Has it been over a month since I've posted? Yeah, that sounds about right. It's not like nothing ha happened. Tons of stuff has. Really good stuff. But I get this laziness (almost just typo'd leziness haha) after a while of doing something. Anything really. Even if I like it. Like posting, or writing songs, or promoting myself so that I can one day be a famous singer-songwriter or published writer. It becomes a task more than anything. P.S. I'm listening to a really good song right now. It's "Breathe Again" by Sara Bareilles. She's very good. I saw her live this summer at Lilith Fair. How gay of me, right? I saw lots of lezzies that day.
Ok back from A.D.D. land. It's a new year, I must write a new post!
So O.C. and I are STILL doing great. We're still happy and in love and all that jazz. But I see us progressing to a real relationship. Let me clarify. I hate the term 'honeymoon stage' because I don't like to think our happiness is a stage. But we're getting more and more comfortable with each other, so our true feelings are coming out more. Both good and bad. Not even bad, just matter of fact. Instead of seeing her later maybe, it's when am i going to see you and if it's longer than a night i need to know and please don't keep me waiting too long. I get it. I miss her a ton too but, i don't know. Sometimes I still need my alone time too. I feel bad saying that though. I don't want less of her, I just need a little bit for me. It's not a huge deal. I think this is natural. I am adjusting to life as a "we" instead of just life as a "me". It's worth it. She is absolutely worth it.
Work is going very well. Quite a change from the summer when I hated my job and my bosses and my life from 9-5 everyday. I like working with different people everyday in the service industry. Yeah I meet some crazies and deal with some BS, but I really like my boss and it will never be as bad as my last job. A few weeks ago I got this award from the CEO of the company for writing a little jingle about their product. I wrote it without any intent of it getting farther than the open mic I host, but I guess everything happens for a reason, and this did. I can tell some of my co-workers are not too thrilled. I don't know if it's jealousy or if they just want someone to be mad at because I haven't been with the company very long and already so much is happening for me. I don't really care much though. I'm doing my thing and that's all that matters. No one knows I'm gay at work. Well, with the exception of my boss' boss' boss. He's the one who got my song to the CEO. He's been very helpful and supportive of me the last few weeks and was totally cool when I came out to him. It's nice to know I can find advocates higher up the ladder too. Who knows where everything will lead but I'm excited to find out.
What else? I'm on my 2nd beer of the night, in bed mind you, after an 8.5 hour shift. I don't feel like thinking anymore. I feel like drifting off after a few quick final swallows. That's a strange thing to say. So I'll leave you with that. Who knows when I'll write again so HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Dropping Bombs
Sometimes I hate having a past. Because just when you think something is over and done with, its memory, its stain, its proof that you fucked up comes charging back into your life like it was yesterday. And you have to explain yourself to others and to yourself all over again. We all have a past and things in it that we aren't proud of. I feel like I have more than most. I've also had time to accept it because I lived it. But what about when other people find out? People close to, that you care about, whose opinion matters to you; who you care about and respect so much that you never want them to know what you were capable of at one point?
I am in a strange and somewhat upsetting place right now. From the beginning, I have been very open and honest with O.C. about my past relationships and "skeletons" in my closet. And up until this point, she has been more than understanding, more than patient and more than loving and accepting of those "tough times" in my life. I was very honest about it all, except one. One secret that I have kept from nearly everyone in my life. It was 4 years ago, hasn't been an issue in my life in 3 and I had accepted all the consequences that came with it. I was done with it. But deep down, it made me sick to think about keeping something so significant from her. I promised her I'd never lie to her and here I was keeping this thing from her.
So I told her.
Of all the things in my past that I have done, this is the one that upset her most. Maybe that's why it took me so long to tell her? I already suspected it would. I think in a way, yes that's true. I don't like to deal with things that give me anxiety (which this did) so I put it off. I felt better once I told her, and she wasn't mad at me per se, just the situation.
But now a new situation is occurring because the person this confession involves is still a part of my life. And that makes her uncomfortable. So now I have to choose between a possibly unhealthy friendship and my girlfriend. I've already chosen my girlfriend, but that doesn't make this transition any easier. This person is going to be upset and hurt, thinking all of our past issues were resolved. And now they are back. I know a lot of these issues I seem to encounter could have been solved if I had better judgement earlier on. But I learn by doing, which is why my past is so damn crazy. I wasn't thinking about how my actions would affect future relationships and it blowing up in my face.
