Out of body experience? Well maybe not that extreme..

I am having a weird moment right now. It's actually happening as I type this. I'm on my gmail account, and for some unknown reason I typed in Natalie's name to the search and read our last gchat conversation (which was our last convo since we decided to stop speaking). I read through the entire thing, still feeling relatively indifferent towards her. Although reading things like "i'll always love you" kinda makes me stomach turn. Not in a longing, 'i miss you' way. More of a 'what a waste of a good sentence' kinda way. How could I begin to think I knew what love was and that I had it with her? I was so blind, so quick to settle for less and immerse myself in it. I still look at her tumblr page from time to time and to my own surprise, I still feel nothing. But just now, I took her off block and put her on always show on the sidebar and there she was. There she is. Online. Right now. I have no desire to talk to her. I have nothing to say. I no longer need her to care about anything going on in my life. I'm happy. I am so happy and excited about my relationship with O.C. But I am still looking at her page and reading our old chats. I guess the reason I am doing these things comes down to this: I don't want to be with her and I don't miss how it felt to always be number two or some dirty little secret, but for 3 short months it was a huge part of my life. She is still the first person I said I love you to and meant it (or thought I meant it). We had a connection, for sure. But it wasn't enough. I guess I just want her to be okay. Even if that means me looking on from a distance. And it does. It always will, unless I stop looking. I never want to see first hand, how she's doing again. The time has come and gone.

Still, it's weird to see her name on that sidebar again. Takes me back to such desperation. Such heartbreak. And that was only two months ago.