Indifferent

I see her picture and I feel... nothing. I feel nothing. I don't feel sad, or empowered or longing. I feel indifferent towards her. Natalie, that is. I thought I would feel something. I thought it would get hard again, I thought I would miss her. I don't. And seeing her doesn't make it worse. It doesn't affect me at all. She's faking happiness. I know she is. It's what she does. I used to live my life based on how i could make hers better. Silly. It was just silly. But it happened. And I found out I wasn't enough. Well, I thought it was me. I thought I wasn't enough. But she was never right from the start. This was never going to end well. I really, really, really thought it would. When i was in my own little world, I had all the faith in the world. I found a letter i wrote on my computer from Jan. 17 and i'm going to share it with you now. To show how deep in I was:

I miss you so much it hurts me to think about. I thought with time this would get easier. But no matter how distant of a memory I try to make you, you just won’t go away. You will not leave my mind. That’s where you’ve always been. Even before you left, most of our relationship was in my mind. We never really got past the beginning stages of what could have been. I know you didn’t do this on purpose. But this still happened. I feel tight in my chest like I can’t breathe any time I allow myself to think about you. It consumes me. I thought you could make me happy too. You did. Even when you were hurting me by being with her. Your presence, as minimal as it was, made me happy. We could have been something amazing. Truly amazing. We could have been happy together. It’s so hard to think that we were so close, seemingly. This wouldn’t hurt so bad if I didn’t believe so strongly in us. But you are gone. You can’t leave. You can’t get rid of your baggage no matter how badly I want you to. Or you want to yourself.  I’m so torn about whether or not I regret what we had. In one sense, absolutely not. You introduced a feeling to me that I have never known before. You will always be my first love, no matter how unconventional or messed up our relationship was. You will always hold that title. How can I regret my first love? But at the same time, I can’t imagine a worse pain than this, right now, and I don’t see it ending anytime soon. We are perfect for each other. We could be happy. We could have the greatest love together. But we can’t be together, so none of that matters. And all of that makes it hurt ten times worse. I miss you everyday and I think about you all the time. I want to send you these things that I write but I know I can’t. I can’t let you know how I feel because it doesn’t matter. None of this matters anymore. I have to suffer alone. You have to suffer alone. We have to suffer without each other and without anyone else.

I want to talk to you. I want to hear your voice. We could talk about the weather, I just want to be connected to you somehow. I’m on the verge of tears wishing you were with me or near me or talking to me. I want you to hold me like you did before you were gone, Before you knew you were leaving. I want you to hold me because you love me, not because you’re losing me.

I like my last line. Hold me because you love me, not because you're losing me. She was never able to hold me like that. And even if she dropped all her baggage tomorrow, I wouldn't want her to anymore. I just don't feel the same. I don't feel anything. i don't want to see her. Or talk to her. And I don't wish for any other ending. I'm going to find happiness. In some way, shape or form, I know it's out there for me. And it's not her. And it is possible without her. I didn't believe that for a long time. But now I know it's possible.

Love should not be this hard. If it is, it's not real.