Beyond Words

There is a lot to catch up on, but I can't do that right now. I just want to capture this moment, and remember this feeling forever, while I'm still reeling from it.

As we were laying in bed together last night, she told me that she is falling in love with me.

Speechless.

She is falling in love with me.

I have never been here before. It has never felt like this. And it is beyond words.

I've been thinking for a while now that I was falling too, but have been entirely too scared to say anything. Even out loud to myself. But there is no denying  it now. We are too far gone, and his feeling is too real.

We are falling together, and that is beyond words..

Finally syncing up

I had a very vivid dream about Natalie last night. It felt incredibly real. And for once it went the right way.  I had just moved into this new house and somehow I knew it was near where Natalie and her wife would be. So I went out of my way to be in my front yard as they were walking by with their dog. They saw me and came over. I went up to her wife while Natalie was a little farther away with the dog and I apologized to her. It wasn't tense. I wasn't sad inside. I was genuinely apologetic for trying to come between them. She looked longingly back at Natalie and then back at me and said she forgave me because they were happy again. Then Natalie come over to me and her wife went away, and I said "So how are you?" She breathed heavy, looked me in the eyes, and with a look of desperation on her face that let me know she was spiraling out of control and lost-- still. Still unhappy and faking it every day. She said she wasn't happy. She said she missed me and reached for my hand. I pulled away from her when she did that. I told her I had a girlfriend. I didn't have to say anymore. She knew I had moved on and was happy. Her wife came back over, Natalie put the smile back on her face and they walked away with their dog, to their "happy" home where they live a "happy" life because they are so "in love."

I have no idea where their relationship stands in real life. I do know that the last time we had any interaction she wasn't happy. She was putting on her happy face for her wife but inside she was "dying a little more each day." She told me that the way she portrays her life online is just for show. So when I occasionally look on her tumblr page and see all the "happy" pictures and posts, i'm inclined to think it's a lie.

I've said this before, I don't feel sadness or longing for her anymore. I don't miss her. But I have been thinking about her a lot lately, and feeling a little angry. I'm also feeling kind of guilty about it, because O.C. is so great and when I was at my breaking point, she really did save me from myself. Natalie doesn't deserve my thoughts or time. But she's part of them because whether it was right or not, and whether I've moved on or not, it still happened and it still affects me. I don't devote too much time. Mostly I just check in out of curiosity and because of my mild obsessiveness about this sorta thing. I'm glad my subconscious dream world is finally syncing up with my real feelings though. It feels good to be where I'm at and with who I'm with.

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Wow. I was just thinking about how I've fallen off the blog face of the earth. Work has really taken up a lot of my time and energy lately. Which sucks, because it's not where I want to be. But it is what it is.

Minus the stress of work, life is great for me. O.C. is still the best girlfriend ever. She's supportive, insightful, hilarious, smart, motivated... I'll stop. You're probably getting nauseous just reading me talking about it. I know I'm a cheese ball. Her b-day is the day after our two month anniversary, which I will say, I have a pretty good surprise for her on our anniversary. I can't say what it is yet in case she discovers this blog and reads it. Actually, I've offered that to her and she declined saying everyone deserves to keep private what they want. How great is she???

Well before I pass out here, because i will soon, let me make my final comments. My mom and sister are still cool since I came out to them. Work is stressful beyond words. Oh yeah, I ordered a tenor ukulele for under $300 today. Can't wait to try it out. What else? I have two shows this weekend with two very talented young women. And soon I'll be recording this album. I have high hopes for 85% of my life. Ok I'm losin it i gotta go to bed. Night!

Look how freaking cute my girlfriend is!

I've been having some long, looong days at work. Literally and also just stressful ones that feel longer than they actually are. Yesterday, right before i left the office O.C. texted me telling me she was cooking dinner for us tonight and not to argue (Sidebar: the night before, she shared her frozen pizza with me at 9pm cuz i hadn't eaten all day and i argued because she pays for all her own food and is on a budget and i didn't want to take from her but she insisted). So i get to her place around 6:30, and as I walk in, the smell in the air alone made me hungry! I walked into the kitchen and what did i see but the cutest little set up ever. See pictures below.

Appetizer

Main Course

Cutest home made dinner on the patio ever in history

So freaking cute! She made spaghetti, and fresh asparagus, and had 3 diff types of cheeses w/ red grapes, and bread with butter and spreadable garlic, and all topped off with a glass of champagne. Ahh! How did I get so lucky??? I was only there for 30 seconds before I forgot all about my stressful day at work. She makes me smile constantly, treats me so well, cracks me up, gives me affection, confidence, encouragement, and now home cooked meals?? If someone told me 6 months ago I would meet someone who even had two of these qualities, I would have brushed them off in a heartbeat. And now here I am, not settling, not taking what I can get; but getting what I deserve. I am so happy. Thank God for O.C.!

Mama knows...

Welp... now my mom knows too. I can't believe I actually came out to my family. It's still crazy to think about, but also feels very natural. I feel happier, but not all that much different. I guess that means I was really ready for them to know, and I think also ready to accept who I am. That is definitely a good feeling.

I'd like to write more about her reaction and my overall thoughts, but not tonight. I'm beat and have another long day at the office again tomorrow. Stay tuned!