Time. Where does it ever go? I never have time to do the things I need or want. But that can't be entirely true, because I don't even work full time every week. Having a puppy has really changed my life priorities, in an immediate sense. For example, sleeping in is no longer a priority. Feeding the dog at 7am is. Not just the puppy either. Life in general is getting in the way of my life. Ha, what a concept. For example, practicing guitar is less of a priority. Working and running my own open mic every week is. Don't get me wrong. I love my puppy and I like my job, but I feel like I'm always letting time and opportunity slip away from me.
As I sit here on the couch in my living room, watching my puppy thrash around chewing what once was my slipper, and typing this blog, I can't help but reflect on my long list of things to do. I absolutely, as soon as possible, need to cash deposit several checks, check on bills that are/will be due soon, edit a video for youtube, write a song for a wedding in september, check on my benefits for work, schedule an appointment with my therapist who I haven't seen in months, clean the house before O.C. gets home from school and finds I've done nothing to help out, email my best friend who is overseas, call other friends who left me messages days ago, and shower before work.
Life can be so daunting sometimes. Lately, I've been having an embarrassment issue. Let me explain. I keep finding myself having to explain where I work and why. I went to college, I did the office job thing for a while and I didn't like it. I felt out of place and awkward. I was unhappy. Now, I work in a coffee shop, making less than I should but I like what I do and the people I work with. I'm happy. Somehow though, i still find myself embarrassed when people ask me what I do. It's not like I'll be doing this forever. It's not like I'm settling. But I see people I know, or even strangers who ask what I do, I find myself explaining why I am there. "Oh, I'm not working anywhere important", or "I'm a musician trying to follow my dreams, that's why I'm here." Maybe both of those things are true, but as long as I know that, why should I care what anyone else thinks? It's annoying. The most annoying part is I'm not really going after my dreams. Not the way I need to be. I'm lazy about it. I don't book myself, I don't promote myself enough. I don't have merchandise. I've been putting off recording a CD for over a year now. I'm just kinda here, in neutral, doing my own thing. That's not how you make it. That's how you work in coffee your whole life and your dreams stay just that.
I don't know, I guess I just need to stop talking and do something. But I don't feel the motivation or the fire in me to go after it. But it's all I've ever wanted to do once I realized I could do it. I need to make a decision. Shit or get off the pot, so to speak. At the vrey least, I need to do my to-do list for today!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
How Do I Still Have Boy Troubles?
I have a little problem. The only reason it's not a big problem is because the subject is leaving for a year in about 2 weeks. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
My issue is this. His name is Alan. He is a 20-something single guy that comes into the coffee shop where I work. He's funny, friendly, and yes, flirty. I'd like to think I'm the first two back, and try to not be the 3rd but fear I might be leading him on. We've hung out a couple of times outside of where I work, but it's been very friendship based, i think. Our dogs have had a play date and we've done lunch once, but O.C. was there too. He doesn't know about my status and I don't know if I feel like telling him. But his texts are getting flirtier and I can just tell it's going no where good. The thing is, he hasn't come right out and said "I like you" so to tell him straight-forward, "I know you like me but I just want to be friends" would not only be presumptuous but incredibly awkward. I don't want to stop talking to him all together, because he's an interesting guy and I really like being his friend. But I feel like it's not fair to him, and O.C. and to me to act like nothing is happening.
He's leaving to go overseas in August. Says he'll be gone for a year. I don't want to give him the impression they'll be someone waiting for him when he gets back. I also don't want O.C. to have to worry about this. I'm not interested in being more than his friend but I don't feel like outing myself, and inevitably O.C. too. I wish there was a quick-fix way to make everything fall into place. My plan for now is to just play it cool and watch what I say around him. It's tough because I'm a pretty outgoing person. But it's better than sending the wrong message and getting a response I can't deal with.
In other news, I've had writer's block for almost a year now. That's a tough place to be when you make promises that involve writing to people who are depending on you. I know I should just write everyday , whether it's quality or not and eventually something will come to me, but it's very stressful to not be good at something you've been pretty damn good at your whole life. Song-writing is what I want to do with my life. It's what I hope to pay the bills with one day. But I can't even seem to do it when it's on my time, and my terms.
