I love my girlfriend. She is kind, patient, and the most level-headed, understanding person I know. This is not an update. It's not new. But she keeps finding new ways to prove it to me. For example...
I have been seriously considering contacting Natalie again. Either by email, or gchat, or even by phone. I still have her number written down somewhere. I came as close as drafting an entire email to her, w/ her email address filled out in the To: window. But instead of hitting send, I hit save to drafts. I wasn't ready. I couldn't decide if I was doing it for selfless or selfish reasons, but I suspected the latter, so I opted out, for now.
I also didn't want to move forward without talking to O.C. first. Just as a courtesy. She has made communication with her so open and so easy, I have absolutely no reason to ever feel like I have to hide anything from her. And I don't want to. I ended up talking to her about it the other night before bed. (We have some of our best talks then). I don't need to tell her this, but I reminder her that my inability to find closure with Natalie has nothing to do with still being in love with her. She already knows that though. She said so herself. I expressed to her how contacting Natalie a few months ago to make my peace with the whole thing didn't bring the closure I was hoping for. I still worry for her, I still care for her, I still want her to be okay and find happiness. I read her some of Natalie's blog posts, and by the end of them, she really started feeling bad for her. Of course, she still sees our "relationship" as a dysfunctional one and thinks Natalie pulled a lot of asshole moves, but she feels sorry for her for being so unhappy. I find that to be pretty amazing. Not only does O.C. understand why I feel the need to contact Natalie, she encourages me to. She says it's important for me to make my peace with this and if Natalie is okay with having me back in her life, even just to have someone to talk to, then she supports it. Everybody needs somebody.
Like I said, I love my girlfriend.
So now that I feel morally okay about contacting Natalie, I have to figure out how and when and what to say. After 6 months of writing nothing in her blog, she posted something a week ago. Basically, she said "she found happiness; different from before but still happy; she's lost a love, and a friend, but she's gained herself back, an a reality check; she sees now what she almost lost and she's clinging to it." Reading this makes me wonder if I should contact her at all. Maybe she means it. Maybe she is happy and me barging in again will only unearth all those feelings she has finally learned to work through, or push down or however she dealt with it. Maybe me trying to help will only hurt things. But then again, it's not like I'm going into this thinking I belong in her life. I merely want to reach out and see how she is, see if i can help and if I can't, make it clear that I will leave her alone.
I'll update you all on my decision as soon as I make one.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
I'm Not Ready
Something happened. It got personal. I know acceptance isn't everyones first instinct when it comes to homosexuality. I know it's still an uphill battle to be treated like everyone else and not frowned upon, judged, stereotyped, overlooked, and hated. I know this. But I always knew it in theory, or through hearsay. I only knew someone who knew someone who felt that wrath. But yesterday it got personal. And I don't like it. Minor as it may seem to some people, it's really upsetting me. I'm not ready to be treated differently, or have the girl I love treated differently solely because we are in a homosexual relationship. It's bullshit, to be honest.
Here's what I know. One of my friend's parents are not accepting at all of the lifestyle. They think homosexuality is wrong. They think it's a sin. And I'm pretty sure they think it's a choice. I haven't really spoken with them at length about it, but i know from conversations with my friend that this is how they feel. I'm pretty close with the family and have been for going on six years. They've helped me through bad times, celebrated with me in good times and in general been awesome to me. They're like my second family.
But yesterday I got a text from this friend, out of no where, that her dad is onto me and O.C. (Her dad met O.C. one time, about a month and a half ago. They spoke for all of 5 minutes. She wasn't dressed all "dykey" and we weren't being affectionate at all. We keep our relationship hidden from them. It was a very general, hi nice to meet you, brief encounter.) That being said, you see why I might be confused by this text. I asked her why she said that and she replied "BECAUSE HE TOLD ME HE THINKS SHE'S A LESBIAN!" This only confused me more. "What? How did he come to that conclusion? How did this even come up? This doesn't make sense." I wanted to say more, but it's hard to put into words what I was feeling, especially in a text. She ended up calling me because she sensed I was getting upset.
"Don't be mad at Dad. He was just being honest." I'm not mad. Not yet. She broke down more specifically what he said. She said he brought it up on his own, mentioning that there was something "odd" about O.C. She asked what he meant by that and he said, "I don't know, I think O.C. is a lesbian. But you said you've hung out with her and she's nice, so maybe I'm wrong." Okay, NOW I'm mad. I didn't realize it was one or the other. Either you're nice and straight, or gay and odd. He doesn't even know her. My friend sensed I was getting angry and got a little defensive for her dad. They are family. I get that. And I know he is a good man. But I think this is fucked up. Why does one label that HE gave HER immediately discredit everything she has to offer. Whether you "agree" with homosexuality or not, whether you think it's a choice or not, this kind of response and immediate judgement is wrong.
I'm not ready to be treated differently by those who are supposed to care about me. And who I care about back. You're damn right I'm upset. And it is a big deal. I wish they both saw why.
