3 Years Late

It's been six months exactly since I last posted. I feel compelled to tell a twist of a story that is not my own. I tried to make it my own just over three years ago, and caused myself and other a lot of heartache. It was never about me. It was never supposed to be anyway. When you cross the line from friend to something more with another person who is already in a committed relationship, you become someone else. Not just a lover. Or an adulterer. You became innately selfish. You forget that you are taking what is not yours. It becomes yours in your mind. You play a victim when really you are the one causing the harm.

It has taken me a long time to accept that being the other woman is not a guilt free job. It's not an less my fault that I am helping someone cheat. That being said, these last few weeks I have become painfully aware of the heart ache felt by the woman who has been betrayed. And I feel truly sad for her. Not guilty, although I am. But that is a separate feeling. I feel sad that she gave everything to someone and got broken in return. I realize that not all relationships are meant to be and some people don't belong together. But that doesn't justify and certainly does not minimize the blow.

Natalie left her wife. They are divorced. I don't know the details. I haven't spoken to her in months, and certainly not about her personal life. She lives a very public life on the internet, as does her now ex-wife. I know both of their tumblr pages by heart from the days of my affair. And as time started to pass, I would check it less and less. But every six months or so, I peek in. Curiosity, mostly. Not longing. Not anymore. Not for a very long time. I think a part of me will always care, maybe. Maybe not. But I suspect I will always be curious. John Mayer says in a song, "There's no substitute for time." I love that. It's painfully true, pun intended. But eventually, it's not--painful. It's just a memory of something that made you feel everything; good, bad and ugly. I am feeling something new though. Remorse without anything attached to it. No excuses. No rationalizations. This woman is heart broken.

I'm reading her tumblr page. It's filled with poetry about each day getting worse, a constant flow of tears, coming home to an empty house and knowing it's not going to change. It is raw. It is so real. It's fucking terrible. I thought I was entitled to love Natalie because she wasn't happy at home. And I was mad when she did not abandon her marriage and pick our love over her commitment. I was mad at her. I was so sad that she didn't love me enough. I see now, fully, how inappropriate my presence in that story was. Imagine, just imagine how I would feel years later (if it took me as long to realize then what I am realizing now) if I was responsible for ending their relationship. Imagine. I can't even. How selfish and unfair of me to complain about my feelings when I was disregarding an entire marriage for my own happiness.

I can't undo the past. But I wish there was a way for me to help this woman. There's not. And it's partly selfish of me to want this because I am trying to make better what I contributed to, the ending of a relationship. She does not need to hear from me. I don't even think she understands to what extent my relationship with Natalie was. I just feel for her. My pain three years ago was absolutely real. But it's nothing compared to what she is going through now. I truly hope that Natalie left because she wasn't happy and not because she repeated history. While I feel horrible for Mary Ellen, if Natalie didn't reciprocate her love then leaving is justified and what she needed to do. But if she left because she jumped the gun and let her eyes and heart and hands wander, then I feel doubly sad for her wife. It's not fair to give everything and receive so much less in return.

I realize we all do things we are not proud of and as we get older we learn from our mistakes. Sometimes it takes more chances and many more years than you ever would have thought. Sometimes you never learn. I am thankful that I see the part I played and how detrimental it was to everyone involved. I wish it didn't take three years and another woman's severely broken heart on her sleeve for me to get there. Perspective and time are powerful things.

For the record, Natalie has not contacted me at all since the split. And I haven't made any attempt to contact her. I just don't think there's a point. I truly hope Mary Ellen finds the happiness she deserves. And learns to love and trust again. It's the big heartbreaks that make the love to follow so much sweeter. I would know. 

Coming out...of hiding

I haven't posted in a while. I've thought about it. How I just fell off the face of the blogging earth. But I started to feel like every month I was saying the same thing. Life is good. I need to get motivated. I love my girlfriend.

In fact, all of those things still apply. But I've been feeling in the mood to write lately and i've been feeling pent up with words as well. I started writing a story I've been working on since around 2008. It's a true story about what happened to me from age 15 til 20 with a man I met on the internet. I think I might have mentioned this experience in a post once before. It's not exactly something you shout from the rooftops, although I've never been too shy about telling people my personal stories.

