An end in sight

I wrote Natalie an email a few days ago. I told O.C. I was thinking about doing it, and she encouraged me to, which by the way, there aren't enough ways for me to express how amazing she is for that. But I wasn't sure if it was appropriate or if it really would do any good. I eventually decided it was a necessary step in really detaching myself from the situation. I'm almost over her. I'm almost able to say that I don't think about her and wonder what she's doing. But I'll be honest, sometimes I still do. Not in the way that I used to. It's not a longing, or even a curiosity. I think it's more a habit really, one that has been slow to break. But I'm close to the end.

In my email, I wanted to get across two things. One, that I was sorry for not taking my part of the blame for the situation. When we were in the middle of everything, I was so focused on her not hurting me, and her doing me wrong, that I failed to acknowledge my wrong-doing as well. And that's not fair. We both made poor decisions. It's not like I didn't know I was getting involved with a married woman and shocked when it didn't work out. I knew I was taking a risk and I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. So I wanted to take my part of the blame. I also wanted her to know that I moved on and no longer had animosity towards her. Now, the thing about that is I'm not sure if I'm 100% over that part of it. I think part of me is still angry at her, but the quickest way to accept that and move on I think is to say it out loud. Not quite 'fake it til you make it' but more, 'see it to believe it.' Me telling her I'm not upset anymore and letting that part of my life go is very freeing. Holding it in and wishing things were different was so detrimental to my health and well-being. I want her to be okay but I want me to be okay too. So I made those two points very clear, and told her I hope she finds or has already found happiness, because even assholes, liars and cheats deserve a second chance.

I wasn't sure if she would respond. Nor was I sure if I wanted her to or not. I had mixed feelings about it either way. I think my curiosity really wanted to her respond, and the rest of me just wanted it to kind of fade away. I said what I needed to say and that's all that matters. I wasn't writing this to get a response, I was writing it to get closure. Well, after a few days went by, I checked my email and there was a response from Natalie in my inbox. My eyes jumped immediately to it and I opened it. Old habits die hard. She was brief. I could tell she probably went back and forth for a while on what to say and eventually settled on something detached and more than anything, kind of empty. She told me she had been drafting lettings to me for months now, "writing and deleting, writing and deleting" and now that she an opportunity to speak, she was at a loss for what to say.  She ended up saying thank you and 'I hope sending this helped you.' That line tells me so much more than I wanted to know. She's still miserable and trapped. She took the high road for once and let me have my peace.  She hopes this helped me, because it surely didn't help her. That's how I read it. She also apologized for ruining the possibility for a really amazing friendship with her selfishness and stupidity. I regret that too. Due to my own selfishness and stupidity.

Natalie and I had good chemistry. Not just in a romantic kind of way. Our personalities meshed very well. We got along, made either laugh, liked similar music. All of the things you look for in friendship. But we both took it too far because we were searching for something, for our own selfish reasons. We did miss out on a really cool friendship and I'm sad for that. But this is where it ends. This is where it has to end. I'm glad I got to say my piece, and get my closure. I think I'll always wonder about her, and hope she found a way to be happy. But always from a distance. And those thoughts will be fewer and farther between as time goes on.

I sent O.C. what I sent to Natalie and then I told her today that she responded. We had a really good talk about it. It's so nice and refreshing and a huge weight off my shoulders to be able to talk to her so openly about my past. Just one more reason I feel so lucky to have her in my life. I really do love her.