Guess what!

I know, I know. It's been a while. I won't even apologize. That's old by now. I decided it's probably good to do an update when something major has happened. So, I am still with O.C. and we are still happy. Boring, right? Actually, for me it's not boring, it's fantastic. But it's nothing new, which I guess is boring, technically. Anyway, I'm rambling. So here are the updates:

O.C. and I are engaged!

It deserves its own line. I had a pretty sweet plan so if she said no it would've been a huge buzz-kill, although I was pretty confident. So as you know blog, I met O.C. on a blind date at a trendy restaurant in a city close to us (it's so weird talking in code since I've been out for the most part the last couple years). And every year on the anniversary of the day we met and had an amazing first date, we go back and sit in the same two seats at the bar to celebrate. It seemed obvious then that I would propose at this place on this day. I contacted the owner, told him my plan and he was totally on board to make whatever accommodations I needed. By the end of it all, he reserved the seats for us, created her her own sandwich for that night based on her favorite foods and then had their own local artist (who does all the menus and other artwork) create a poster drawing of O.C. and I sitting at the bar with said sandwich smiling and at the top it said "Let's keep this honeymoon going. Will you marry me? Feb. 27, 2014". It was AMAZING!! And it got me a "yes" so I am happy. 

The next day we drove down to visit one of my very best friends for the weekend to celebrate my birthday and our new engagement only to find out she planned a surprise engagement/birthday party for me/us! It was super cute. It was a really fun weekend and it made me so thankful to be surrounded by such great people. I have always been very lucky in that respect. Sadly, however, the day we got back from our mini vaca, O.C. was unloading my guitar from the back of the car and she slipped on the snowy curb and broke her ankle. She just went back to work after 2 months of being out!! And she still might need surgery. I like to joke it's a good thing she said yes, otherwise she'd have been screwed and helpless without me. Even if she broke my heart I'd probably still help her until she was better. Because I like the pain, historically speaking.

Speaking historically of people who brought me pain, I haven't contacted Natalie in over a year. I barely check in on her anymore. Curiosity will always be there. Plus the fact that I know she puts her entire life online draws in my curiosity even more sometimes. She moved to New York City. Brooklyn to be specific. From Portland, OR. She went from the biggest hipster city in the country to the 2nd biggest hipster city. And she is a giant hipster. She wasn't when I knew her, but I guess I could have seen it coming. She left her wife. Did I ever mention that? It's been over a year I think. It's hard to say since I don't stalk her regularly. I have an aunt who lives in Brooklyn, and I'm going to be visiting her for 2 days in the last week of May. O.C. will not be going. I'll be with my sister though. Part of me is super tempted to show up at the hipster coffee shop where she works and see if she's there. I know this makes O.C. uncomfortable, but the last time I saw Natalie, it was so tragic and pathetic. And I don't feel that way about her at all anymore. I guess it's mostly just curiosity again and I would love to see her face when I walk in. It would most likely be incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. But when else would I see her? Maybe that's the point though. Why do I need to see her again? I don't like things being unfinished or unresolved. But I don't know if this is unresolved. It'll be 5 years in September that I met her, and 3 months after that that I saw her for the last time. I dunno. I won't do it if O.C. doesn't want me to. Maybe I'll email her. No, that seems like a dumb idea even as I type it. Maybe I'll just leave it alone all together. That approach has given the best results for me. 

Okay well those are the updates. See ya in a year, haha!

Lucky Me

I can't believe I started this blog over three years ago. I feel so lucky. There are relationships falling apart around me everyday. People I care about who I thought would last. Others who I don't know very well. Ending. Just like that. O.C. says it makes her nervous. But not me. It makes me so thankful for the security and stability I have in my own relationship. If I can say anything about the secret to a strong and healthy relationship it is COMMUNICATION. Not just romantic ones, but in this case yes, specifically romantic ones. Be honest and open. If you are afraid to be open and honest with the person you are with, then maybe they are not the partner for you. That's my best advice. Now go forth and find love!!

