It's so funny for me to interact with just about anyone on a daily basis, knowing what I know about myself, and knowing that they don't know. Tonight, I was working an event for my new job and I was talking to this girl that I've worked with before who volunteers for the organization and she was talking about threesomes. And she's like "I've never dated girls, but I've been invited twice now in the last month to have a threesome by guys and I'm just so curious about it. Has that ever happened to you?" And I just laughed and said "yes but that's different than dating girls. Most girls who date girls don't want to have threesomes with men." I was so tempted to let it slip but I held it in I figure there is a place and time for me to be out and proud (with people I trust. It's a process as we know) but if it seems forced, it probably is. So I let the moment pass.
I've been trying to work on my self-control lately. It's hard to say how it's going really. I mean, I'm not dating anymore married chicks. But I haven't met anymore either. I have this incredible habit of doing everything I'm absolutely not supposed to be doing. And the more I know that it's wrong, the more I want to do it. I reach a point in my mind that is basically the point of no return. You could tell me every reason in the world why I shouldn't do it, I would even agree with you. But I'd know in my heart and mind I was going to do it anyways. The temptation and thrill I get from that is truly out of control. But with all this taboo fun comes great repercussions. I don't remembr the last time I did something wrong that didn't back fire in my face. Which is why it's so frustrating to be me, because I never seemed to learn. I mean I do in small strides overtime, but the little devil on my shoulder always seems to be a step ahead.
In other news, I found out today that I am considered "femme" Haha, let me rephrase. I guess I kinda knew that. I'm definitely not butch or soft butch. But I wasn't ever really sure if I fit into a particular catagory. So I was discussing it today and I asked my friend what she thought I was and she said "Psh. Femme, Next question." It made me laugh first of all, but then I made her explain why. Apparently, I speak and act and look very feminine. Now, that might be the most obvious explanation to a question ever, but I guess I've never really thought of myself as very feminine. I mean, I'm most comfortable in jeans, a t-shirt and my Kangaroos (shoes). I hate purses with a passion, I've never had my nails done, I don't wear lots of jewelry and don't care if people buy it for me, my bra and underwear NEVER match, and on top of that, I like to play the more "guy" role with I'm out with someone. I like to open doors and pick up the tab, make the first move- all of that. But she explained that those things just mean I'm comfortable being in a dominant role, but I'm still feminine in my actions. Interesting point, I thought.
I was talking to my other friend the other day about types, and roles that we play. I don't really have a type. I'm attracted to very feminine looking women, as well as more masculine/soft butch/androgynous women. Long hair, short hair, sporty, girlie, casual, fancy, I like em all. So it makes it really hard for me to nail down my "role" in things. Like I said, I like to be the more dominant one, but what if I'm dating a woman who feels that way even stronger than I do? Do I change my presumed role to match the way they feel? Do we compromise and split the responsibility? Is there an expectation out there from women to fill a certain role? I have so much to learn about this lifestyle. I took a big step. I admitted to myself that I want to be a part of it. But it's like, now that I'm here I have no idea what the hell to do. I need to get involved in the community a little more, meet some people, make some friends who can show me the ropes, but I barely know how to do that. Coming out is such a process. Who the hell knew?? Ah well, it's better than dating a man!
Alright I'm done writing this novel for now. Peace!
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