It's gonna be a good night

You know when you can just tell that the night is going to go right? Tonight is one of those nights. We've both been working a ton and her going to school, so we only see each other after long days. We've been waiting for this weekend to be here and it finally is.

So two big things are happening tonight. First, I am finally meeting her friends/classmates from the program she is in. Aside from family, I haven't really met anyone in her life. Mostly because they don't live around here. But her program is small enough that the people she goes to school with are becoming her group of friends. So tonight, we are meeting them out for drinks. I'm excited. They don't know we are in a relationship, but that isn't the important part. The important part is that I am being acknowledged by her other group of friends as someone important in her life. I am excited!

Second, and this one is a biggie, after food and drinks with classmates, we are going to a strip club. Me, O.C. and my ex-boyfriend are going in fact. It's a ritual for him to take me to the strip club for the last 3 years. This year, since I am in a relationship I invited O.C. She's not as gung-ho as I am, but she is willing. And we are all going together, awkward as it may be. I know she is not attracted to other women besides me (because she's told me, not because i'm a cocky asshole). I happen to find naked women sexy, but O.C. is the only one I want to be with and share my life with. I can keep those things very separate. I think it will be a fun experience that she wouldn't normally have ever had.  She's going because I asked her to and she is willing to do things that make me happy even if it's not her cup of tea.

We're both pretty good about that sort of thing. Great, actually. It's been 11 months, and we still have yet to have our first fight. People close to us keep assuring us it will happen, almost waiting for the day. But we don't have to fight for this to be a legit relationship. I don't buy the hype. We are considerate of each other even if we don't always see eye to eye. We talk things through, instead of exchanging hurtful or emotionally charged comments that we don't mean. It doesn't mean we still in our 'honeymoon stage'. It just means we're happy and healthy as a couple. So booyah haters, WE GOOD.

Ok I just went off on a tangent that I wasn't anticipating. I gotta jet outta here, it's almost lap dance time. (I promised her one, since she doesn't want one tonight from a stranger and I have waived my right to one this time around.) I'm not a dancer, so it's a good thing she loves me!

Remind me to tell the cutest story ever next time about going back to the bar where we first met and getting the same seats and having the perfect evening to honor the best day that made our present situation possible. Oh and going to Philly on our first road trip. And moving in together. I don't want to leave anything out since I am such a sporadic poster. Thanks for reading all. HAPPY FRIDAY!

Is My Gaydar Improving?

I made a new friend recently. She is a teller at the bank where my company takes is deposits each day and I am getting deposit trained, so we just met. She's fun, personable, bubbly, sarcastic, pretty, and  has a cool personality. I like when I meet people like this; people I don't have to entertain because they are entertaining enough on their own. It makes it more fun to get to know someone.  Anyway, we got to taking, found each other on facebook, then I invited her to a gig of mine I had two nights ago, we exchanged numbers and she actually showed up to the gig. I thought that was really nice of her, especially seeing that she lives like 35-40 minutes away from where the show was. 

At the show, I happened to see her as she was walking in with her flamboyantly gay guy friend and we started talking. I made a comment about how far she had to drive to get here, and she said something to the effect of "I came out for you", then she paused, her and her friend both laughed, (so did I, to myself, all ready to make a gay joke to her), and then she half way mumbled, "actually that was 12 years ago." The reason this is especially funny is that I had a inkling that she was gay since the first time I spoke with her one on one. She made a reference to me having a "boyfriend?, girlfriend?" And lets be honest, only gay people acknowledge the possibility of dating someone who is not the opposite sex. A few other comments had me guessing, but there were no real tells on Facebook that I could find. lme, after she said that comment, i paused for like 10 seconds then finally screamed out, "I KNEW IT!" I couldn't help myself, it was a triumphant moment for me. She does not look gay, and later described herself as a lipstick lesbian, so it must mean my gaydar is getting better!!

She swears she put out clues on purprose and I only know because she let me know. But I won't let her steal my thunder. I Sherlock Holmes'd that shit! Haha. After my gig, I sat with her and her friend over a hard cider or two, and discussed whether I was gay or not. At first, I tried to make her guess but she refused that game. So I starting dropping heavy hints, like calling a woman at the bar hot and eventually just saying, "well I'm gay too." After that was out, we pretty much only talked about being gay, how long we'd been out, a lot about sex (her more than me), and inadvertently i found myself flirting. Although, if she were a straight woman I think I would have acted and treated her the same way. I'm a friendly and outgoing person. It only came off as flirting because we're both gay. I started feeling bad though, because O.C. wasn't there (she left after I played b/c she had school in the morning), and my fnew friend didn't know I had a girlfriend and might have been getting the wrong idea. So I called myself out for flirting, and told them I had a girlfriend. Then I kind of felt like an ass the rest of the night, but she said she figured I had one because most musicians are assholes. OUCH! I think she was joking...

Anyways, she came to my open mic night that I host tonight, and we were cool. She's a very openly sexual person and I'm still gaging how to take that, but she's fun and cool and I like her. I'm sticking with my first theory, that my gaydar is in fact improving. Go me for knowing my own kind!