3 YEARS!

Tomorrow is my 3-year anniversary with O.C. Can you believe it? It's crazy fantastic and better than I ever could have imagined love to be. She is the same amazing person I fell in love with three years ago with only positive changes. Seriously. I wouldn't be able to keep up a lie like this for so long. She's actually that amazing.

I'm finally writing her a song about how we met and fell in love. Almost as unbelievable as being so lucky to have her in my life is that I haven't done this yet. I have so many songs about Natalie (who btw was a complete dick to me in my dream last night and I woke up completely turned off by all things her this morning haha. I'm so over that!) and yet none to document the best thing to ever happen to me. I have a gig tomorrow on our actual anniversary, which I know she was a little bummed about. What she doesn't know is that I'm going to perform (as long as I finish it) my song for her on stage. It's kind of a huge deal but it's been a long time coming. I'm literally writing it right now. Well, literally, I'm writing my blog but after this short break it's back to the creative writing board. She tells me she doesn't need a song but that's just her being super supportive and selfless. The girl needs a song! And hopefully tomorrow, in front of lots of people (talk about progress) she will get one. Maybe I'll post it on here when it's done.

3 Years Late

It's been six months exactly since I last posted. I feel compelled to tell a twist of a story that is not my own. I tried to make it my own just over three years ago, and caused myself and other a lot of heartache. It was never about me. It was never supposed to be anyway. When you cross the line from friend to something more with another person who is already in a committed relationship, you become someone else. Not just a lover. Or an adulterer. You became innately selfish. You forget that you are taking what is not yours. It becomes yours in your mind. You play a victim when really you are the one causing the harm.

It has taken me a long time to accept that being the other woman is not a guilt free job. It's not an less my fault that I am helping someone cheat. That being said, these last few weeks I have become painfully aware of the heart ache felt by the woman who has been betrayed. And I feel truly sad for her. Not guilty, although I am. But that is a separate feeling. I feel sad that she gave everything to someone and got broken in return. I realize that not all relationships are meant to be and some people don't belong together. But that doesn't justify and certainly does not minimize the blow.

Natalie left her wife. They are divorced. I don't know the details. I haven't spoken to her in months, and certainly not about her personal life. She lives a very public life on the internet, as does her now ex-wife. I know both of their tumblr pages by heart from the days of my affair. And as time started to pass, I would check it less and less. But every six months or so, I peek in. Curiosity, mostly. Not longing. Not anymore. Not for a very long time. I think a part of me will always care, maybe. Maybe not. But I suspect I will always be curious. John Mayer says in a song, "There's no substitute for time." I love that. It's painfully true, pun intended. But eventually, it's not--painful. It's just a memory of something that made you feel everything; good, bad and ugly. I am feeling something new though. Remorse without anything attached to it. No excuses. No rationalizations. This woman is heart broken.

I'm reading her tumblr page. It's filled with poetry about each day getting worse, a constant flow of tears, coming home to an empty house and knowing it's not going to change. It is raw. It is so real. It's fucking terrible. I thought I was entitled to love Natalie because she wasn't happy at home. And I was mad when she did not abandon her marriage and pick our love over her commitment. I was mad at her. I was so sad that she didn't love me enough. I see now, fully, how inappropriate my presence in that story was. Imagine, just imagine how I would feel years later (if it took me as long to realize then what I am realizing now) if I was responsible for ending their relationship. Imagine. I can't even. How selfish and unfair of me to complain about my feelings when I was disregarding an entire marriage for my own happiness.

I can't undo the past. But I wish there was a way for me to help this woman. There's not. And it's partly selfish of me to want this because I am trying to make better what I contributed to, the ending of a relationship. She does not need to hear from me. I don't even think she understands to what extent my relationship with Natalie was. I just feel for her. My pain three years ago was absolutely real. But it's nothing compared to what she is going through now. I truly hope that Natalie left because she wasn't happy and not because she repeated history. While I feel horrible for Mary Ellen, if Natalie didn't reciprocate her love then leaving is justified and what she needed to do. But if she left because she jumped the gun and let her eyes and heart and hands wander, then I feel doubly sad for her wife. It's not fair to give everything and receive so much less in return.

