Beyond Words

There is a lot to catch up on, but I can't do that right now. I just want to capture this moment, and remember this feeling forever, while I'm still reeling from it.

As we were laying in bed together last night, she told me that she is falling in love with me.

Speechless.

She is falling in love with me.

I have never been here before. It has never felt like this. And it is beyond words.

I've been thinking for a while now that I was falling too, but have been entirely too scared to say anything. Even out loud to myself. But there is no denying  it now. We are too far gone, and his feeling is too real.

We are falling together, and that is beyond words..

Finally syncing up

I had a very vivid dream about Natalie last night. It felt incredibly real. And for once it went the right way.  I had just moved into this new house and somehow I knew it was near where Natalie and her wife would be. So I went out of my way to be in my front yard as they were walking by with their dog. They saw me and came over. I went up to her wife while Natalie was a little farther away with the dog and I apologized to her. It wasn't tense. I wasn't sad inside. I was genuinely apologetic for trying to come between them. She looked longingly back at Natalie and then back at me and said she forgave me because they were happy again. Then Natalie come over to me and her wife went away, and I said "So how are you?" She breathed heavy, looked me in the eyes, and with a look of desperation on her face that let me know she was spiraling out of control and lost-- still. Still unhappy and faking it every day. She said she wasn't happy. She said she missed me and reached for my hand. I pulled away from her when she did that. I told her I had a girlfriend. I didn't have to say anymore. She knew I had moved on and was happy. Her wife came back over, Natalie put the smile back on her face and they walked away with their dog, to their "happy" home where they live a "happy" life because they are so "in love."

I have no idea where their relationship stands in real life. I do know that the last time we had any interaction she wasn't happy. She was putting on her happy face for her wife but inside she was "dying a little more each day." She told me that the way she portrays her life online is just for show. So when I occasionally look on her tumblr page and see all the "happy" pictures and posts, i'm inclined to think it's a lie.

I've said this before, I don't feel sadness or longing for her anymore. I don't miss her. But I have been thinking about her a lot lately, and feeling a little angry. I'm also feeling kind of guilty about it, because O.C. is so great and when I was at my breaking point, she really did save me from myself. Natalie doesn't deserve my thoughts or time. But she's part of them because whether it was right or not, and whether I've moved on or not, it still happened and it still affects me. I don't devote too much time. Mostly I just check in out of curiosity and because of my mild obsessiveness about this sorta thing. I'm glad my subconscious dream world is finally syncing up with my real feelings though. It feels good to be where I'm at and with who I'm with.

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Wow. I was just thinking about how I've fallen off the blog face of the earth. Work has really taken up a lot of my time and energy lately. Which sucks, because it's not where I want to be. But it is what it is.

Minus the stress of work, life is great for me. O.C. is still the best girlfriend ever. She's supportive, insightful, hilarious, smart, motivated... I'll stop. You're probably getting nauseous just reading me talking about it. I know I'm a cheese ball. Her b-day is the day after our two month anniversary, which I will say, I have a pretty good surprise for her on our anniversary. I can't say what it is yet in case she discovers this blog and reads it. Actually, I've offered that to her and she declined saying everyone deserves to keep private what they want. How great is she???

Well before I pass out here, because i will soon, let me make my final comments. My mom and sister are still cool since I came out to them. Work is stressful beyond words. Oh yeah, I ordered a tenor ukulele for under $300 today. Can't wait to try it out. What else? I have two shows this weekend with two very talented young women. And soon I'll be recording this album. I have high hopes for 85% of my life. Ok I'm losin it i gotta go to bed. Night!

Look how freaking cute my girlfriend is!

I've been having some long, looong days at work. Literally and also just stressful ones that feel longer than they actually are. Yesterday, right before i left the office O.C. texted me telling me she was cooking dinner for us tonight and not to argue (Sidebar: the night before, she shared her frozen pizza with me at 9pm cuz i hadn't eaten all day and i argued because she pays for all her own food and is on a budget and i didn't want to take from her but she insisted). So i get to her place around 6:30, and as I walk in, the smell in the air alone made me hungry! I walked into the kitchen and what did i see but the cutest little set up ever. See pictures below.

Appetizer

Main Course

Cutest home made dinner on the patio ever in history

So freaking cute! She made spaghetti, and fresh asparagus, and had 3 diff types of cheeses w/ red grapes, and bread with butter and spreadable garlic, and all topped off with a glass of champagne. Ahh! How did I get so lucky??? I was only there for 30 seconds before I forgot all about my stressful day at work. She makes me smile constantly, treats me so well, cracks me up, gives me affection, confidence, encouragement, and now home cooked meals?? If someone told me 6 months ago I would meet someone who even had two of these qualities, I would have brushed them off in a heartbeat. And now here I am, not settling, not taking what I can get; but getting what I deserve. I am so happy. Thank God for O.C.!

Mama knows...

