I am overwhelmed in the best way. I'm happy. That's been almost as difficult to say as it was for me to come out. To say I'm happy and truly mean it has been a long time coming.
I lost my job about 3 weeks ago. It's for the best. I was becoming someone else, someone I didn't like. It's very trying and stressful to go into a job everyday that you don't like. I did it for four months and that was more than enough. I was angry and bitter. I would get short with people who had nothing to do with my unhappiness. I was losing my patience, which let me tell you, is quite a feat. I've been through a lot of crap in my life and should be a lot more cynical and impatient than I am. But it was only a job. And now it's gone. Out of my life. I am free from the burden it was putting on me. And it feels great. I feel great. This loss has absolutely been my gain and is part of the reason I can say I am truly happy.
With my newfound unemployment, and my future staring me in the face, it is time for me to make a decision. And I have decided to follow my dreams. I'm going to pursue my music and see where it takes me. I'd be a fool to think that what my future holds for me is anything but unpredictable. If I've learned anything in my 24 yrs of life and many mistakes it's that most things are rarely what they seem. There are exceptions to that rule of course, but to think that I won't have struggles along the way would be silly. But if I don't go for it now, I'll wonder my whole life what could have been. So I'm doing it. I'm going to record my CD this summer. I'm going to make promoting myself, booking myself, and spreading my music a priority. Right up there with family, friends and love.
I heard 24 was supposed to be a great year. It's definitely been life changing and inspiring; filled w/ love, excitement and we can't forget heartache. This is the best combination a songwriter could ask for. Now let's go get me that Grammy!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Hot dogs and the 'L' word
Two things that seem very unrelated? But they are related I promise. Here's how:
First, hot dogs. O.C. is a vegetarian. She'll eat fish and occasionally some chicken, but for the most part, not a meat eater. At the top of her list of foods that gross her out is hot dogs. I am a meat eater. My favorite food is steak cooked medium rare. Still, somehow, we manage to make it work. I also love, as in crave from time to time, hot dogs. I know it's gross, cuz of what hot dogs are made of (all the left over shit from the animal) but had no one ever told me that, I would never have known the difference! Why am I telling you all of this about hot dogs? Because my girlfriend, who does not eat meat, who the last time she ate a hot dog threw up immediately afterwards, my amazing girlfriend made me hot dogs for dinner. Why? Because she knows how much I like them. She went to the store, bought hot dogs, hot dog buns, ketchup and mustard. Now, I don't know about any of you, but I think that is the cutest freaking gesture in the entire world and speaks volumes about her character and the type of person she is. The day my girlfriend made me hot dogs, I knew I was falling in love.
Speaking of falling in love, let's talk about the L word. No, not the show, the actual word. Love. She told me she was falling in love with me about two weeks ago. I kinda said it back. But mostly I didn't. It's not that I didn't feel it, I was just afraid to say it. But i decided it was important for her to know how I feel. If she was brave enough to put her feelings out there, then I should be too. So I did. And it was just as scary as I thought it would be. But incredibly rewarding immediately after. One of the coolest things was that we were discussing us exchanging I love you's and I told her I was afraid to say it and she, all on her own, brought up exactly what I was thinking as far as it being tainted because I used it once before with Natalie. She said it means just as much and not to worry. I couldn't believe. This girl just leaves me speechless time and time again.
So I am in love with my girlfriend. It is such a drastic difference from what i thought I had with Natalie. It's like comparing chopped liver to filet mignon. (haha sorry I couldn't help but make another meat reference). It frustrates me that I put so much into something so superficial. But now I have the real thing and it is something I will never take for granted. Next week will be 3 months for us. I can't wait for it to be 3 years. Is that weird to say? I just mean I can't wait to be with her and learn as much as I can about her and experience so many things together and just have that security and comfort from a really sound relationship. I'm not even worried about jinxing it. This isn't something that can be broken easily. We are too legit to quit. :)
First, hot dogs. O.C. is a vegetarian. She'll eat fish and occasionally some chicken, but for the most part, not a meat eater. At the top of her list of foods that gross her out is hot dogs. I am a meat eater. My favorite food is steak cooked medium rare. Still, somehow, we manage to make it work. I also love, as in crave from time to time, hot dogs. I know it's gross, cuz of what hot dogs are made of (all the left over shit from the animal) but had no one ever told me that, I would never have known the difference! Why am I telling you all of this about hot dogs? Because my girlfriend, who does not eat meat, who the last time she ate a hot dog threw up immediately afterwards, my amazing girlfriend made me hot dogs for dinner. Why? Because she knows how much I like them. She went to the store, bought hot dogs, hot dog buns, ketchup and mustard. Now, I don't know about any of you, but I think that is the cutest freaking gesture in the entire world and speaks volumes about her character and the type of person she is. The day my girlfriend made me hot dogs, I knew I was falling in love.
