Coming out for realZ

I think I'm going to tell someone in my family soon. I'm feeling compelled. It will either be my mom or my sister. I can't tell my dad til I'm ready to have him disown me. Which, I guess I've been pretty close to for a while. But still living at home would make that pretty unbearable. When I move out this summer, maybe it will be a different story. I'm just sick of not being able to be myself around people who should love me no matter what.  I guess this will be the true test!

I can just see how it will happen. I'll rehearse it in my mind, plan what I want to say and then get in the moment and just blurt it out. "I like girls!" Ha, that's totally how it's going to go. I laugh a lot when I get nervous or uncomfortable, so basically I'm going to be giggling nervously and then just have the words fall out of my mouth, and the probably start nervous laughing again. I'm smooth like that. I really think my mom at least suspects something. My sister, who is 2 years older than me and my polar opposite, has no idea. I'm actually more nervous to tell her. I don't think she'll know what to do, besides get awkward and never bring it up again, haha. Awesome.

I just started a new job two days ago, but I've known my bosses for over 2 years. I think eventually I'll want to come out to them too. I know some people don't like the fact that being gay is something that has to be told to people, or that some feel obligated to tell others. But I actually want to. I want to be out and be a part of who I am, but not all of who I am. I guess that's the biggest fear I have, aside from  not being accepted. I don't want people to look at me as just the gay girl. I'm so much more. I'm the awkward girl, the inappropriate sexual joke girl, the singer-songwriter, the good friend, sister, daughter, etc. I don't want to hide that it's a part of who I am, but don't want it to be everything I am. Does that make sense?

 The good news is I'm finally accepting it myself so it's easier for me to want to tell people. I used to be so embarrassed and ashamed of my feelings. I did a lot of nervous laughter when i talked about it with even my closest of friends. But now it's less of a joke and more of a reality. I like the ladies, and the ladies like me! :)

Ok time for bed. Hump Day tomorrow, woohoo! Night.