An end in sight

I wrote Natalie an email a few days ago. I told O.C. I was thinking about doing it, and she encouraged me to, which by the way, there aren't enough ways for me to express how amazing she is for that. But I wasn't sure if it was appropriate or if it really would do any good. I eventually decided it was a necessary step in really detaching myself from the situation. I'm almost over her. I'm almost able to say that I don't think about her and wonder what she's doing. But I'll be honest, sometimes I still do. Not in the way that I used to. It's not a longing, or even a curiosity. I think it's more a habit really, one that has been slow to break. But I'm close to the end.

In my email, I wanted to get across two things. One, that I was sorry for not taking my part of the blame for the situation. When we were in the middle of everything, I was so focused on her not hurting me, and her doing me wrong, that I failed to acknowledge my wrong-doing as well. And that's not fair. We both made poor decisions. It's not like I didn't know I was getting involved with a married woman and shocked when it didn't work out. I knew I was taking a risk and I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. So I wanted to take my part of the blame. I also wanted her to know that I moved on and no longer had animosity towards her. Now, the thing about that is I'm not sure if I'm 100% over that part of it. I think part of me is still angry at her, but the quickest way to accept that and move on I think is to say it out loud. Not quite 'fake it til you make it' but more, 'see it to believe it.' Me telling her I'm not upset anymore and letting that part of my life go is very freeing. Holding it in and wishing things were different was so detrimental to my health and well-being. I want her to be okay but I want me to be okay too. So I made those two points very clear, and told her I hope she finds or has already found happiness, because even assholes, liars and cheats deserve a second chance.

I wasn't sure if she would respond. Nor was I sure if I wanted her to or not. I had mixed feelings about it either way. I think my curiosity really wanted to her respond, and the rest of me just wanted it to kind of fade away. I said what I needed to say and that's all that matters. I wasn't writing this to get a response, I was writing it to get closure. Well, after a few days went by, I checked my email and there was a response from Natalie in my inbox. My eyes jumped immediately to it and I opened it. Old habits die hard. She was brief. I could tell she probably went back and forth for a while on what to say and eventually settled on something detached and more than anything, kind of empty. She told me she had been drafting lettings to me for months now, "writing and deleting, writing and deleting" and now that she an opportunity to speak, she was at a loss for what to say.  She ended up saying thank you and 'I hope sending this helped you.' That line tells me so much more than I wanted to know. She's still miserable and trapped. She took the high road for once and let me have my peace.  She hopes this helped me, because it surely didn't help her. That's how I read it. She also apologized for ruining the possibility for a really amazing friendship with her selfishness and stupidity. I regret that too. Due to my own selfishness and stupidity.

Natalie and I had good chemistry. Not just in a romantic kind of way. Our personalities meshed very well. We got along, made either laugh, liked similar music. All of the things you look for in friendship. But we both took it too far because we were searching for something, for our own selfish reasons. We did miss out on a really cool friendship and I'm sad for that. But this is where it ends. This is where it has to end. I'm glad I got to say my piece, and get my closure. I think I'll always wonder about her, and hope she found a way to be happy. But always from a distance. And those thoughts will be fewer and farther between as time goes on.

I sent O.C. what I sent to Natalie and then I told her today that she responded. We had a really good talk about it. It's so nice and refreshing and a huge weight off my shoulders to be able to talk to her so openly about my past. Just one more reason I feel so lucky to have her in my life. I really do love her.

Moving Forward!

I am overwhelmed in the best way. I'm happy. That's been almost as difficult to say as it was for me to come out. To say I'm happy and truly mean it has been a long time coming.

I lost my job about 3 weeks ago. It's for the best. I was becoming someone else, someone I didn't like. It's very trying and stressful to go into a job everyday that you don't like. I did it for four months and that was more than enough. I was angry and bitter. I would get short with people who had nothing to do with my unhappiness. I was losing my patience, which let me tell you, is quite a feat.  I've been through a lot of crap in my life and should be a lot more cynical and impatient than I am. But it was only a job. And now it's gone. Out of my life. I am free from the burden it was putting on me. And it feels great. I feel great. This loss has absolutely been my gain and is part of the reason I can say I am truly happy.

With my newfound unemployment, and my future staring me in the face, it is time for me to make a decision. And I have decided to follow my dreams. I'm going to pursue my music and see where it takes me. I'd be a fool to think that what my future holds for me is anything but unpredictable. If I've learned anything in my 24 yrs of life and many mistakes it's that most things are rarely what they seem. There are exceptions to that rule of course, but to think that I won't have struggles along the way would be silly. But if I don't go for it now, I'll wonder my whole life what could have been. So I'm doing it. I'm going to record my CD this summer. I'm going to make promoting myself, booking myself, and spreading my music a priority. Right up there with family, friends and love.

