Updates

I love my girlfriend. She is kind, patient, and the most level-headed, understanding person I know. This is  not an update. It's not new. But she keeps finding new ways to prove it to me. For example...

I have been seriously considering contacting Natalie again. Either by email, or gchat, or even by phone. I still have her number written down somewhere. I came as close as drafting an entire email to her, w/ her email address filled out in the To: window. But instead of hitting send, I hit save to drafts. I wasn't ready. I couldn't decide if I was doing it for selfless or selfish reasons, but I suspected the latter, so I opted out, for now.

I also didn't want to move forward without talking to O.C. first. Just as a courtesy. She has made communication with her so open and so easy, I have absolutely no reason to ever feel like I have to hide anything from her. And I don't want to. I ended up talking to her about it the other night before bed. (We have some of our best talks then). I don't need to tell her this, but I reminder her that my inability to find closure with Natalie has nothing to do with still being in love with her. She already knows that though. She said so herself. I expressed to her how contacting Natalie a few months ago to make my peace with the whole thing didn't bring the closure I was hoping for. I still worry for her, I still care for her, I still want her to be okay and find happiness. I read her some of Natalie's blog posts, and by the end of them, she really started feeling bad for her. Of course, she still sees our "relationship" as a dysfunctional one and thinks Natalie pulled a lot of asshole moves, but she feels sorry for her for being so unhappy. I find that to be pretty amazing. Not only does O.C. understand why I feel the need to contact Natalie, she encourages me to. She says it's important for me to make my peace with this and if Natalie is okay with having me back in her life, even just to have someone to talk to, then she supports it. Everybody needs somebody.

Like I said, I love my girlfriend.

So now that I feel morally okay about contacting Natalie, I have to figure out how and when and what to say. After 6 months of writing nothing in her blog, she posted something a week ago. Basically, she said "she found happiness; different from before but still happy; she's lost a love, and a friend, but she's gained herself back, an a reality check; she sees now what she almost lost and she's clinging to it." Reading this makes me wonder if I should contact her at all. Maybe she means it. Maybe she is happy and me barging in again will only unearth all those feelings she has finally learned to work through, or push down or however she dealt with it. Maybe me trying to help will only hurt things. But then again, it's not like I'm going into this thinking I belong in her life. I merely want to reach out and see how she is, see if i can help and if I can't, make it clear that I will leave her alone.

I'll update you all on my decision as soon as I make one.