I realize we all do things we are not proud of and as we get older we learn from our mistakes. Sometimes it takes more chances and many more years than you ever would have thought. Sometimes you never learn. I am thankful that I see the part I played and how detrimental it was to everyone involved. I wish it didn't take three years and another woman's severely broken heart on her sleeve for me to get there. Perspective and time are powerful things.

For the record, Natalie has not contacted me at all since the split. And I haven't made any attempt to contact her. I just don't think there's a point. I truly hope Mary Ellen finds the happiness she deserves. And learns to love and trust again. It's the big heartbreaks that make the love to follow so much sweeter. I would know. 

Coming out...of hiding

I haven't posted in a while. I've thought about it. How I just fell off the face of the blogging earth. But I started to feel like every month I was saying the same thing. Life is good. I need to get motivated. I love my girlfriend.

In fact, all of those things still apply. But I've been feeling in the mood to write lately and i've been feeling pent up with words as well. I started writing a story I've been working on since around 2008. It's a true story about what happened to me from age 15 til 20 with a man I met on the internet. I think I might have mentioned this experience in a post once before. It's not exactly something you shout from the rooftops, although I've never been too shy about telling people my personal stories.

I've been afraid to finish the story. It means having to face everything that happened again. I put myself though such suffering after everything happened. With this man, and again four years later with the police. It was such a mind fuck, to put it frankly. I'm through the worst, I think, but it still messes with me to go back to that mind set and read old journal entries of that struggle. So far my story is 11 pages double spaced on Word. I'm only half way through the story. I'm guessing it will be double that by the time I finish, maybe more. I plan to send it in to Seventeen Magazine for publication, and others too. Hopefully someone will see a need in sharing my story. It's a pretty big problem. Men preying on underaged girls through the internet. Dateline did that ongoing series, "To Catch A Predator" a few years back. They even put out a book, which I highly recommend reading. It's sad, but true. Anyway, I always wanted to do more. The reason I went through with reporting this guy to police is so that I could save other girls from going through what I went through. But I haven't done much since my day is court to ensure he isn't hurting more girls.

Within the last year I found out he lives in the same state as me again, very close to the town where he lived when I met him. That puts him about 45 minutes to an hour away from me at all times. Kind of a chilling thought. And he's become super religious. That really pisses me off. It makes me sick knowing the kind of person he is, and seeing how he presents himself to the rest of the unknowing world. He is the Executive Director of this non-profit that sits outside of abortion clinics and provides ultra-sounds for pregnant women who are thinking of having abortions. He's trying to "save" the unborn by getting girls and women to get in his giant van and watch them while he rubs jelly on their stomachs and tells them how their rape baby is a gift. Awesome.

He's not a good person. He has two children. He already had a daughter when he met me online at 15. Gross. It just makes me sad and scared for the rest of the world.

I've thought about whether I should use a pen name when I finally get my story published. When I was younger I thought absolutely not. Why hide? Isn't that what he wants? For me to hide and never tell this story? I wanted to be on Oprah and I wanted to change the world. As I get older though, I realize that not everyone will see this like I do. Not everyone will see me as a victim, and people will form their own opinions as to what they think happened and whose fault it was. And it really frustrates me to think that when people find out that I have a girlfriend and don't like men that it will be because I was molested as a teenager. I hate that there has to be a reason to be gay. There must be a history of abuse, or something that caused me to not like men anymore. I don't like the assumption aspect of it all. But I guess in the end it really doesn't matter what other people think. I am who I am and I have a story to tell. And no one is going to keep me from telling it.

