Three little words

I'm feeling grossly emotional right now. I don't know what my deal is. I'm not even PMSing. Natalie has been on my mind a lot lately. I still check her blog weekly. Just to see how she is doing. I just went back into my email and read our last convo ever. It's making my teary. I'm still pretty upset with her I think, and at the situation in general.

What I've really been thinking about a lot lately is telling O.C. I love her too... which I haven't yet. I think about it all day long when we're apart, and when we're finally together, I can't muster up the courage to say it. I feel it, why can't I say it?

My theory is two fold. And both involve Natalie. The first theory is that the first and last time I told someone (Natalie) I loved them, it completely 100% burned me. I know in hindsight, it was a doomed situation from the start and I should have seen the heartbreak coming. I also know that O.C. is very different from Natalie and she shouldn't suffer because I made a mistake that got me hurt before her. But I think somewhere, deep down or maybe right on the surface, I'm afraid to say it and put myself out there again. Maybe, even though I don't consider my time with Natalie real love, it was the first time I ever said the words "I love you" and I cried for many nights when I finally let her go.

My other theory, or reason for hesitation is guilt based. I care about O.C. so much. She is truly an amazing person and girlfriend. I never want to hurt her. I always want to be here for her. And I never want her to think she isn't good enough. I want my love to be enough. I want my 'I love you' to be on her level. But my 'I love you' is tainted because of Natalie. I used it too soon and got burned. I basically wasted my first i Love you on a failed bout of infatuation and now when I want to let her know how special she is to me, all I have to give is this recycled 'l' word. I don't want her to think she is sloppy seconds. She is the first. She is the only. I want to be good enough for her.

I know everything happens for a reason. And part of the reason I met O.C. is because of my heartbreak with Natalie, but I really hate the beating emotions and confidence take with relationships of any kind. I hate feel vulnerable and weak. I hate not being able to take back actions, words, and feelings. I want to be able to tell my girlfriend I love her without any of this other crap. She deserves to know she is not alone in this.

I think I will tell her tomorrow.