We are still very much in love, still have open communication, still joke around, still have serious moments. We are great. But this is remains to be an underlying issue that I can't keep sweeping under the rug. The most important thing to me now is to ensure that O.C. is comfortable and happy in our relationship. She is my priority. She is my focus. I love her. I don't love the other person. I care about them, they are my friend but they don't trump the love of my life. So I will deal with it as the bombs keep dropping around me.
I am in a strange and somewhat upsetting place right now. From the beginning, I have been very open and honest with O.C. about my past relationships and "skeletons" in my closet. And up until this point, she has been more than understanding, more than patient and more than loving and accepting of those "tough times" in my life. I was very honest about it all, except one. One secret that I have kept from nearly everyone in my life. It was 4 years ago, hasn't been an issue in my life in 3 and I had accepted all the consequences that came with it. I was done with it. But deep down, it made me sick to think about keeping something so significant from her. I promised her I'd never lie to her and here I was keeping this thing from her.
So I told her.
Of all the things in my past that I have done, this is the one that upset her most. Maybe that's why it took me so long to tell her? I already suspected it would. I think in a way, yes that's true. I don't like to deal with things that give me anxiety (which this did) so I put it off. I felt better once I told her, and she wasn't mad at me per se, just the situation.
But now a new situation is occurring because the person this confession involves is still a part of my life. And that makes her uncomfortable. So now I have to choose between a possibly unhealthy friendship and my girlfriend. I've already chosen my girlfriend, but that doesn't make this transition any easier. This person is going to be upset and hurt, thinking all of our past issues were resolved. And now they are back. I know a lot of these issues I seem to encounter could have been solved if I had better judgement earlier on. But I learn by doing, which is why my past is so damn crazy. I wasn't thinking about how my actions would affect future relationships and it blowing up in my face.
We are still very much in love, still have open communication, still joke around, still have serious moments. We are great. But this is remains to be an underlying issue that I can't keep sweeping under the rug. The most important thing to me now is to ensure that O.C. is comfortable and happy in our relationship. She is my priority. She is my focus. I love her. I don't love the other person. I care about them, they are my friend but they don't trump the love of my life. So I will deal with it as the bombs keep dropping around me.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Catching Up
I'm the worst blogger ever anymore. My apologies. I just have 80 thousand other things to do that I'm putting off already, what's one more? I'll try and give the brief but accurate overview of the last month and a half or so.
So I kept wanting to talk to Natalie but I didn't know if I should or not. I decided on a whim one day to say hi to her on gchat. She didn't answer. She was at work, or away, or didn't know what to do. Either way, I decided after that to leave it alone. I didn't need to talk to her and I sure as hell wasn't going to chase her again. Ever again. I thought that was it. Then a week later, she said Hi to me on gchat. She said she saw my message a week ago but couldn't respond cuz she was at work. We proceeded to talk for then next 30 minutes or so. It was calm and casual. She told me about her new job, and I about mine. I told her I came out to my mom and sister and she was very surprised and impressed about that. We discussed my music and the recording of my CD that's about to happen. She told me how hipster she's become living in portland. And then we kinda decided to be occasional online chat friends. That desire was a little bit stronger than it is now. Like, it's nice to have the option I guess, cuz I don't like when things end on a sour note, but I don't feel like we need to talk ALL that much. She was in Cleveland two weekends ago. I thought for a split second I'd want to see her. But I didn't and I don't and I'm glad we didn't cross paths. It would be non-productive and pointless, for both of us. I'm glad we're civil. That's all I need.
O.C. and I are still doing great. Her school is picking up as far as intensity. She's basically got a test every week and is in the OR two days a week. By the new year it will be 5 days a week. She's doing really well. All A's on her tests and surgery has gone well. I know it's a stressful time though. She says having me around helps calm her. I like that. I can't really help her study but i can keep her sane.
She met my sister the other night briefly as the open mic I just started hosting. It was awkward only because I feel like my sister is a bit awkward about it. I think she doesn't understand why she's just meeting her now after 6 months, so I tried to explain that I had to make sure O.C. was ready to meet my family given our relationship and her knowing and all of that. She didn't seem to get it. Oh well, at least they had an introduction.
Overall, life is going fairly well. I'm adjusting to my new job and getting along with the people. I'm moving forward with getting my CD recorded. Then it's off to fame and fortune. :) I'll try and be more consistent with these posts, but no promises. Happy Friday!!