Grrr

So I have this really annoying thing called writer's block. It's amazing I can even write a blog entry. I sat in my room yesterday for 3 hours trying to write even one verse to a song. Instead, I wrote nothing but scribbles on a page and left the room pissed off. I have about 10 different ideas for songs, but can't seem to get any of them out. I don't know exactly what's causing it, but I have my suspicions that Natalie is behind it. Half of my ideas for songs are about her. Don't take that the wrong way though. It's not a result of needing or missing her. I just wasn't done telling her off. And I felt like it was unfair to O.C. for me to keep writing about Natalie when I was clearly over her and in a happy relationship. I haven't been able to write a song about how in love with her I am either. She says she doesn't mind and doesn't need a song, but that's her just being supportive and cute. If your girlfriend wrote songs for a living, you'd want at least one about your love wouldn't you?

So I tried going through old blogs that Natalie and I wrote back and forth to each other. They were depressing and a bit pathetic. I was really in deep. So far that i couldn't see how desperate I was. That's not love. I was chasing her, knowing full well that she wasn't available. She knew it and let me. I knew it and let myself. It was a lose-lose from the start. It's a shame really that I have to keep talking about this, too. You're probably all reading this thinking 'get over it!' I feel that way a lot too. I feel like emotionally I am over her though, just not creatively. And it's sad to say, but angry and sad songs are much easier to write than happy ones. If I can just get one last song about her out, I think I could be done with it for good and move onto more experiences. It's very frustrating not being able to do the thing you feel like you were put on this earth to do. I have to write a personalized song for a wedding that I am in on Sept. 3 so I better get over this soon and on that one stat! I know that writer's block is just a state of mind and I have to push through. But it's been going on for nearly a year now, so breaking the habit of assuming my craft is broken is harder than you might think.

I'll keep you posted on my progress.

Time is of the Essence

Time. Where does it ever go? I never have time to do the things I need or want. But that can't be entirely true, because I don't even work full time every week. Having a puppy has really changed my life priorities, in an immediate sense. For example, sleeping in is no longer a priority. Feeding the dog at 7am is. Not just the puppy either. Life in general is getting in the way of my life. Ha, what a concept. For example, practicing guitar is less of a priority. Working and running my own open mic every week is. Don't get me wrong. I love my puppy and I like my job, but I feel like I'm always letting time and opportunity slip away from me.

As I sit here on the couch in my living room, watching my puppy thrash around chewing what once was my slipper, and typing this blog, I can't help but reflect on my long list of things to do. I absolutely, as soon as possible, need to cash deposit several checks, check on bills that are/will be due soon, edit a video for youtube, write a song for a wedding in september, check on my benefits for work, schedule an appointment with my therapist who I haven't seen in months, clean the house before O.C. gets home from school and finds I've done nothing to help out, email my best friend who is overseas, call other friends who left me messages days ago, and shower before work.

Life can be so daunting sometimes. Lately, I've been having an embarrassment issue. Let me explain. I keep finding myself having to explain where I work and why. I went to college, I did the office job thing for a while and I didn't like it. I felt out of place and awkward. I was unhappy. Now, I work in a coffee shop, making less than I should but I like what I do and the people I work with. I'm happy. Somehow though, i still find myself embarrassed when people ask me what I do. It's not like I'll be doing this forever. It's not like I'm settling. But I see people I know, or even strangers who ask what I do, I find myself explaining why I am there. "Oh, I'm not working anywhere important", or "I'm a musician trying to follow my dreams, that's why I'm here." Maybe both of those things are true, but as long as I know that, why should I care what anyone else thinks? It's annoying. The most annoying part is I'm not really going after my dreams. Not the way I need to be. I'm lazy about it. I don't book myself, I don't promote myself enough. I don't have merchandise. I've been putting off recording a CD for over a year now. I'm just kinda here, in neutral, doing my own thing. That's not how you make it. That's how you work in coffee your whole life and your dreams stay just that.

I don't know, I guess I just need to stop talking and do something. But I don't feel the motivation or the fire in me to go after it. But it's all I've ever wanted to do once I realized I could do it. I need to make a decision. Shit or get off the pot, so to speak. At the vrey least, I need to do my to-do list for today!