I feel like I'm at the time in my life where I need to capitalize on things. On my life. I don't want to work in coffee forever, or go back to an office job where I hate my life for 9 hours of the day. I refuse to settle, but I can't seem to find the motivation and discipline to set myself up for the success I want. It's like I'm waiting for something to just fall out of the sky and jolt me into gear. I know that's not how it works. Is this what a quarter life crisis feels like? I've made excuse my whole life for why I can't, or I didn't or I won't for whatever the issue is at the time. But excuses only prolong the reality that I'm the only one who can take me where I want to go. I know what I need to do, and that's stop stalling. I need to go for it. I need to try. Jack Johnson has this song, "Don't let you dreams, be dreams. All this living's not so hard as it seems." I need to get over it and just do it.
Man, I should write a book! Ha, ok, one dream at a time.
On a more positive note, there's a big concert and fundraiser that I help put together this weekend at my work. I'm one of 6 people performing, although I think I'm going to split my set with my very talented friend who gave up her spot when she thought she couldn't make it. I'm really excited about the people I have met because of the music I do. The community here is pretty cool. There are some creeps, and some a-holes, but for the most part there are some really talented, good-hearted people who want to share all the joys of music. Corny as it may be, I feel like these people have become my second family. They accept me for who I am, encourage me to believe in me because they do, and have shared some really important moments with me. Music has always been my go-to therapy when nothing else is going right. Now I have go-to people to share this with. Most of them will be playing at the benefit this Saturday and it really makes me feel blessed to have them all there. It's not a paying gig, and it's on a Saturday, which is prime paying-gig day and night. That says a lot, because all of these people are talented and hard-working enough to deserve to get paid. All life complaints aside, I'm really happy to be surrounded by such positive people. It makes those ups and downs and life complaints much easier to deal with.
Alright, that's my writing for the day. Time to walk the puppy!
My issue is this. His name is Alan. He is a 20-something single guy that comes into the coffee shop where I work. He's funny, friendly, and yes, flirty. I'd like to think I'm the first two back, and try to not be the 3rd but fear I might be leading him on. We've hung out a couple of times outside of where I work, but it's been very friendship based, i think. Our dogs have had a play date and we've done lunch once, but O.C. was there too. He doesn't know about my status and I don't know if I feel like telling him. But his texts are getting flirtier and I can just tell it's going no where good. The thing is, he hasn't come right out and said "I like you" so to tell him straight-forward, "I know you like me but I just want to be friends" would not only be presumptuous but incredibly awkward. I don't want to stop talking to him all together, because he's an interesting guy and I really like being his friend. But I feel like it's not fair to him, and O.C. and to me to act like nothing is happening.
He's leaving to go overseas in August. Says he'll be gone for a year. I don't want to give him the impression they'll be someone waiting for him when he gets back. I also don't want O.C. to have to worry about this. I'm not interested in being more than his friend but I don't feel like outing myself, and inevitably O.C. too. I wish there was a quick-fix way to make everything fall into place. My plan for now is to just play it cool and watch what I say around him. It's tough because I'm a pretty outgoing person. But it's better than sending the wrong message and getting a response I can't deal with.
In other news, I've had writer's block for almost a year now. That's a tough place to be when you make promises that involve writing to people who are depending on you. I know I should just write everyday , whether it's quality or not and eventually something will come to me, but it's very stressful to not be good at something you've been pretty damn good at your whole life. Song-writing is what I want to do with my life. It's what I hope to pay the bills with one day. But I can't even seem to do it when it's on my time, and my terms.
I feel like I'm at the time in my life where I need to capitalize on things. On my life. I don't want to work in coffee forever, or go back to an office job where I hate my life for 9 hours of the day. I refuse to settle, but I can't seem to find the motivation and discipline to set myself up for the success I want. It's like I'm waiting for something to just fall out of the sky and jolt me into gear. I know that's not how it works. Is this what a quarter life crisis feels like? I've made excuse my whole life for why I can't, or I didn't or I won't for whatever the issue is at the time. But excuses only prolong the reality that I'm the only one who can take me where I want to go. I know what I need to do, and that's stop stalling. I need to go for it. I need to try. Jack Johnson has this song, "Don't let you dreams, be dreams. All this living's not so hard as it seems." I need to get over it and just do it.
Man, I should write a book! Ha, ok, one dream at a time.
