Finally syncing up

I had a very vivid dream about Natalie last night. It felt incredibly real. And for once it went the right way.  I had just moved into this new house and somehow I knew it was near where Natalie and her wife would be. So I went out of my way to be in my front yard as they were walking by with their dog. They saw me and came over. I went up to her wife while Natalie was a little farther away with the dog and I apologized to her. It wasn't tense. I wasn't sad inside. I was genuinely apologetic for trying to come between them. She looked longingly back at Natalie and then back at me and said she forgave me because they were happy again. Then Natalie come over to me and her wife went away, and I said "So how are you?" She breathed heavy, looked me in the eyes, and with a look of desperation on her face that let me know she was spiraling out of control and lost-- still. Still unhappy and faking it every day. She said she wasn't happy. She said she missed me and reached for my hand. I pulled away from her when she did that. I told her I had a girlfriend. I didn't have to say anymore. She knew I had moved on and was happy. Her wife came back over, Natalie put the smile back on her face and they walked away with their dog, to their "happy" home where they live a "happy" life because they are so "in love."

I have no idea where their relationship stands in real life. I do know that the last time we had any interaction she wasn't happy. She was putting on her happy face for her wife but inside she was "dying a little more each day." She told me that the way she portrays her life online is just for show. So when I occasionally look on her tumblr page and see all the "happy" pictures and posts, i'm inclined to think it's a lie.

I've said this before, I don't feel sadness or longing for her anymore. I don't miss her. But I have been thinking about her a lot lately, and feeling a little angry. I'm also feeling kind of guilty about it, because O.C. is so great and when I was at my breaking point, she really did save me from myself. Natalie doesn't deserve my thoughts or time. But she's part of them because whether it was right or not, and whether I've moved on or not, it still happened and it still affects me. I don't devote too much time. Mostly I just check in out of curiosity and because of my mild obsessiveness about this sorta thing. I'm glad my subconscious dream world is finally syncing up with my real feelings though. It feels good to be where I'm at and with who I'm with.