her what she was thinking, but I was afraid to hear the answer, so I just laid there cuddled up next to her, with my head on her chest and listened to her heart beat, wondering/worrying that I was going to lose her. It was the first time I really felt like this might not go the way I thought it would, and it scared me. Honestly, it just made me really sad.

But, obviously more must have happened because I already told you how it ends! So i went to work the next day and before I left I told her I could really use a beer. So she said she'd like to buy me one after work. Twist my arm, ok! So we went to the restaurant/bar at the end of her street. And over the course of about... maybe 3 hours, we talked about a lot of things. Casual stuff like work, and school and weekend plans, to how we first met, to how neither of us ever expected this to happen. These feelings to develop. And the interesting thing is that we both are coming from such different places but we are in the exact same boat. We are both scared, and we both admitted that, which was actually a huge comfort to me. We are building something together, trust and a relationship and a future. It's scary stuff and for two people who have trouble letting someone in, it's a really big deal. We ended up re-discussing her two concerns from the night before. Because I brought them up and said 'so I was afraid to bring this up last night but..." Ha, smooth right? Well i was being honest. And she said as far as the school thing is concerned, as long as I understand that once school starts things are going to be different and she has to do well and stay focused, then there's no reason this can't work. She won't fight it. Even if she wanted to, apparently, she couldn't. (Again, her words, not mine). On a side note, she told me that when it was time to pick what grad school she went to, I was part of the reason she chose the one she did. (The one she chose is in the city we live in now, the other option was an hour and a half away in her hometown. Much less expensive that the one she picked, but not as reputable). The reason this is crazy to me is that our first date was like 3 days before she had to make her final decision. So, I must have made a bit of an impression early on after all.

Ok I'm starting to write a book again, so I'll wrap this up. We ended up just having a really awesome talk and we decided the only way this will work is through honestly and open communication. I agreed. But we still never came out and established ourselves as having a title. Fast forward to us being back at her place, and kissing in the hallway. I pulled away briefly, raised my hand like i was in school and said 'i have a question. now, no pressure, buttt, remember when you asked if we should be more than booty call status and have a title... do you think we should or should not have a title at this point... juusst curious?' And she laughed, and said oh yeah i guess we did forget to address that. well.......i guess i'd say.....TITLE!' And then i believe I let out a "WOO!" and did a little dance. 

And that, my friends, is how you get a girlfriend! haha