On a more positive note, there's a big concert and fundraiser that I help put together this weekend at my work. I'm one of 6 people performing, although I think I'm going to split my set with my very talented friend who gave up her spot when she thought she couldn't make it. I'm really excited about the people I have met because of the music I do. The community here is pretty cool. There are some creeps, and some a-holes, but for the most part there are some really talented, good-hearted people who want to share all the joys of music. Corny as it may be, I feel like these people have become my second family. They accept me for who I am, encourage me to believe in me because they do, and have shared some really important moments with me. Music has always been my go-to therapy when nothing else is going right. Now I have go-to people to share this with. Most of them will be playing at the benefit this Saturday and it really makes me feel blessed to have them all there. It's not a paying gig, and it's on a Saturday, which is prime paying-gig day and night. That says a lot, because all of these people are talented and hard-working enough to deserve to get paid. All life complaints aside, I'm really happy to be surrounded by such positive people. It makes those ups and downs and life complaints much easier to deal with.
Alright, that's my writing for the day. Time to walk the puppy!
Friday, July 1, 2011
We're A Family
So it's been over a month since I posted. I know, I know, I'm a bad blogger. But I have a legit excuse this time. Her name is Sophia. She's cute, but very needy and taking up all of my free time these days. No, I am not cheating on the love of my life. We got a puppy! A yellow lab, from the same breeder that gave me my last lab, Heidi, who died in January. Sophia, while very adorable, is a huge pain in my ass. She eats any and everything her little mouth can reach, including people. She is getting better about potty training, but still I don't trust her. And the worst part of all, she has me up by 7:30 every morning now. If I make it til 8, that's sleeping in. I miss the days of sleeping til noon, only feeding myself and knowing where my shoes are.
Honestly though, I only says these things out of exhaustion and frustration. I do in fact love my little puppy and I'm glad we got her. She is almost 12 weeks old, about 17 lbs and counting and the cutest pup you have ever seen. It gets her out of a lot of trouble, including eating cat poop. Which by the way, is disgusting. We're sitting on the porch right now. She's crewing a piece of mulch and I am finally able to post to you guys (well, more likely girls).
So I went from being trapped at home with my parents, to free and uninhibited with my girlfriend, and now free but fully committed to this puppy in a matter of a month. It's working out well. For once, our opposite schedules are helping out. The most Sophia has had to stay in her crate was like 4 hours. There was an adjustment period for both O.C. and I when we realized we'd be seeing much less of each other. I never realized how needy a puppy was going to be until I had one dependent on me. We can't leave her alone for two seconds, and if I'm at work that mean she can't come inside and visit me. No dogs allowed in coffee shops. We're adapting now. I'm also adapting to having no time to do anything else. Well, more like realizing I'll have to get creative. Like bringing my laptop outside and distracting Sophia with a ball so I can get some work done. It's tough being a parent. And at least mine is cute. Imagine if she were a human. She'd only grow needier and uglier. Haha, just kidding, kids can be cute too. But dogs are always adorable.
Well on that note, I need to go pay some bills and take the pup for a walk. Please enjoy the picture below of the cutest dog ever.
Honestly though, I only says these things out of exhaustion and frustration. I do in fact love my little puppy and I'm glad we got her. She is almost 12 weeks old, about 17 lbs and counting and the cutest pup you have ever seen. It gets her out of a lot of trouble, including eating cat poop. Which by the way, is disgusting. We're sitting on the porch right now. She's crewing a piece of mulch and I am finally able to post to you guys (well, more likely girls).
So I went from being trapped at home with my parents, to free and uninhibited with my girlfriend, and now free but fully committed to this puppy in a matter of a month. It's working out well. For once, our opposite schedules are helping out. The most Sophia has had to stay in her crate was like 4 hours. There was an adjustment period for both O.C. and I when we realized we'd be seeing much less of each other. I never realized how needy a puppy was going to be until I had one dependent on me. We can't leave her alone for two seconds, and if I'm at work that mean she can't come inside and visit me. No dogs allowed in coffee shops. We're adapting now. I'm also adapting to having no time to do anything else. Well, more like realizing I'll have to get creative. Like bringing my laptop outside and distracting Sophia with a ball so I can get some work done. It's tough being a parent. And at least mine is cute. Imagine if she were a human. She'd only grow needier and uglier. Haha, just kidding, kids can be cute too. But dogs are always adorable.
Well on that note, I need to go pay some bills and take the pup for a walk. Please enjoy the picture below of the cutest dog ever.
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