So I kept wanting to talk to Natalie but I didn't know if I should or not. I decided on a whim one day to say hi to her on gchat. She didn't answer. She was at work, or away, or didn't know what to do. Either way, I decided after that to leave it alone. I didn't need to talk to her and I sure as hell wasn't going to chase her again. Ever again. I thought that was it. Then a week later, she said Hi to me on gchat. She said she saw my message a week ago but couldn't respond cuz she was at work. We proceeded to talk for then next 30 minutes or so. It was calm and casual. She told me about her new job, and I about mine. I told her I came out to my mom and sister and she was very surprised and impressed about that. We discussed my music and the recording of my CD that's about to happen. She told me how hipster she's become living in portland. And then we kinda decided to be occasional online chat friends. That desire was a little bit stronger than it is now. Like, it's nice to have the option I guess, cuz I don't like when things end on a sour note, but I don't feel like we need to talk ALL that much. She was in Cleveland two weekends ago. I thought for a split second I'd want to see her. But I didn't and I don't and I'm glad we didn't cross paths. It would be non-productive and pointless, for both of us. I'm glad we're civil. That's all I need.
O.C. and I are still doing great. Her school is picking up as far as intensity. She's basically got a test every week and is in the OR two days a week. By the new year it will be 5 days a week. She's doing really well. All A's on her tests and surgery has gone well. I know it's a stressful time though. She says having me around helps calm her. I like that. I can't really help her study but i can keep her sane.
She met my sister the other night briefly as the open mic I just started hosting. It was awkward only because I feel like my sister is a bit awkward about it. I think she doesn't understand why she's just meeting her now after 6 months, so I tried to explain that I had to make sure O.C. was ready to meet my family given our relationship and her knowing and all of that. She didn't seem to get it. Oh well, at least they had an introduction.
Overall, life is going fairly well. I'm adjusting to my new job and getting along with the people. I'm moving forward with getting my CD recorded. Then it's off to fame and fortune. :) I'll try and be more consistent with these posts, but no promises. Happy Friday!!
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Updates
I love my girlfriend. She is kind, patient, and the most level-headed, understanding person I know. This is not an update. It's not new. But she keeps finding new ways to prove it to me. For example...
I have been seriously considering contacting Natalie again. Either by email, or gchat, or even by phone. I still have her number written down somewhere. I came as close as drafting an entire email to her, w/ her email address filled out in the To: window. But instead of hitting send, I hit save to drafts. I wasn't ready. I couldn't decide if I was doing it for selfless or selfish reasons, but I suspected the latter, so I opted out, for now.
I also didn't want to move forward without talking to O.C. first. Just as a courtesy. She has made communication with her so open and so easy, I have absolutely no reason to ever feel like I have to hide anything from her. And I don't want to. I ended up talking to her about it the other night before bed. (We have some of our best talks then). I don't need to tell her this, but I reminder her that my inability to find closure with Natalie has nothing to do with still being in love with her. She already knows that though. She said so herself. I expressed to her how contacting Natalie a few months ago to make my peace with the whole thing didn't bring the closure I was hoping for. I still worry for her, I still care for her, I still want her to be okay and find happiness. I read her some of Natalie's blog posts, and by the end of them, she really started feeling bad for her. Of course, she still sees our "relationship" as a dysfunctional one and thinks Natalie pulled a lot of asshole moves, but she feels sorry for her for being so unhappy. I find that to be pretty amazing. Not only does O.C. understand why I feel the need to contact Natalie, she encourages me to. She says it's important for me to make my peace with this and if Natalie is okay with having me back in her life, even just to have someone to talk to, then she supports it. Everybody needs somebody.
Like I said, I love my girlfriend.
So now that I feel morally okay about contacting Natalie, I have to figure out how and when and what to say. After 6 months of writing nothing in her blog, she posted something a week ago. Basically, she said "she found happiness; different from before but still happy; she's lost a love, and a friend, but she's gained herself back, an a reality check; she sees now what she almost lost and she's clinging to it." Reading this makes me wonder if I should contact her at all. Maybe she means it. Maybe she is happy and me barging in again will only unearth all those feelings she has finally learned to work through, or push down or however she dealt with it. Maybe me trying to help will only hurt things. But then again, it's not like I'm going into this thinking I belong in her life. I merely want to reach out and see how she is, see if i can help and if I can't, make it clear that I will leave her alone.