I heard 24 was supposed to be a great year. It's definitely been life changing and inspiring; filled w/ love, excitement and we can't forget heartache. This is the best combination a songwriter could ask for. Now let's go get me that Grammy!

Hot dogs and the 'L' word

Two things that seem very unrelated? But they are related I promise. Here's how:

First, hot dogs. O.C. is a vegetarian. She'll eat fish and occasionally some chicken, but for the most part, not a meat eater. At the top of her list of foods that gross her out is hot dogs. I am a meat eater. My favorite food is steak cooked medium rare. Still, somehow, we manage to make it work. I also love, as in crave from time to time, hot dogs. I know it's gross, cuz of what hot dogs are made of (all the left over shit from the animal) but had no one ever told me that, I would never have known the difference! Why am I telling you all of this about hot dogs? Because my girlfriend, who does not eat meat, who the last time she ate a hot dog threw up immediately afterwards, my amazing girlfriend made me hot dogs for dinner. Why? Because she knows how much I like them. She went to the store, bought hot dogs, hot dog buns, ketchup and mustard. Now, I don't know about any of you, but I think that is the cutest freaking gesture in the entire world and speaks volumes about her character and the type of person she is. The day my girlfriend made me hot dogs, I knew I was falling in love.

Speaking of falling in love, let's talk about the L word. No, not the show, the actual word. Love. She told me she was falling in love with me about two weeks ago. I kinda said it back. But mostly I didn't. It's not that I didn't feel it, I was just afraid to say it. But i decided it was important for her to know how I feel. If she was brave enough to put her feelings out there, then I should be too. So I did. And it was just as scary as I thought it would be. But incredibly rewarding immediately after.  One of the coolest things was that we were discussing us exchanging I love you's and I told her I was afraid to say it and she, all on her own, brought up exactly what I was thinking as far as it being tainted because I used it once before with Natalie. She said it means just as much and not to worry. I couldn't believe. This girl just leaves me speechless time and time again.

So I am in love with my girlfriend. It is such a drastic difference from what i thought I had with Natalie. It's like comparing chopped liver to filet mignon. (haha sorry I couldn't help but make another meat reference). It frustrates me that I put so much into something so superficial. But now I have the real thing and it is something I will never take for granted. Next week will be 3 months for us. I can't wait for it to be 3 years. Is that weird to say? I just mean I can't wait to be with her and learn as much as I can about her and experience so many things together and just have that security and comfort from a really sound relationship. I'm not even worried about jinxing it. This isn't something that can be broken easily. We are too legit to quit. :)

Three little words

I'm feeling grossly emotional right now. I don't know what my deal is. I'm not even PMSing. Natalie has been on my mind a lot lately. I still check her blog weekly. Just to see how she is doing. I just went back into my email and read our last convo ever. It's making my teary. I'm still pretty upset with her I think, and at the situation in general.

What I've really been thinking about a lot lately is telling O.C. I love her too... which I haven't yet. I think about it all day long when we're apart, and when we're finally together, I can't muster up the courage to say it. I feel it, why can't I say it?

My theory is two fold. And both involve Natalie. The first theory is that the first and last time I told someone (Natalie) I loved them, it completely 100% burned me. I know in hindsight, it was a doomed situation from the start and I should have seen the heartbreak coming. I also know that O.C. is very different from Natalie and she shouldn't suffer because I made a mistake that got me hurt before her. But I think somewhere, deep down or maybe right on the surface, I'm afraid to say it and put myself out there again. Maybe, even though I don't consider my time with Natalie real love, it was the first time I ever said the words "I love you" and I cried for many nights when I finally let her go.

My other theory, or reason for hesitation is guilt based. I care about O.C. so much. She is truly an amazing person and girlfriend. I never want to hurt her. I always want to be here for her. And I never want her to think she isn't good enough. I want my love to be enough. I want my 'I love you' to be on her level. But my 'I love you' is tainted because of Natalie. I used it too soon and got burned. I basically wasted my first i Love you on a failed bout of infatuation and now when I want to let her know how special she is to me, all I have to give is this recycled 'l' word. I don't want her to think she is sloppy seconds. She is the first. She is the only. I want to be good enough for her.

I know everything happens for a reason. And part of the reason I met O.C. is because of my heartbreak with Natalie, but I really hate the beating emotions and confidence take with relationships of any kind. I hate feel vulnerable and weak. I hate not being able to take back actions, words, and feelings. I want to be able to tell my girlfriend I love her without any of this other crap. She deserves to know she is not alone in this.

I think I will tell her tomorrow.