Here's what I know. One of my friend's parents are not accepting at all of the lifestyle. They think homosexuality is wrong. They think it's a sin. And I'm pretty sure they think it's a choice. I haven't really spoken with them at length about it, but i know from conversations with my friend that this is how they feel. I'm pretty close with the family and have been for going on six years. They've helped me through bad times, celebrated with me in good times and in general been awesome to me. They're like my second family.
But yesterday I got a text from this friend, out of no where, that her dad is onto me and O.C. (Her dad met O.C. one time, about a month and a half ago. They spoke for all of 5 minutes. She wasn't dressed all "dykey" and we weren't being affectionate at all. We keep our relationship hidden from them. It was a very general, hi nice to meet you, brief encounter.) That being said, you see why I might be confused by this text. I asked her why she said that and she replied "BECAUSE HE TOLD ME HE THINKS SHE'S A LESBIAN!" This only confused me more. "What? How did he come to that conclusion? How did this even come up? This doesn't make sense." I wanted to say more, but it's hard to put into words what I was feeling, especially in a text. She ended up calling me because she sensed I was getting upset.
"Don't be mad at Dad. He was just being honest." I'm not mad. Not yet. She broke down more specifically what he said. She said he brought it up on his own, mentioning that there was something "odd" about O.C. She asked what he meant by that and he said, "I don't know, I think O.C. is a lesbian. But you said you've hung out with her and she's nice, so maybe I'm wrong." Okay, NOW I'm mad. I didn't realize it was one or the other. Either you're nice and straight, or gay and odd. He doesn't even know her. My friend sensed I was getting angry and got a little defensive for her dad. They are family. I get that. And I know he is a good man. But I think this is fucked up. Why does one label that HE gave HER immediately discredit everything she has to offer. Whether you "agree" with homosexuality or not, whether you think it's a choice or not, this kind of response and immediate judgement is wrong.
I'm not ready to be treated differently by those who are supposed to care about me. And who I care about back. You're damn right I'm upset. And it is a big deal. I wish they both saw why.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Lately
I keep fighting the urge to contact Natalie again. Mostly because I know that I can't actually help her. But now that I'm no longer being hurt by her, I want to help her. I'd like to be there for her. I know, I know, how messed up is that? I thought about emailing her. I thought about leaving a comment on her blog that she hasn't updated in 5 months. I thought about talking to her on gchat. I've thought about a lot of things. But I can't bring myself to go through with any of them. I know that wouldn't be for the best. Just in the way that I wanted her to be the bigger person and walk away from me because she knew she couldn't be there for me, I need to do the same and let her be. But still, the feeling is there.
In other news, O.C. started grad school last week. For the next 28 months, her life will not be her own. And therefore, her time will not be our time. We'll steal moments and a weekend her and there, but for the most part, school will be her main focus 24/7. I feel confident that I will be able to adjust from seeing her everyday to seeing her much less, and having less time to do the things we like to do together, even if that just means falling asleep together or eating frozen pizza in her apartment for dinner. She needs to focus. She needs to do well. She will do well. Her future and plans for it existed long before I was in her life, so I have to be sure I don't negatively impact the course of this process. Two close friends of mine have been in this situation for over 2 years now. They began their relationship right before the one entered into grad school, and now 2+ years into it, it's really putting a strain on the relationship. I'm confident that me and O.C.'s relationship can withstand the stress school will put on it, but I worry sometimes that I will let it get to me, and that will inevitably affect her performance in school, which is the last thing I want. It's still early and we've both been very open about our needs and expectations. I'm not nervous because of who we are, more just of the general situation.
In even more other news, I got a job! Woohoo. I've been without one since early July and last week I finally got a job in the business I never should have left: coffee. It's perfect for what I'm trying to do now, which is get by, pay my bills, and really throw myself into my music. I start on the 14th. Can't wait to get back on the grind! Haha get it, like coffee grounds/grind. (Sorry). Off to play the guitar now. Ta ta!
In other news, O.C. started grad school last week. For the next 28 months, her life will not be her own. And therefore, her time will not be our time. We'll steal moments and a weekend her and there, but for the most part, school will be her main focus 24/7. I feel confident that I will be able to adjust from seeing her everyday to seeing her much less, and having less time to do the things we like to do together, even if that just means falling asleep together or eating frozen pizza in her apartment for dinner. She needs to focus. She needs to do well. She will do well. Her future and plans for it existed long before I was in her life, so I have to be sure I don't negatively impact the course of this process. Two close friends of mine have been in this situation for over 2 years now. They began their relationship right before the one entered into grad school, and now 2+ years into it, it's really putting a strain on the relationship. I'm confident that me and O.C.'s relationship can withstand the stress school will put on it, but I worry sometimes that I will let it get to me, and that will inevitably affect her performance in school, which is the last thing I want. It's still early and we've both been very open about our needs and expectations. I'm not nervous because of who we are, more just of the general situation.
In even more other news, I got a job! Woohoo. I've been without one since early July and last week I finally got a job in the business I never should have left: coffee. It's perfect for what I'm trying to do now, which is get by, pay my bills, and really throw myself into my music. I start on the 14th. Can't wait to get back on the grind! Haha get it, like coffee grounds/grind. (Sorry). Off to play the guitar now. Ta ta!
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