The day he died she texted me inviting me to a concert on Saturday, which kind of surprised me. I knew she had plans to go to this concert because we discussed it on our date last weekend. But I thought she was going with someone else. And with the death of her friend, I assumed she wouldn't go at all. So needless to say, the invite really caught me off guard. She didn't know I knew at that point ( I read it on facebook), so I told her I'd love to go w/ her. It wasn't until the next day after several more FB posts that I texted her saying I was sorry for her loss. She told me how upset she was and how much it hurt. Al day long i kept thinking about her friend, and her, learning about CF and wishing there was something more I could do. I finally decided the best thing I could do besides letting her know I was here for her, and showing her a good time on Saturday was to donate money in her friend's name to the hospital where they took care of him. It wasn't a huge amount, but it was something. Every little bit helps. I guess his death really just made me think about how lucky I am to have my health. I didn't even know him. I'm still getting to know her, but I wanted to do something, so that's what I did.
I wasn't sure if she was going to cancel or not so I just waited for her to text me, and eventually she did. She asked me if I was still game to go to the show and I said yeah, definitely, if she still was. So I picked her up that night at 9, nervous as hell. The thing is, I want to be there for her, but I'm not sure exactly what she needs. Death, and tragedy all together really makes me uncomfortable, which seems like a shitty thing to say. I'm not even the one who lost somebody and I'm complaining cuz I don't know what to say? I might be uncomfortable, but not enough to let it really get in the way. My friends told me not to bring it up unless she wanted to, and other than that just be myself and show her a good night. Because her being there and inviting me means she wants to be around someone who will make her feel better, maybe help her escape her mind for a little while. So I found comfort in that. And once I picked her up, we were fine. I made her laugh, she made me laugh, it was ok. We goofed around and talked for the opening band, but by the main act I could tell she was somewhere else. Probably thinking about him. At one point I saw her wipe a tear away. I felt so bad. I wanted to do something but I didn't know what. I'm not an overly touchy person. In fact, I'm borderline awkward about it and I don't know if she wants to be touched (like a hug or something). So I just gave her her space and stayed quiet.
After the show was over, I asked her if she had a good time and she said yeah but she's really just tired of feeling numb. I didn't know what to say to that either, so I said nothing. We just walked back to the car, and eventually made some silly joke about i don't even know what. I waited until we got in front of her house to give her the card with the check in it. I wrote a little note in the card expressing my condolences and asked her to help the check find its way to the hospital. She was like 'this better not make me cry again!' I said it might. And then she thanked me for going with her and said she'd talk to me after tomorrow (after the funeral).
I figured she'd text me some kind of response to the card. And she did. A long one, explaining why she asked me to go. She was originally supposed to go w/ someone from work, but she had a rough day last week at work after she found out and ended up breaking down in front of her coworkers. She was embarrassed about it, and afraid if she broke down again they'd think she was crazy. So she said I was the first person she talked to after she found out who wasn't a family member or mutual friend because she wanted to ask me to go to the concert with her. That to me is a pretty big deal. She feels comfortable with me, and isn't afraid to show her vulnerable side in front of me? That's what I want. I want her to have someone to go to. She also thanked me for the donation and for taking her mind of things for a little while. So I did my job. I'm glad.
Overall, the night was good. Even in the middle of a truly sad and difficult situation, we managed to make the most of it together. I'm glad she trusts me enough to let me in a little. I hope we keep moving in this direction. I think she's an awesome person, and also a very private person. Not too many people get close to her- by her choice. I don't have any ill-intentions with her. I just want to keep getting to know her and be there for her in any way I can.
But today is about remembering and honoring her friend who died entirely too young. R.I.P.
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