I told someone from work last night that I'm gay. It was scary but liberating. And once it (or I) was out, I felt so much better. The entire night prior I was holding back so much because anything I had to say would've given myself away and it was not the time or place. But eventually, she started asking me about her friend and if I thought he was cute. I finally just said "He's not my type." So of course she asked "well what is your type" and I hesitated briefly, took a deep breath..and said.. "women." Shockingly easy. She didn't freak out or tell me I'm weird, she just seemed a little surprised. Like, "Oh...really?" And then actually, she ended up saying she wasn't that surprised, haha. She couldn't really explain why. Then again, she was a tad tipsy at the time too. But that's okay. The point is I came out to someone in the professional world! And they still like me. Holy crap, that really is a big deal for me. It's taken me two years to get comfortable being in that world in general, and here I go rockin' the boat with my sexuality. And it wasn't that bad. I kinda want to tell more people. Maybe I'll just write it on my forehead on Monday, get it out of the way, first thing! haha Or not...
So O.C.; I really like her. A lot. I told her this the other night. And then she kissed me. Does that mean she likes me a lot too? I hope so. I'm nervous though. I don't want to screw this up. I'm finally playing by the rules and I like it. Sneaking around, doing the "taboo" thing is exciting but it gets old. At the end of the day, I just want to be happy and have the simple things. Love, trust, commitment. I know I fear all things absolute, like the words forever and never. But I've never had them, so obviously I'm going to fear the unknown. I'm not saying this thing with O.C. is an absolute either. I just want to get to a place with her where I can feel like we have something stable. But I don't want to scare her away at the same time.
I have all these little ideas I want to do, like bringing her breakfast in the morning after she gets off from working nightshift. Or leaving a flower on her car windshield on my way to work in the morning. Little things that I can do to show her I'm thinking about her and I like her. But I don't want her to feel smothered or like I'm coming on too strong. Especially when I'm the first person she's really let herself open up to. I don't want to take things too fast for her. Ahh, the games I play in my head, I swear they make me crazy. What if I could just be completely confident in myself and know that what I am doing is enough and what she likes/wants? Is anyone so self-assured? I guess I'm doing okay so far. I feel like she likes me, but the longer I spend away from her the more I start to question myself. I wonder why that is.
She makes me smile though, spontaneously throughout the day. I think back to all the million stupid things I say around that girl and I am amazed that she keeps coming back to me. I am just a fool to the max around her. She does this thing where I'll say something completely embarrassing and ridiculous, then I'll call myself out on it and ask her to say something so I can stop talking and she'll just give me this look like 'oh no, keep going, this is just getting good' so of course I can't stop and i just keep digging in deeper and deeper. Haha it's making me chuckle as I type this. I guess it's charming in some ways. But if I could just be cool for a day around her that'd be nice.
We're going to a baseball game on Sunday; box seats behind home plate (haha, i said box). She invited me. :) Maybe I'll play it cool then. Or maybe not and I won't need to, cuz that's what she likes about me. Hmm, interesting concept...
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