I'll update you all on my decision as soon as I make one.
I have been seriously considering contacting Natalie again. Either by email, or gchat, or even by phone. I still have her number written down somewhere. I came as close as drafting an entire email to her, w/ her email address filled out in the To: window. But instead of hitting send, I hit save to drafts. I wasn't ready. I couldn't decide if I was doing it for selfless or selfish reasons, but I suspected the latter, so I opted out, for now.
I also didn't want to move forward without talking to O.C. first. Just as a courtesy. She has made communication with her so open and so easy, I have absolutely no reason to ever feel like I have to hide anything from her. And I don't want to. I ended up talking to her about it the other night before bed. (We have some of our best talks then). I don't need to tell her this, but I reminder her that my inability to find closure with Natalie has nothing to do with still being in love with her. She already knows that though. She said so herself. I expressed to her how contacting Natalie a few months ago to make my peace with the whole thing didn't bring the closure I was hoping for. I still worry for her, I still care for her, I still want her to be okay and find happiness. I read her some of Natalie's blog posts, and by the end of them, she really started feeling bad for her. Of course, she still sees our "relationship" as a dysfunctional one and thinks Natalie pulled a lot of asshole moves, but she feels sorry for her for being so unhappy. I find that to be pretty amazing. Not only does O.C. understand why I feel the need to contact Natalie, she encourages me to. She says it's important for me to make my peace with this and if Natalie is okay with having me back in her life, even just to have someone to talk to, then she supports it. Everybody needs somebody.
Like I said, I love my girlfriend.
So now that I feel morally okay about contacting Natalie, I have to figure out how and when and what to say. After 6 months of writing nothing in her blog, she posted something a week ago. Basically, she said "she found happiness; different from before but still happy; she's lost a love, and a friend, but she's gained herself back, an a reality check; she sees now what she almost lost and she's clinging to it." Reading this makes me wonder if I should contact her at all. Maybe she means it. Maybe she is happy and me barging in again will only unearth all those feelings she has finally learned to work through, or push down or however she dealt with it. Maybe me trying to help will only hurt things. But then again, it's not like I'm going into this thinking I belong in her life. I merely want to reach out and see how she is, see if i can help and if I can't, make it clear that I will leave her alone.
I'll update you all on my decision as soon as I make one.
Friday, September 10, 2010
I'm Not Ready
Something happened. It got personal. I know acceptance isn't everyones first instinct when it comes to homosexuality. I know it's still an uphill battle to be treated like everyone else and not frowned upon, judged, stereotyped, overlooked, and hated. I know this. But I always knew it in theory, or through hearsay. I only knew someone who knew someone who felt that wrath. But yesterday it got personal. And I don't like it. Minor as it may seem to some people, it's really upsetting me. I'm not ready to be treated differently, or have the girl I love treated differently solely because we are in a homosexual relationship. It's bullshit, to be honest.
Here's what I know. One of my friend's parents are not accepting at all of the lifestyle. They think homosexuality is wrong. They think it's a sin. And I'm pretty sure they think it's a choice. I haven't really spoken with them at length about it, but i know from conversations with my friend that this is how they feel. I'm pretty close with the family and have been for going on six years. They've helped me through bad times, celebrated with me in good times and in general been awesome to me. They're like my second family.
But yesterday I got a text from this friend, out of no where, that her dad is onto me and O.C. (Her dad met O.C. one time, about a month and a half ago. They spoke for all of 5 minutes. She wasn't dressed all "dykey" and we weren't being affectionate at all. We keep our relationship hidden from them. It was a very general, hi nice to meet you, brief encounter.) That being said, you see why I might be confused by this text. I asked her why she said that and she replied "BECAUSE HE TOLD ME HE THINKS SHE'S A LESBIAN!" This only confused me more. "What? How did he come to that conclusion? How did this even come up? This doesn't make sense." I wanted to say more, but it's hard to put into words what I was feeling, especially in a text. She ended up calling me because she sensed I was getting upset.
"Don't be mad at Dad. He was just being honest." I'm not mad. Not yet. She broke down more specifically what he said. She said he brought it up on his own, mentioning that there was something "odd" about O.C. She asked what he meant by that and he said, "I don't know, I think O.C. is a lesbian. But you said you've hung out with her and she's nice, so maybe I'm wrong." Okay, NOW I'm mad. I didn't realize it was one or the other. Either you're nice and straight, or gay and odd. He doesn't even know her. My friend sensed I was getting angry and got a little defensive for her dad. They are family. I get that. And I know he is a good man. But I think this is fucked up. Why does one label that HE gave HER immediately discredit everything she has to offer. Whether you "agree" with homosexuality or not, whether you think it's a choice or not, this kind of response and immediate judgement is wrong.
