Time. Where does it ever go? I never have time to do the things I need or want. But that can't be entirely true, because I don't even work full time every week. Having a puppy has really changed my life priorities, in an immediate sense. For example, sleeping in is no longer a priority. Feeding the dog at 7am is. Not just the puppy either. Life in general is getting in the way of my life. Ha, what a concept. For example, practicing guitar is less of a priority. Working and running my own open mic every week is. Don't get me wrong. I love my puppy and I like my job, but I feel like I'm always letting time and opportunity slip away from me.
As I sit here on the couch in my living room, watching my puppy thrash around chewing what once was my slipper, and typing this blog, I can't help but reflect on my long list of things to do. I absolutely, as soon as possible, need to cash deposit several checks, check on bills that are/will be due soon, edit a video for youtube, write a song for a wedding in september, check on my benefits for work, schedule an appointment with my therapist who I haven't seen in months, clean the house before O.C. gets home from school and finds I've done nothing to help out, email my best friend who is overseas, call other friends who left me messages days ago, and shower before work.
Life can be so daunting sometimes. Lately, I've been having an embarrassment issue. Let me explain. I keep finding myself having to explain where I work and why. I went to college, I did the office job thing for a while and I didn't like it. I felt out of place and awkward. I was unhappy. Now, I work in a coffee shop, making less than I should but I like what I do and the people I work with. I'm happy. Somehow though, i still find myself embarrassed when people ask me what I do. It's not like I'll be doing this forever. It's not like I'm settling. But I see people I know, or even strangers who ask what I do, I find myself explaining why I am there. "Oh, I'm not working anywhere important", or "I'm a musician trying to follow my dreams, that's why I'm here." Maybe both of those things are true, but as long as I know that, why should I care what anyone else thinks? It's annoying. The most annoying part is I'm not really going after my dreams. Not the way I need to be. I'm lazy about it. I don't book myself, I don't promote myself enough. I don't have merchandise. I've been putting off recording a CD for over a year now. I'm just kinda here, in neutral, doing my own thing. That's not how you make it. That's how you work in coffee your whole life and your dreams stay just that.
I don't know, I guess I just need to stop talking and do something. But I don't feel the motivation or the fire in me to go after it. But it's all I've ever wanted to do once I realized I could do it. I need to make a decision. Shit or get off the pot, so to speak. At the vrey least, I need to do my to-do list for today!
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