I have a little problem. The only reason it's not a big problem is because the subject is leaving for a year in about 2 weeks. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
My issue is this. His name is Alan. He is a 20-something single guy that comes into the coffee shop where I work. He's funny, friendly, and yes, flirty. I'd like to think I'm the first two back, and try to not be the 3rd but fear I might be leading him on. We've hung out a couple of times outside of where I work, but it's been very friendship based, i think. Our dogs have had a play date and we've done lunch once, but O.C. was there too. He doesn't know about my status and I don't know if I feel like telling him. But his texts are getting flirtier and I can just tell it's going no where good. The thing is, he hasn't come right out and said "I like you" so to tell him straight-forward, "I know you like me but I just want to be friends" would not only be presumptuous but incredibly awkward. I don't want to stop talking to him all together, because he's an interesting guy and I really like being his friend. But I feel like it's not fair to him, and O.C. and to me to act like nothing is happening.
He's leaving to go overseas in August. Says he'll be gone for a year. I don't want to give him the impression they'll be someone waiting for him when he gets back. I also don't want O.C. to have to worry about this. I'm not interested in being more than his friend but I don't feel like outing myself, and inevitably O.C. too. I wish there was a quick-fix way to make everything fall into place. My plan for now is to just play it cool and watch what I say around him. It's tough because I'm a pretty outgoing person. But it's better than sending the wrong message and getting a response I can't deal with.
In other news, I've had writer's block for almost a year now. That's a tough place to be when you make promises that involve writing to people who are depending on you. I know I should just write everyday , whether it's quality or not and eventually something will come to me, but it's very stressful to not be good at something you've been pretty damn good at your whole life. Song-writing is what I want to do with my life. It's what I hope to pay the bills with one day. But I can't even seem to do it when it's on my time, and my terms.
I feel like I'm at the time in my life where I need to capitalize on things. On my life. I don't want to work in coffee forever, or go back to an office job where I hate my life for 9 hours of the day. I refuse to settle, but I can't seem to find the motivation and discipline to set myself up for the success I want. It's like I'm waiting for something to just fall out of the sky and jolt me into gear. I know that's not how it works. Is this what a quarter life crisis feels like? I've made excuse my whole life for why I can't, or I didn't or I won't for whatever the issue is at the time. But excuses only prolong the reality that I'm the only one who can take me where I want to go. I know what I need to do, and that's stop stalling. I need to go for it. I need to try. Jack Johnson has this song, "Don't let you dreams, be dreams. All this living's not so hard as it seems." I need to get over it and just do it.
Man, I should write a book! Ha, ok, one dream at a time.
On a more positive note, there's a big concert and fundraiser that I help put together this weekend at my work. I'm one of 6 people performing, although I think I'm going to split my set with my very talented friend who gave up her spot when she thought she couldn't make it. I'm really excited about the people I have met because of the music I do. The community here is pretty cool. There are some creeps, and some a-holes, but for the most part there are some really talented, good-hearted people who want to share all the joys of music. Corny as it may be, I feel like these people have become my second family. They accept me for who I am, encourage me to believe in me because they do, and have shared some really important moments with me. Music has always been my go-to therapy when nothing else is going right. Now I have go-to people to share this with. Most of them will be playing at the benefit this Saturday and it really makes me feel blessed to have them all there. It's not a paying gig, and it's on a Saturday, which is prime paying-gig day and night. That says a lot, because all of these people are talented and hard-working enough to deserve to get paid. All life complaints aside, I'm really happy to be surrounded by such positive people. It makes those ups and downs and life complaints much easier to deal with.
Alright, that's my writing for the day. Time to walk the puppy!
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