Is that a fair question to ask? No, I don't think so. But it's one I think of sometimes. Is there a reason I feel the way I do beyond being born this way? I've been asked by people I am out to who know me very well if I think the reason I'm gay is because of all the negative experiences I've had with men. Specifically, the relationship I have with my father, who represents everything I never want to be.
I look at my mom and I see how trapped she is, living with this man who has no respect, no regard, no compassion or love for anyone but himself. He is so angry all of the time. And he makes sure everyone else around him is just as unhappy. It's how he runs 'his house.' I never want to be in a situation where I hate coming home to the life that I chose. I love my mom so much, and to see the bullshit she puts up with on a regular basis makes me so sad for her. But that doesn't make me gay. That just makes me a concerned daughter.
Back in 2002, when I was 15, I had a pretty negative experience with a man that I met on the internet. I was searching for something it seemed, and for a brief moment in time it seemed that I had found it in this man. For two whole weeks, I felt like I was the center of his universe. I mattered to him, and so I gave him all of me. Literally. This man, this stranger, who I didn't know it at the time, but was 31, managed to say all the things I need to hear to give him the most precious thing I had- my virginity. And within a week, he was gone again. I harbored this secret with me for 4 years, letting it eat away inside of me, wishing I knew why I wasn't good enough, why he didn't love me, all of that. And then, one day, at age 19, I blurted out to my therapist that I lost my virginity to a man much older than me. That was the beginning of the most difficult year of my life. But it ended with an arrest, and a conviction, and closure. But does that make me gay? No, I still don't think so. It made me learn a lot about myself, like how strong I am even when faced with the (seemingly) impossible.
I think whether or not I had these experiences in my life, I would still feel the way I do about women. And i don't hate men. I strongly dislike anyone, man or woman, who mistreats my family or those I love. And I'm learning to demand more for myself too.
Why am I gay? Who cares. I'm just glad to finally accept that I am.
There is a waterfall in the village I used to live before going to University and sometimes when my thoughts are too unbearable I happen to think about the sound of that water falling down. I try to calm down, to chase away all those things in my mind that run so fast and... it doesn't work, it never works.
ReplyDeleteIt's not like I can't be who I am, it's not like I don't know who I am, it's just like I am not. I lost myself somewhere in my past and I can't turn back to change things. I'll never be able to talk about myself as you do. Nobody knows me here, but I can't either. Everytime I say something more about me I regret it. I'm regretting it. Why? I don't know. I guess it is what it is.
Does it really matter why you are gay? You said you are just glad to accept that you are, and I am glad for you.