I've been afraid to finish the story. It means having to face everything that happened again. I put myself though such suffering after everything happened. With this man, and again four years later with the police. It was such a mind fuck, to put it frankly. I'm through the worst, I think, but it still messes with me to go back to that mind set and read old journal entries of that struggle. So far my story is 11 pages double spaced on Word. I'm only half way through the story. I'm guessing it will be double that by the time I finish, maybe more. I plan to send it in to Seventeen Magazine for publication, and others too. Hopefully someone will see a need in sharing my story. It's a pretty big problem. Men preying on underaged girls through the internet. Dateline did that ongoing series, "To Catch A Predator" a few years back. They even put out a book, which I highly recommend reading. It's sad, but true. Anyway, I always wanted to do more. The reason I went through with reporting this guy to police is so that I could save other girls from going through what I went through. But I haven't done much since my day is court to ensure he isn't hurting more girls.

Within the last year I found out he lives in the same state as me again, very close to the town where he lived when I met him. That puts him about 45 minutes to an hour away from me at all times. Kind of a chilling thought. And he's become super religious. That really pisses me off. It makes me sick knowing the kind of person he is, and seeing how he presents himself to the rest of the unknowing world. He is the Executive Director of this non-profit that sits outside of abortion clinics and provides ultra-sounds for pregnant women who are thinking of having abortions. He's trying to "save" the unborn by getting girls and women to get in his giant van and watch them while he rubs jelly on their stomachs and tells them how their rape baby is a gift. Awesome.

He's not a good person. He has two children. He already had a daughter when he met me online at 15. Gross. It just makes me sad and scared for the rest of the world.

I've thought about whether I should use a pen name when I finally get my story published. When I was younger I thought absolutely not. Why hide? Isn't that what he wants? For me to hide and never tell this story? I wanted to be on Oprah and I wanted to change the world. As I get older though, I realize that not everyone will see this like I do. Not everyone will see me as a victim, and people will form their own opinions as to what they think happened and whose fault it was. And it really frustrates me to think that when people find out that I have a girlfriend and don't like men that it will be because I was molested as a teenager. I hate that there has to be a reason to be gay. There must be a history of abuse, or something that caused me to not like men anymore. I don't like the assumption aspect of it all. But I guess in the end it really doesn't matter what other people think. I am who I am and I have a story to tell. And no one is going to keep me from telling it.

Grrr

So I have this really annoying thing called writer's block. It's amazing I can even write a blog entry. I sat in my room yesterday for 3 hours trying to write even one verse to a song. Instead, I wrote nothing but scribbles on a page and left the room pissed off. I have about 10 different ideas for songs, but can't seem to get any of them out. I don't know exactly what's causing it, but I have my suspicions that Natalie is behind it. Half of my ideas for songs are about her. Don't take that the wrong way though. It's not a result of needing or missing her. I just wasn't done telling her off. And I felt like it was unfair to O.C. for me to keep writing about Natalie when I was clearly over her and in a happy relationship. I haven't been able to write a song about how in love with her I am either. She says she doesn't mind and doesn't need a song, but that's her just being supportive and cute. If your girlfriend wrote songs for a living, you'd want at least one about your love wouldn't you?

So I tried going through old blogs that Natalie and I wrote back and forth to each other. They were depressing and a bit pathetic. I was really in deep. So far that i couldn't see how desperate I was. That's not love. I was chasing her, knowing full well that she wasn't available. She knew it and let me. I knew it and let myself. It was a lose-lose from the start. It's a shame really that I have to keep talking about this, too. You're probably all reading this thinking 'get over it!' I feel that way a lot too. I feel like emotionally I am over her though, just not creatively. And it's sad to say, but angry and sad songs are much easier to write than happy ones. If I can just get one last song about her out, I think I could be done with it for good and move onto more experiences. It's very frustrating not being able to do the thing you feel like you were put on this earth to do. I have to write a personalized song for a wedding that I am in on Sept. 3 so I better get over this soon and on that one stat! I know that writer's block is just a state of mind and I have to push through. But it's been going on for nearly a year now, so breaking the habit of assuming my craft is broken is harder than you might think.

I'll keep you posted on my progress.

Time is of the Essence

Time. Where does it ever go? I never have time to do the things I need or want. But that can't be entirely true, because I don't even work full time every week. Having a puppy has really changed my life priorities, in an immediate sense. For example, sleeping in is no longer a priority. Feeding the dog at 7am is. Not just the puppy either. Life in general is getting in the way of my life. Ha, what a concept. For example, practicing guitar is less of a priority. Working and running my own open mic every week is. Don't get me wrong. I love my puppy and I like my job, but I feel like I'm always letting time and opportunity slip away from me.