Past, Present, Future

So I spent my Saturday night cleaning my room with O.C. It's my first attempt to get organized in preparation for moving out of my parents and in with her. It's a big step and a necessary one. I'm almost 25, it's time to grow up.

So while I was cleaning my room, I kept stumbling upon little notes from Natalie. I threw one out, and kept buried a few others. It was a weird feeling. I felt guilty not throwing them all away, but part of me wants to keep them as a memento. Even though it ended poorly, probably never should have happened and will never happen again, there is a small part of me that likes to remember that time in my life. I don't know if that's wrong or bad, or if it's normal. I also don't want to throw it in O.C.'s face, so keeping it out of sight seems like the only way.

O.C. and I are coming up on a year since our first date. It's hard to believe it's been a year already, but at times I feel like I've known her forever. It's been a pretty amazing 365 days. We've been through good and bad, but we've done it together and as corny as that sounds, it's so true. I'm so thankful she is in my life. I really do love her.

She came out to her sister last week. We pretty much assumed she knew already but now she officially knows. She was supportive and I've talked to her since. Everything is still cool. That makes me happy. So now her dad and sister knows. And my mom and sister knows. The jury is still out on either of our remaining parents. Perhaps they know and choose not to acknowledge. No need to find out right now though. Ignorance is bliss.

Alright I have to go watch a friend perform an acoustic show at a coffee shop. Thanks for reading!

I miss my dog

My dog died Thursday morning. I watched her take her last breath. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. No one else was around and there was nothing I could do to help her. I just held her paw and pet her and told her how much everyone loved her and was going to miss her.

Her health had been declining over the last year. She was 12 and a half, with diabetes, prone to seizures and growing weaker everyday. I knew if she made it through the night we'd be taking her to the vet to be put down in the morning. But she never made it that long. Heidi took her final, tired breath at 3:40am on January 13th, 2011. Just before she died, I said a prayer. I asked God to take her out of this world as soon as possible, so she didn't have to suffer any longer than she already had. I could see the fear on her face and pain in her eyes. She was scared and confused. I just wanted it to be over for her. Within minutes of my prayer, she died. I've gone back and forth on my religious beliefs over the last few years, but I truly believe He answered my prayer that night.

I cried for nearly an hour, with my dead dog by my side. I texted O.C. as she was dying. It was so hard to be there, alone, watching my puppy suffer. She woke up and told me to hug her and just be there for her. So I did. After that, I just laid down next to her and tried to sleep so that the morning would come sooner.

About an hour and a half later, when my mom woke up for work, she came out and I told her about Heidi's passing. We both cried and I called my sister to tell her the news. I could barely choke out the words, "Heidi died this morning." It's gut-wrenching. Losing a pet is like losing a family member as far as I am concerned. She was a loyal and friendly dog, who was always there to listen, never judged me, never had a mean bone in her body, and loved unconditionally.

I will miss my puppy forever, but I know that she is in a better place, playing with all the other beloved pets from other families. And we will be together again one day.  I love you Heidi, wherever you are.

Happy New Year

Has it been over a month since I've posted? Yeah, that sounds about right. It's not like nothing ha happened. Tons of stuff has. Really good stuff. But I get this laziness (almost just typo'd leziness haha) after a while of doing something. Anything really. Even if I like it. Like posting, or writing songs, or promoting myself so that I can one day be a famous singer-songwriter or published writer. It becomes a task more than anything. P.S. I'm listening to a really good song right now. It's "Breathe Again" by Sara Bareilles. She's very good. I saw her live this summer at Lilith Fair. How gay of me, right? I saw lots of lezzies that day.

Ok back from A.D.D. land. It's a new year, I must write a new post!

So O.C. and I are STILL doing great. We're still happy and in love and all that jazz. But I see us progressing to a real relationship. Let me clarify. I hate the term 'honeymoon stage' because I don't like to think our happiness is a stage. But we're getting more and more comfortable with each other, so our true feelings are coming out more. Both good and bad. Not even bad, just matter of fact. Instead of seeing her later maybe, it's when am i going to see you and if it's longer than a night i need to know and please don't keep me waiting too long. I get it. I miss her a ton too but, i don't know. Sometimes I still need my alone time too. I feel bad saying that though. I don't want less of her, I just need a little bit for me. It's not a huge deal. I think this is natural. I am adjusting to life as a "we" instead of just life as a "me". It's worth it. She is absolutely worth it.

Work is going very well. Quite a change from the summer when I hated my job and my bosses and my life from 9-5 everyday. I like working with different people everyday in the service industry. Yeah I meet some crazies and deal with some BS, but I really like my boss and it will never be as bad as my last job. A few weeks ago I got this award from the CEO of the company for writing a little jingle about their product. I wrote it without any intent of it getting farther than the open mic I host, but I guess everything happens for a reason, and this did. I can tell some of my co-workers are not too thrilled. I don't know if it's jealousy or if they just want someone to be mad at because I haven't been with the company very long and already so much is happening for me. I don't really care much though. I'm doing my thing and that's all that matters.  No one knows I'm gay at work. Well, with the exception of my boss' boss' boss. He's the one who got my song to the CEO. He's been very helpful and supportive of me the last few weeks and was totally cool when I came out to him. It's nice to know I can find advocates higher up the ladder too.  Who knows where everything will lead but I'm excited to find out.

