Losing It

I’ve been super stressed out lately and losing my patience very easily. It’s especially frustrating because I have prided myself on being “the most patient person I know” for years. I find myself snapping at people I care about that are only trying to help, losing my cool in stressful situations at work and generally just feeling flustered and annoyed. I don’t know what’s happening to me but I know I don’t like it. It’s not like I’m a smoker who’s craving a cigarette or something. And I’m not pms-ing. I feel like I need to have some sort of release.  Like taking a baseball bat to something breakable or having a really good cry. I have felt like there’s another good cry left in me my over my puppy, Heidi, who died in front of me back in January. It was as dramatic as it sounds. In fact, just thinking about it makes me choked up. 

I’m also pretty stressed out by my dad. I’m moving in with O.C. at the end of the month and I feel like even though I’m doing it to get away from his need to control everything, actually cutting that cord is proving to be harder than I thought. Then there’s the whole money issue and never having enough of it. I wish my 21yr old self could have seen the importance of saving then so my 25yr old self had a better savings account. Which brings me to my job and where I am compared to where I want to be. Don’t get me wrong, I like my job but it’s tough to pay all the bills I have and will be having soon on the hourly wage I’m making. But I don’t want to be trapped in another office job I hate. That proved to be detrimental to my spirit and mental health. I need to do something I can be good at and find happiness in. Forever, that answer has been music but I’m still holding myself back. Fear of failure is actually making me fail by never trying. What a concept. 

All these things are floating around in my head and I don't know how to get a grip on them. Why didn’t anyone warn me that growing up was going to be so hard? I don’t know what is going on but I know I need to figure it out soon before everything spins completely out of control. 

Although, I will say this. The one thing that isn't falling apart or in complete disarray in my mind is my relationship. For once, that is the most sound and healthy thing in my life. Thank God for O.C. And for good friends who help keep me in check and positive when I feel like I'm losing it. I just gotta push through this rough patch.