As I sit here on the couch in my living room, watching my puppy thrash around chewing what once was my slipper, and typing this blog, I can't help but reflect on my long list of things to do. I absolutely, as soon as possible, need to cash deposit several checks, check on bills that are/will be due soon, edit a video for youtube, write a song for a wedding in september, check on my benefits for work, schedule an appointment with my therapist who I haven't seen in months, clean the house before O.C. gets home from school and finds I've done nothing to help out, email my best friend who is overseas, call other friends who left me messages days ago, and shower before work.

Life can be so daunting sometimes. Lately, I've been having an embarrassment issue. Let me explain. I keep finding myself having to explain where I work and why. I went to college, I did the office job thing for a while and I didn't like it. I felt out of place and awkward. I was unhappy. Now, I work in a coffee shop, making less than I should but I like what I do and the people I work with. I'm happy. Somehow though, i still find myself embarrassed when people ask me what I do. It's not like I'll be doing this forever. It's not like I'm settling. But I see people I know, or even strangers who ask what I do, I find myself explaining why I am there. "Oh, I'm not working anywhere important", or "I'm a musician trying to follow my dreams, that's why I'm here." Maybe both of those things are true, but as long as I know that, why should I care what anyone else thinks? It's annoying. The most annoying part is I'm not really going after my dreams. Not the way I need to be. I'm lazy about it. I don't book myself, I don't promote myself enough. I don't have merchandise. I've been putting off recording a CD for over a year now. I'm just kinda here, in neutral, doing my own thing. That's not how you make it. That's how you work in coffee your whole life and your dreams stay just that.

I don't know, I guess I just need to stop talking and do something. But I don't feel the motivation or the fire in me to go after it. But it's all I've ever wanted to do once I realized I could do it. I need to make a decision. Shit or get off the pot, so to speak. At the vrey least, I need to do my to-do list for today!

How Do I Still Have Boy Troubles?

I have a little problem. The only reason it's not a big problem is because the subject is leaving for a year in about 2 weeks. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

My issue is this. His name is Alan. He is a 20-something single guy that comes into the coffee shop where I work. He's funny, friendly, and yes, flirty. I'd like to think I'm the first two back, and try to not be the 3rd but fear I might be leading him on. We've hung out a couple of times outside of where I work, but it's been very friendship based, i think. Our dogs have had a play date and we've done lunch once, but O.C. was there too. He doesn't know about my status and I don't know if I feel like telling him. But his texts are getting flirtier and I can just tell it's going no where good. The thing is, he hasn't come right out and said "I like you" so to tell him straight-forward, "I know you like me but I just want to be friends" would not only be presumptuous but incredibly awkward. I don't want to stop talking to him all together, because he's an interesting guy and I really like being his friend. But I feel like it's not fair to him, and O.C. and to me to act like nothing is happening.

He's leaving to go overseas in August. Says he'll be gone for a year. I don't want to give him the impression they'll be someone waiting for him when he gets back. I also don't want O.C. to have to worry about this. I'm not interested in being more than his friend but I don't feel like outing myself, and inevitably O.C. too.  I wish there was a quick-fix way to make everything fall into place. My plan for now is to just play it cool and watch what I say around him. It's tough because I'm a pretty outgoing person. But it's better than sending the wrong message and getting a response I can't deal with.

In other news, I've had writer's block for almost a year now. That's a tough place to be when you make promises that involve writing to people who are depending on you. I know I should just write everyday , whether it's quality or not and eventually something will come to me, but it's very stressful to not be good at something you've been pretty damn good at your whole life. Song-writing is what I want to do with my life. It's what I hope to pay the bills with one day. But I can't even seem to do it when it's on my time, and my terms.

I feel like I'm at the time in my life where I need to capitalize on things. On my life. I don't want to work in coffee forever, or go back to an office job where I hate my life for 9 hours of the day. I refuse to settle, but I can't seem to find the motivation and discipline to set myself up for the success I want. It's like I'm waiting for something to just fall out of the sky and jolt me into gear. I know that's not how it works.  Is this what a quarter life crisis feels like? I've made excuse my whole life for why I can't, or I didn't or I won't for whatever the issue is at the time. But excuses only prolong the reality that I'm the only one who can take me where I want to go. I know what I need to do, and that's stop stalling. I need to go for it. I need to try. Jack Johnson has this song, "Don't let you dreams, be dreams. All this living's not so hard as it seems." I need to get over it and just do it.

