It's been six months exactly since I last posted. I feel compelled to tell a twist of a story that is not my own. I tried to make it my own just over three years ago, and caused myself and other a lot of heartache. It was never about me. It was never supposed to be anyway. When you cross the line from friend to something more with another person who is already in a committed relationship, you become someone else. Not just a lover. Or an adulterer. You became innately selfish. You forget that you are taking what is not yours. It becomes yours in your mind. You play a victim when really you are the one causing the harm.
It has taken me a long time to accept that being the other woman is not a guilt free job. It's not an less my fault that I am helping someone cheat. That being said, these last few weeks I have become painfully aware of the heart ache felt by the woman who has been betrayed. And I feel truly sad for her. Not guilty, although I am. But that is a separate feeling. I feel sad that she gave everything to someone and got broken in return. I realize that not all relationships are meant to be and some people don't belong together. But that doesn't justify and certainly does not minimize the blow.
Natalie left her wife. They are divorced. I don't know the details. I haven't spoken to her in months, and certainly not about her personal life. She lives a very public life on the internet, as does her now ex-wife. I know both of their tumblr pages by heart from the days of my affair. And as time started to pass, I would check it less and less. But every six months or so, I peek in. Curiosity, mostly. Not longing. Not anymore. Not for a very long time. I think a part of me will always care, maybe. Maybe not. But I suspect I will always be curious. John Mayer says in a song, "There's no substitute for time." I love that. It's painfully true, pun intended. But eventually, it's not--painful. It's just a memory of something that made you feel everything; good, bad and ugly. I am feeling something new though. Remorse without anything attached to it. No excuses. No rationalizations. This woman is heart broken.
I'm reading her tumblr page. It's filled with poetry about each day getting worse, a constant flow of tears, coming home to an empty house and knowing it's not going to change. It is raw. It is so real. It's fucking terrible. I thought I was entitled to love Natalie because she wasn't happy at home. And I was mad when she did not abandon her marriage and pick our love over her commitment. I was mad at her. I was so sad that she didn't love me enough. I see now, fully, how inappropriate my presence in that story was. Imagine, just imagine how I would feel years later (if it took me as long to realize then what I am realizing now) if I was responsible for ending their relationship. Imagine. I can't even. How selfish and unfair of me to complain about my feelings when I was disregarding an entire marriage for my own happiness.
I can't undo the past. But I wish there was a way for me to help this woman. There's not. And it's partly selfish of me to want this because I am trying to make better what I contributed to, the ending of a relationship. She does not need to hear from me. I don't even think she understands to what extent my relationship with Natalie was. I just feel for her. My pain three years ago was absolutely real. But it's nothing compared to what she is going through now. I truly hope that Natalie left because she wasn't happy and not because she repeated history. While I feel horrible for Mary Ellen, if Natalie didn't reciprocate her love then leaving is justified and what she needed to do. But if she left because she jumped the gun and let her eyes and heart and hands wander, then I feel doubly sad for her wife. It's not fair to give everything and receive so much less in return.
I realize we all do things we are not proud of and as we get older we learn from our mistakes. Sometimes it takes more chances and many more years than you ever would have thought. Sometimes you never learn. I am thankful that I see the part I played and how detrimental it was to everyone involved. I wish it didn't take three years and another woman's severely broken heart on her sleeve for me to get there. Perspective and time are powerful things.
For the record, Natalie has not contacted me at all since the split. And I haven't made any attempt to contact her. I just don't think there's a point. I truly hope Mary Ellen finds the happiness she deserves. And learns to love and trust again. It's the big heartbreaks that make the love to follow so much sweeter. I would know.
It has taken me a long time to accept that being the other woman is not a guilt free job. It's not an less my fault that I am helping someone cheat. That being said, these last few weeks I have become painfully aware of the heart ache felt by the woman who has been betrayed. And I feel truly sad for her. Not guilty, although I am. But that is a separate feeling. I feel sad that she gave everything to someone and got broken in return. I realize that not all relationships are meant to be and some people don't belong together. But that doesn't justify and certainly does not minimize the blow.
Natalie left her wife. They are divorced. I don't know the details. I haven't spoken to her in months, and certainly not about her personal life. She lives a very public life on the internet, as does her now ex-wife. I know both of their tumblr pages by heart from the days of my affair. And as time started to pass, I would check it less and less. But every six months or so, I peek in. Curiosity, mostly. Not longing. Not anymore. Not for a very long time. I think a part of me will always care, maybe. Maybe not. But I suspect I will always be curious. John Mayer says in a song, "There's no substitute for time." I love that. It's painfully true, pun intended. But eventually, it's not--painful. It's just a memory of something that made you feel everything; good, bad and ugly. I am feeling something new though. Remorse without anything attached to it. No excuses. No rationalizations. This woman is heart broken.
I'm reading her tumblr page. It's filled with poetry about each day getting worse, a constant flow of tears, coming home to an empty house and knowing it's not going to change. It is raw. It is so real. It's fucking terrible. I thought I was entitled to love Natalie because she wasn't happy at home. And I was mad when she did not abandon her marriage and pick our love over her commitment. I was mad at her. I was so sad that she didn't love me enough. I see now, fully, how inappropriate my presence in that story was. Imagine, just imagine how I would feel years later (if it took me as long to realize then what I am realizing now) if I was responsible for ending their relationship. Imagine. I can't even. How selfish and unfair of me to complain about my feelings when I was disregarding an entire marriage for my own happiness.
I can't undo the past. But I wish there was a way for me to help this woman. There's not. And it's partly selfish of me to want this because I am trying to make better what I contributed to, the ending of a relationship. She does not need to hear from me. I don't even think she understands to what extent my relationship with Natalie was. I just feel for her. My pain three years ago was absolutely real. But it's nothing compared to what she is going through now. I truly hope that Natalie left because she wasn't happy and not because she repeated history. While I feel horrible for Mary Ellen, if Natalie didn't reciprocate her love then leaving is justified and what she needed to do. But if she left because she jumped the gun and let her eyes and heart and hands wander, then I feel doubly sad for her wife. It's not fair to give everything and receive so much less in return.
I realize we all do things we are not proud of and as we get older we learn from our mistakes. Sometimes it takes more chances and many more years than you ever would have thought. Sometimes you never learn. I am thankful that I see the part I played and how detrimental it was to everyone involved. I wish it didn't take three years and another woman's severely broken heart on her sleeve for me to get there. Perspective and time are powerful things.
For the record, Natalie has not contacted me at all since the split. And I haven't made any attempt to contact her. I just don't think there's a point. I truly hope Mary Ellen finds the happiness she deserves. And learns to love and trust again. It's the big heartbreaks that make the love to follow so much sweeter. I would know.
No comments:
Post a Comment