I'm not ready to be treated differently by those who are supposed to care about me. And who I care about back. You're damn right I'm upset. And it is a big deal. I wish they both saw why.
Here's what I know. One of my friend's parents are not accepting at all of the lifestyle. They think homosexuality is wrong. They think it's a sin. And I'm pretty sure they think it's a choice. I haven't really spoken with them at length about it, but i know from conversations with my friend that this is how they feel. I'm pretty close with the family and have been for going on six years. They've helped me through bad times, celebrated with me in good times and in general been awesome to me. They're like my second family.
But yesterday I got a text from this friend, out of no where, that her dad is onto me and O.C. (Her dad met O.C. one time, about a month and a half ago. They spoke for all of 5 minutes. She wasn't dressed all "dykey" and we weren't being affectionate at all. We keep our relationship hidden from them. It was a very general, hi nice to meet you, brief encounter.) That being said, you see why I might be confused by this text. I asked her why she said that and she replied "BECAUSE HE TOLD ME HE THINKS SHE'S A LESBIAN!" This only confused me more. "What? How did he come to that conclusion? How did this even come up? This doesn't make sense." I wanted to say more, but it's hard to put into words what I was feeling, especially in a text. She ended up calling me because she sensed I was getting upset.
"Don't be mad at Dad. He was just being honest." I'm not mad. Not yet. She broke down more specifically what he said. She said he brought it up on his own, mentioning that there was something "odd" about O.C. She asked what he meant by that and he said, "I don't know, I think O.C. is a lesbian. But you said you've hung out with her and she's nice, so maybe I'm wrong." Okay, NOW I'm mad. I didn't realize it was one or the other. Either you're nice and straight, or gay and odd. He doesn't even know her. My friend sensed I was getting angry and got a little defensive for her dad. They are family. I get that. And I know he is a good man. But I think this is fucked up. Why does one label that HE gave HER immediately discredit everything she has to offer. Whether you "agree" with homosexuality or not, whether you think it's a choice or not, this kind of response and immediate judgement is wrong.
I'm not ready to be treated differently by those who are supposed to care about me. And who I care about back. You're damn right I'm upset. And it is a big deal. I wish they both saw why.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Lately
I keep fighting the urge to contact Natalie again. Mostly because I know that I can't actually help her. But now that I'm no longer being hurt by her, I want to help her. I'd like to be there for her. I know, I know, how messed up is that? I thought about emailing her. I thought about leaving a comment on her blog that she hasn't updated in 5 months. I thought about talking to her on gchat. I've thought about a lot of things. But I can't bring myself to go through with any of them. I know that wouldn't be for the best. Just in the way that I wanted her to be the bigger person and walk away from me because she knew she couldn't be there for me, I need to do the same and let her be. But still, the feeling is there.
In other news, O.C. started grad school last week. For the next 28 months, her life will not be her own. And therefore, her time will not be our time. We'll steal moments and a weekend her and there, but for the most part, school will be her main focus 24/7. I feel confident that I will be able to adjust from seeing her everyday to seeing her much less, and having less time to do the things we like to do together, even if that just means falling asleep together or eating frozen pizza in her apartment for dinner. She needs to focus. She needs to do well. She will do well. Her future and plans for it existed long before I was in her life, so I have to be sure I don't negatively impact the course of this process. Two close friends of mine have been in this situation for over 2 years now. They began their relationship right before the one entered into grad school, and now 2+ years into it, it's really putting a strain on the relationship. I'm confident that me and O.C.'s relationship can withstand the stress school will put on it, but I worry sometimes that I will let it get to me, and that will inevitably affect her performance in school, which is the last thing I want. It's still early and we've both been very open about our needs and expectations. I'm not nervous because of who we are, more just of the general situation.
In even more other news, I got a job! Woohoo. I've been without one since early July and last week I finally got a job in the business I never should have left: coffee. It's perfect for what I'm trying to do now, which is get by, pay my bills, and really throw myself into my music. I start on the 14th. Can't wait to get back on the grind! Haha get it, like coffee grounds/grind. (Sorry). Off to play the guitar now. Ta ta!