Welp... now my mom knows too. I can't believe I actually came out to my family. It's still crazy to think about, but also feels very natural. I feel happier, but not all that much different. I guess that means I was really ready for them to know, and I think also ready to accept who I am. That is definitely a good feeling.

I'd like to write more about her reaction and my overall thoughts, but not tonight. I'm beat and have another long day at the office again tomorrow. Stay tuned!

COMING OUT- no really, this time i really did

I can't believe it. I actually did it. I came out to my sister. It was so scary right up until I told her, and then it was a breeze! Haha it helps that she was completely cool about it. Even said she suspected it, which was a surprise to me. I figured she was clueless, but apparently her and my mom have had their suspicions for a while now. My sister and I have always been close but I've never been one to announce my business to her. I just felt it was time to let her in the loop. I'm glad I did. And i was going to tell my mom right after, because I'm pretty sure she already knows but when i got home and asked her to take a walk she put me off and said maybe later. I was on a roll and now I'm like well whatever I guess I'll tell you later. Plus I miss O.C. and am going over her place tonight. So I can't wait around forever. haha. I sound like an impatient bitch but really I'm just needy and there is always tomorrow.

So my sister knows I have a girlfriend. She even guessed who it was. Guess I'm not so discreet after all. Although I really wasn't trying to hide it, just wasn't broadcasting it either. She asked me if I'm still attracted to guys. I said I still find some guys attractive but I have no desire to be with one. I think it comforted her to know that maybe one day I could go back to guys. I didn't say I am and always will be 100% a lesbian. I mean, I don't think I can guarantee that for anything. But overall, she took it very well. Said I'm still the same Malo to her. That made me smile. I wasn't worried she'd disown me or anything, but there is always that uncertainty looming. She did however mention that it would be appreciated on my mom's part if I did not tell my dad right now. Seeing that I still live at home and he is homophobic, we are on the same page with that. No need to tell him something that A. he doesn't really deserve to know about me and B. he will just hold against me and make everyone around him miserable as a result.

So I plan to tell my mom very soon, if not tonight then tomorrow. After that, I really have nothing else to be afraid of. My dad is too oblivious to ever figure out on his own. My closest friends and even some of my casual friends know. I mean I'm not going to go around wearing rainbows and having PDA with O.C., but it's just such a relief to know that I can be myself around those closest to me, and the rest really isn't that serious.

Okay gotta go for now. Happy Memorial Day/Coming Out Day! haha

Dear Diary

It's scary how amazing she is. Honestly, the more i get to know her, the more i am around her, I find something new to be truly amazed with. How did this happen? How did I get so lucky? It's pretty awesome and amazing and...ok enough corny shit. Let me catch you up on what's been happening (in no particular order...)

So, first things first. The reason I haven't posted in a while is because I haven't been home to. I'd say I sleep at O.C.'s place 4-5 times a week. And if I do sleep at home I get in late and pass out. It's not an excuse. But it is a good transition into my next topic. Remember my post about being on the same page sex-drive wise? And also the one about taking things slow and O.C. being worth the wait? Well, without making anyone feel too uncomfortable, I will say this: We are and she absolutely was! And now we can't stop (who would want to?) Haha sorry TMI. But let me just say this one thing and then I'll drop it. Ok, two things actually. One, being emotionally invested in somebody makes the sex 10000x better and Two, I never knew it could be this good! Ok moving on...

So, I met her mom the other night. Nice segue right? Well it was awkward for me too! It happened in the most ridiculous way possible. Absolutely not planned and totally caught us both off guard. Now that it's over, it's hilarious. But while it was happening, I was totally freaked out!  So, it was our anniversary (i know is said 4/22 was our anniversary in the last post, but my sister and her bf's anniversary is on 4/22 and that's weird to share the day. Plus it was so close to midnight on the 22nd, we just decided to round up and give ourselves our own day). So it was around 10:30pm or so and we were celebrating...accordingly ... and then after we were just laying in bed about to fall asleep. All of a sudden we hear this scratching and commotion at the front door. Now, O.C. lives close to downtown so while it's not ghetto, it is more urban than say, where I live. Naturally, we're both freaked out as to what the noise was. So we walk over, and she peers through the blinds, expecting to see an intruder and who is it but her MOM! She had a spare key and was struggling to get it working. As O.C. says, it was the slowest break-in attempt in history. So apparently her mom texted her announcing her arrival that night be we were so distracted she didn't even both to check her phone. I didn't know what to do or how to act. I even offered to leave but she said no stay, relax. So I did. Her mom came in, i said Hi thanks for scaring the crap out of us, and O.C. said i was her friend. She was very nice and thanked me for giving up my spot on the couch and bunking with O.C. for the night. Hahaha, not a problem I said. And it wasn't. Turns out, her room has a door, so we used it. And then Got. It. Onnnnn. Hahah TMI again, sorry.

So yeah, in the last week, I changed my anniversary date, met her mom, and continue to be impressed by everything about her. I'd say things are going very well. Thanks for the patience my loyal followers. I must go to bed now before my eyes explode. I'm a tad sleep deprived these days... ;)