Man, I should write a book! Ha, ok, one dream at a time.

On a more positive note, there's a big concert and fundraiser that I help put together this weekend at my work. I'm one of 6 people performing, although I think I'm going to split my set with my very talented friend who gave up her spot when she thought she couldn't make it. I'm really excited about the people I have met because of the music I do. The community here is pretty cool. There are some creeps, and some a-holes, but for the most part there are some really talented, good-hearted people who want to share all the joys of music. Corny as it may be, I feel like these people have become my second family. They accept me for who I am, encourage me to believe in me because they do, and have shared some really important moments with me. Music has always been my go-to therapy when nothing else is going right. Now I have go-to people to share this with. Most of them will be playing at the benefit this Saturday and it really makes me feel blessed to have them all there. It's not a paying gig, and it's on a Saturday, which is prime paying-gig day and night. That says a lot, because all of these people are talented and hard-working enough to deserve to get paid. All life complaints aside, I'm really happy to be surrounded by such positive people. It makes those ups and downs and life complaints much easier to deal with.

Alright, that's my writing for the day. Time to walk the puppy!

We're A Family

So it's been over a month since I posted. I know, I know, I'm a bad blogger. But I have a legit excuse this time. Her name is Sophia. She's cute, but very needy and taking up all of my free time these days. No, I am not cheating on the love of my life. We got a puppy! A yellow lab, from the same breeder that gave me my last lab, Heidi, who died in January. Sophia, while very adorable, is a huge pain in my ass. She eats any and everything her little mouth can reach, including people. She is getting better about potty training, but still I don't trust her. And the worst part of all, she has me up by 7:30 every morning now. If I make it til 8, that's sleeping in. I miss the days of sleeping til noon, only feeding myself and knowing where my shoes are.

Honestly though, I only says these things out of exhaustion and frustration. I do in fact love my little puppy and I'm glad we got her. She is almost 12 weeks old, about 17 lbs and counting and the cutest pup you have ever seen. It gets her out of a lot of trouble, including eating cat poop. Which by the way, is disgusting. We're sitting on the porch right now. She's crewing a piece of mulch and I am finally able to post to you guys (well, more likely girls).

So I went from being trapped at home with my parents, to free and uninhibited with my girlfriend, and now free but fully committed to this puppy in a matter of a month. It's working out well. For once, our opposite schedules are helping out. The most Sophia has had to stay in her crate was like 4 hours. There was an adjustment period for both O.C. and I when we realized we'd be seeing much less of each other. I never realized how needy a puppy was going to be until I had one dependent on me. We can't leave her alone for two seconds, and if I'm at work that mean she can't come inside and visit me. No dogs allowed in coffee shops. We're adapting now. I'm also adapting to having no time to do anything else. Well, more like realizing I'll have to get creative. Like bringing my laptop outside and distracting Sophia with a ball so I can get some work done. It's tough being a parent. And at least mine is cute. Imagine if she were a human. She'd only grow needier and uglier. Haha, just kidding, kids can be cute too. But dogs are always adorable.

Well on that note, I need to go pay some bills and take the pup for a walk. Please enjoy the picture below of the cutest dog ever.

This is going to be quick but that's okay. Here are some updates. First, I'm set to move out of my parents and in with O.C. by next week. I bought the car from my parents (for a higher price than I thought necessary but whatever) and will be free from them soon! Not that I don't love my parents and appreciate all they do for me, but I'll surely go crazy if I don't get out on my own like now! 25 is too old for chores I've been doing since I was 13.

I'm excited to live with O.C. I think it will work out great. We have practically been living together for like 6 or 7 months anyway. I'm excited to have my own space And also amspace where we can be ourselves. We're thinking of having a little house warming once I get settled and all my stuff put away. But we can only invite people who know about us. That severly limits O.C.s list and a little bit of mine. It just makes me realize how stupid it is that I have to hide who I am and what our relationship is. But I guess that's life and society right now. Oh also, once I get settled we're planning on getting a puppy!! Yay puppies. Yellow, female, English lab puppy. WAit til you see pictures, cutesy puppy ever!

Alright that's all for now. I gotta get ready for work. Thanks for reading my blog and bearing with the inconsistent posting. Sorry in advance for the typos!