What else? I'm on my 2nd beer of the night, in bed mind you, after an 8.5 hour shift. I don't feel like thinking anymore. I feel like drifting off after a few quick final swallows. That's a strange thing to say. So I'll leave you with that. Who knows when I'll write again so HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Dropping Bombs

Sometimes I hate having a past. Because just when you think something is over and done with, its memory, its stain, its proof that you fucked up comes charging back into your life like it was yesterday. And you have to explain yourself to others and to yourself all over again. We all have a past and things in it that we aren't proud of. I feel like I have more than most. I've also had time to accept it because I lived it. But what about when other people find out? People close to, that you care about, whose opinion matters to you; who you care about and respect so much that you never want them to know what you were capable of at one point?

I am in a strange and somewhat upsetting place right now. From the beginning, I have been very open and honest with O.C. about my past relationships and "skeletons" in my closet. And up until this point, she has been more than understanding, more than patient and more than loving and accepting of those "tough times" in my life. I was very honest about it all, except one. One secret that I have kept from nearly everyone in my life. It was 4 years ago, hasn't been an issue in my life in 3 and I had accepted all the consequences that came with it. I was done with it. But deep down, it made me sick to think about keeping something so significant from her. I promised her I'd never lie to her and here I was keeping this thing from her.

So I told her.

Of all the things in my past that I have done, this is the one that upset her most. Maybe that's why it took me so long to tell her? I already suspected it would. I think in a way, yes that's true. I don't like to deal with things that give me anxiety (which this did) so I put it off. I felt better once I told her, and she wasn't mad at me per se, just the situation.

But now a new situation is occurring because the person this confession involves is still a part of my life. And that makes her uncomfortable. So now I have to choose between a possibly unhealthy friendship and my girlfriend. I've already chosen my girlfriend, but that doesn't make this transition any easier. This person is going to be upset and hurt, thinking all of our past issues were resolved. And now they are back. I know a lot of these issues I seem to encounter could have been solved if I had better judgement earlier on. But I learn by doing, which is why my past is so damn crazy. I wasn't thinking about how my actions would affect future relationships and it blowing up in my face.

We are still very much in love, still have open communication, still joke around, still have serious moments. We are great. But this is remains to be an underlying issue that I can't keep sweeping under the rug. The most important thing to me now is to ensure that O.C. is comfortable and happy in our relationship. She is my priority. She is my focus. I love her. I don't love the other person. I care about them, they are my friend but they don't trump the love of my life. So I will deal with it as the bombs keep dropping around me.

Catching Up

I'm the worst blogger ever anymore. My apologies. I just have 80 thousand other things to do that I'm putting off already, what's one more? I'll try and give the brief but accurate overview of the last month and a half or so.

So I kept wanting to talk to Natalie but I didn't know if I should or not. I decided on a whim one day to say hi to her on gchat. She didn't answer. She was at work, or away, or didn't know what to do. Either way, I decided after that to leave it alone. I didn't need to talk to her and I sure as hell wasn't going to chase her again. Ever again. I thought that was it. Then a week later, she said Hi to me on gchat. She said she saw my message a week ago but couldn't respond cuz she was at work. We proceeded to talk for then next 30 minutes or so. It was calm and casual. She told me about her new job, and I about mine. I told her I came out to my mom and sister and she was very surprised and impressed about that. We discussed my music and the recording of my CD that's about to happen. She told me how hipster she's become living in portland. And then we kinda decided to be occasional online chat friends. That desire was a little bit stronger than it is now. Like, it's nice to have the option I guess, cuz I don't like when things end on a sour note, but I don't feel like we need to talk ALL that much.  She was in Cleveland two weekends ago. I thought for a split second I'd want to see her. But I didn't and I don't and I'm glad we didn't cross paths. It would be non-productive and pointless, for both of us. I'm glad we're civil. That's all I need.

O.C. and I are still doing great. Her school is picking up as far as intensity. She's basically got a test every week and is in the OR two days a week. By the new year it will be 5 days a week. She's doing really well. All A's on her tests and surgery has gone well. I know it's a stressful time though. She says having me around helps calm her. I like that. I can't really help her study but i can keep her sane.

She met my sister the other night briefly as the open mic I just started hosting. It was awkward only because I feel like my sister is a bit awkward about it. I think she doesn't understand why she's just meeting her now after 6 months, so I tried to explain that I had to make sure O.C. was ready to meet my family given our relationship and her knowing and all of that. She didn't seem to get it. Oh well, at least they had an introduction.

Overall, life is going fairly well. I'm adjusting to my new job and getting along with  the people. I'm moving forward with getting my CD recorded. Then it's off to fame and fortune. :) I'll try and be more consistent with these posts, but no promises. Happy Friday!!