In other news, O.C. started grad school last week. For the next 28 months, her life will not be her own. And therefore, her time will not be our time. We'll steal moments and a weekend her and there, but for the most part, school will be her main focus 24/7. I feel confident that I will be able to adjust from seeing her everyday to seeing her much less, and having less time to do the things we like to do together, even if that just means falling asleep together or eating frozen pizza in her apartment for dinner. She needs to focus. She needs to do well. She will do well. Her future and plans for it existed long before I was in her life, so I have to be sure I don't negatively impact the course of this process. Two close friends of mine have been in this situation for over 2 years now. They began their relationship right before the one entered into grad school, and now 2+ years into it, it's really putting a strain on the relationship. I'm confident that me and O.C.'s relationship can withstand the stress school will put on it, but I worry sometimes that I will let it get to me, and that will inevitably affect her performance in school, which is the last thing I want. It's still early and we've both been very open about our needs and expectations. I'm not nervous because of who we are, more just of the general situation.
In even more other news, I got a job! Woohoo. I've been without one since early July and last week I finally got a job in the business I never should have left: coffee. It's perfect for what I'm trying to do now, which is get by, pay my bills, and really throw myself into my music. I start on the 14th. Can't wait to get back on the grind! Haha get it, like coffee grounds/grind. (Sorry). Off to play the guitar now. Ta ta!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Why I'm MIA
So I know I never post anymore hardly. I find that maybe it's less exciting to read about happiness. Because when you don't have it, it depresses you. And when you do have it, you're probably off being happy, not reading all my lovey-dovey crap. Plus, drama and scandal makes for a better read any day!
I used to be a great candidate for that. I was all about taboo shit, breaking rules, crossing lines, then wondering why my world had come crashing down. Now, I'm happy, I'm stable, and I'm essentially living on cloud 9 with my amazing girlfriend. Gag you, I know! If i wasn't so damn happy, I'd say gag me too.
The only thing I really keep coming back to that is any kind of drama is Natalie. We haven't spoken in months, with the exception of the email exchange a few weeks ago. I've been reading through old emails and blog posts, and even showed O.C. a few pictures of Natalie (I figured she was at least curious) and it has really taken me back. I met Natalie for the first time (well, like knew her name, not just served her coffee) almost a year ago exactly. Anyway, I'm pretty sure she's still unhappy, and even though I've moved on and have found happiness, I want to be there for her. Just a little bit. It's in my nature. But I realize I lost that option a long time ago when we crossed the friendship line. I think that's why I want to help her so bad. I know she needs a good friend and is so good at bottling up her real feelings that no one really knows what she's going through.
I guess at the end of the day, I just need to accept that she is out of my life and that the moment we crossed that line from friends to something more, I lost my opportunity to be in her life. Well, she lost the opportunity to have me in hers, I should say. But I really think we could have been good friends. Although, maybe the real reason we met was so that I could eventually meet O.C. I think I like that reason better.
Alright, that's enough for now. Time for bed.
I used to be a great candidate for that. I was all about taboo shit, breaking rules, crossing lines, then wondering why my world had come crashing down. Now, I'm happy, I'm stable, and I'm essentially living on cloud 9 with my amazing girlfriend. Gag you, I know! If i wasn't so damn happy, I'd say gag me too.
The only thing I really keep coming back to that is any kind of drama is Natalie. We haven't spoken in months, with the exception of the email exchange a few weeks ago. I've been reading through old emails and blog posts, and even showed O.C. a few pictures of Natalie (I figured she was at least curious) and it has really taken me back. I met Natalie for the first time (well, like knew her name, not just served her coffee) almost a year ago exactly. Anyway, I'm pretty sure she's still unhappy, and even though I've moved on and have found happiness, I want to be there for her. Just a little bit. It's in my nature. But I realize I lost that option a long time ago when we crossed the friendship line. I think that's why I want to help her so bad. I know she needs a good friend and is so good at bottling up her real feelings that no one really knows what she's going through.
I guess at the end of the day, I just need to accept that she is out of my life and that the moment we crossed that line from friends to something more, I lost my opportunity to be in her life. Well, she lost the opportunity to have me in hers, I should say. But I really think we could have been good friends. Although, maybe the real reason we met was so that I could eventually meet O.C. I think I like that reason better.
Alright, that's enough for now. Time for bed.
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