I haven't posted in a while. I've thought about it. How I just fell off the face of the blogging earth. But I started to feel like every month I was saying the same thing. Life is good. I need to get motivated. I love my girlfriend.
In fact, all of those things still apply. But I've been feeling in the mood to write lately and i've been feeling pent up with words as well. I started writing a story I've been working on since around 2008. It's a true story about what happened to me from age 15 til 20 with a man I met on the internet. I think I might have mentioned this experience in a post once before. It's not exactly something you shout from the rooftops, although I've never been too shy about telling people my personal stories.
I've been afraid to finish the story. It means having to face everything that happened again. I put myself though such suffering after everything happened. With this man, and again four years later with the police. It was such a mind fuck, to put it frankly. I'm through the worst, I think, but it still messes with me to go back to that mind set and read old journal entries of that struggle. So far my story is 11 pages double spaced on Word. I'm only half way through the story. I'm guessing it will be double that by the time I finish, maybe more. I plan to send it in to Seventeen Magazine for publication, and others too. Hopefully someone will see a need in sharing my story. It's a pretty big problem. Men preying on underaged girls through the internet. Dateline did that ongoing series, "To Catch A Predator" a few years back. They even put out a book, which I highly recommend reading. It's sad, but true. Anyway, I always wanted to do more. The reason I went through with reporting this guy to police is so that I could save other girls from going through what I went through. But I haven't done much since my day is court to ensure he isn't hurting more girls.
Within the last year I found out he lives in the same state as me again, very close to the town where he lived when I met him. That puts him about 45 minutes to an hour away from me at all times. Kind of a chilling thought. And he's become super religious. That really pisses me off. It makes me sick knowing the kind of person he is, and seeing how he presents himself to the rest of the unknowing world. He is the Executive Director of this non-profit that sits outside of abortion clinics and provides ultra-sounds for pregnant women who are thinking of having abortions. He's trying to "save" the unborn by getting girls and women to get in his giant van and watch them while he rubs jelly on their stomachs and tells them how their rape baby is a gift. Awesome.
He's not a good person. He has two children. He already had a daughter when he met me online at 15. Gross. It just makes me sad and scared for the rest of the world.
I've thought about whether I should use a pen name when I finally get my story published. When I was younger I thought absolutely not. Why hide? Isn't that what he wants? For me to hide and never tell this story? I wanted to be on Oprah and I wanted to change the world. As I get older though, I realize that not everyone will see this like I do. Not everyone will see me as a victim, and people will form their own opinions as to what they think happened and whose fault it was. And it really frustrates me to think that when people find out that I have a girlfriend and don't like men that it will be because I was molested as a teenager. I hate that there has to be a reason to be gay. There must be a history of abuse, or something that caused me to not like men anymore. I don't like the assumption aspect of it all. But I guess in the end it really doesn't matter what other people think. I am who I am and I have a story to tell. And no one is going to keep me from telling it.
In fact, all of those things still apply. But I've been feeling in the mood to write lately and i've been feeling pent up with words as well. I started writing a story I've been working on since around 2008. It's a true story about what happened to me from age 15 til 20 with a man I met on the internet. I think I might have mentioned this experience in a post once before. It's not exactly something you shout from the rooftops, although I've never been too shy about telling people my personal stories.
I've been afraid to finish the story. It means having to face everything that happened again. I put myself though such suffering after everything happened. With this man, and again four years later with the police. It was such a mind fuck, to put it frankly. I'm through the worst, I think, but it still messes with me to go back to that mind set and read old journal entries of that struggle. So far my story is 11 pages double spaced on Word. I'm only half way through the story. I'm guessing it will be double that by the time I finish, maybe more. I plan to send it in to Seventeen Magazine for publication, and others too. Hopefully someone will see a need in sharing my story. It's a pretty big problem. Men preying on underaged girls through the internet. Dateline did that ongoing series, "To Catch A Predator" a few years back. They even put out a book, which I highly recommend reading. It's sad, but true. Anyway, I always wanted to do more. The reason I went through with reporting this guy to police is so that I could save other girls from going through what I went through. But I haven't done much since my day is court to ensure he isn't hurting more girls.
Within the last year I found out he lives in the same state as me again, very close to the town where he lived when I met him. That puts him about 45 minutes to an hour away from me at all times. Kind of a chilling thought. And he's become super religious. That really pisses me off. It makes me sick knowing the kind of person he is, and seeing how he presents himself to the rest of the unknowing world. He is the Executive Director of this non-profit that sits outside of abortion clinics and provides ultra-sounds for pregnant women who are thinking of having abortions. He's trying to "save" the unborn by getting girls and women to get in his giant van and watch them while he rubs jelly on their stomachs and tells them how their rape baby is a gift. Awesome.
He's not a good person. He has two children. He already had a daughter when he met me online at 15. Gross. It just makes me sad and scared for the rest of the world.
I've thought about whether I should use a pen name when I finally get my story published. When I was younger I thought absolutely not. Why hide? Isn't that what he wants? For me to hide and never tell this story? I wanted to be on Oprah and I wanted to change the world. As I get older though, I realize that not everyone will see this like I do. Not everyone will see me as a victim, and people will form their own opinions as to what they think happened and whose fault it was. And it really frustrates me to think that when people find out that I have a girlfriend and don't like men that it will be because I was molested as a teenager. I hate that there has to be a reason to be gay. There must be a history of abuse, or something that caused me to not like men anymore. I don't like the assumption aspect of it all. But I guess in the end it really doesn't matter what other people think. I am who I am and I have a story to tell. And no one is going to keep me from telling it.
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