The good feeling

I had a dream about Natalie last night. Her wife was there too actually. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I do remember that i had to play it cool. And also that they both knew who I was. I mean, obviously, Natalie did, but her wife knew that me and Natalie used to have something. But it was very clear in my dream that they were together. Not sure if they were happy or not, but I had to act like I didn't mind working side by side with them and wasn't bothered at all. I say acting because that's how it felt in the dream. I was uncomfortable and sad, but had to fake it. It was awkward. I don't know why I dreamt that. I have seen pictures of them together recently and it doesn't affect me. Not like it used to. I don't feel much of anything anymore.

But part of me does. Part of me wonders anyway, what happened to all the 'love' i used to have for her. What happened to all of the feelings I felt? Did they go away? Were they real to begin with? I don't miss the bullshit. I don't miss sneaking around. I don't miss being a secret, a lie. I don't miss the pain of settling. I don't miss wondering if I'll ever be enough. I don't miss anything about Natalie, except the tiny window of time where we were perfect for each other in this make believe world. I miss the feeling (even if that's all it was) of knowing there was someone out there for me that I could give myself to entirely. And yet, I'm realizing what a contradiction this is as I type it. She wasn't for me. And i should not have given her so much of myself, because she didn't deserve it. It was just a feeling. In a moment of weakness. For both of us.

I hardly think of her anymore, and when I do it's more just a matter of fact, like oh yeah, that happened. Even though things with O.C. aren't taking off super fast (that's a good thing), I am so much happier here than I was with Natalie. It's nerve-wrecking first dating somebody, trying to figure out if you both are on the same page, and if the things you say and do are affecting them as much as the things they say and do affect you. It's scary and exciting and fun. It's how things were meant to be. Not wondering if you'll ever be a priority, if you'll ever be enough.  I don't want her back. Ever. Ever. I don't miss her. I just miss the good feeling.