Lately

I keep fighting the urge to contact Natalie again. Mostly because I know that I can't actually help her. But now that I'm no longer being hurt by her, I want to help her. I'd like to be there for her. I know, I know, how messed up is that? I thought about emailing her. I thought about leaving a comment on her blog that she hasn't updated in 5 months. I thought about talking to her on gchat. I've thought about a lot of things. But I can't bring myself to go through with any of them. I know that wouldn't be for the best. Just in the way that I wanted her to be the bigger person and walk away from me because she knew she couldn't be there for me, I  need to do the same and let her be. But still, the feeling is there.

In other news, O.C. started grad school last week. For the next 28 months, her life will not be her own. And therefore, her time will not be our time. We'll steal moments and a weekend her and there, but for the most part, school will be her main focus 24/7. I feel confident that I will be able to adjust from seeing her everyday to seeing her much less, and having less time to do the things we like to do together, even if that just means falling asleep together or eating frozen pizza in her apartment for dinner. She needs to focus. She needs to do well. She will do well. Her future and plans for it existed long before I was in her life, so I have to be sure I don't negatively impact the course of this process. Two close friends of mine have been in this situation for over 2 years now. They began their relationship right before the one entered into grad school, and now 2+ years into it, it's really putting a strain on the relationship. I'm confident that me and O.C.'s relationship can withstand the stress school will put on it, but I worry sometimes that I will let it get to me, and that will inevitably affect her performance in school, which is the last thing I want.  It's still early and we've both been very open about our needs and expectations. I'm not nervous because of who we are, more just of the general situation.

In even more other news, I got a job! Woohoo. I've been without one since early July and last week I finally got a job in the business I never should have left: coffee.  It's perfect for what I'm trying to do now, which is get by, pay my bills, and really throw myself into my music. I start on the 14th. Can't wait to get back on the grind! Haha get it, like coffee grounds/grind. (Sorry). Off to play the guitar now. Ta ta!