Speaking of falling in love, let's talk about the L word. No, not the show, the actual word. Love. She told me she was falling in love with me about two weeks ago. I kinda said it back. But mostly I didn't. It's not that I didn't feel it, I was just afraid to say it. But i decided it was important for her to know how I feel. If she was brave enough to put her feelings out there, then I should be too. So I did. And it was just as scary as I thought it would be. But incredibly rewarding immediately after. One of the coolest things was that we were discussing us exchanging I love you's and I told her I was afraid to say it and she, all on her own, brought up exactly what I was thinking as far as it being tainted because I used it once before with Natalie. She said it means just as much and not to worry. I couldn't believe. This girl just leaves me speechless time and time again.
So I am in love with my girlfriend. It is such a drastic difference from what i thought I had with Natalie. It's like comparing chopped liver to filet mignon. (haha sorry I couldn't help but make another meat reference). It frustrates me that I put so much into something so superficial. But now I have the real thing and it is something I will never take for granted. Next week will be 3 months for us. I can't wait for it to be 3 years. Is that weird to say? I just mean I can't wait to be with her and learn as much as I can about her and experience so many things together and just have that security and comfort from a really sound relationship. I'm not even worried about jinxing it. This isn't something that can be broken easily. We are too legit to quit. :)
Monday, July 5, 2010
Three little words
I'm feeling grossly emotional right now. I don't know what my deal is. I'm not even PMSing. Natalie has been on my mind a lot lately. I still check her blog weekly. Just to see how she is doing. I just went back into my email and read our last convo ever. It's making my teary. I'm still pretty upset with her I think, and at the situation in general.
What I've really been thinking about a lot lately is telling O.C. I love her too... which I haven't yet. I think about it all day long when we're apart, and when we're finally together, I can't muster up the courage to say it. I feel it, why can't I say it?
My theory is two fold. And both involve Natalie. The first theory is that the first and last time I told someone (Natalie) I loved them, it completely 100% burned me. I know in hindsight, it was a doomed situation from the start and I should have seen the heartbreak coming. I also know that O.C. is very different from Natalie and she shouldn't suffer because I made a mistake that got me hurt before her. But I think somewhere, deep down or maybe right on the surface, I'm afraid to say it and put myself out there again. Maybe, even though I don't consider my time with Natalie real love, it was the first time I ever said the words "I love you" and I cried for many nights when I finally let her go.
My other theory, or reason for hesitation is guilt based. I care about O.C. so much. She is truly an amazing person and girlfriend. I never want to hurt her. I always want to be here for her. And I never want her to think she isn't good enough. I want my love to be enough. I want my 'I love you' to be on her level. But my 'I love you' is tainted because of Natalie. I used it too soon and got burned. I basically wasted my first i Love you on a failed bout of infatuation and now when I want to let her know how special she is to me, all I have to give is this recycled 'l' word. I don't want her to think she is sloppy seconds. She is the first. She is the only. I want to be good enough for her.
I know everything happens for a reason. And part of the reason I met O.C. is because of my heartbreak with Natalie, but I really hate the beating emotions and confidence take with relationships of any kind. I hate feel vulnerable and weak. I hate not being able to take back actions, words, and feelings. I want to be able to tell my girlfriend I love her without any of this other crap. She deserves to know she is not alone in this.
I think I will tell her tomorrow.
What I've really been thinking about a lot lately is telling O.C. I love her too... which I haven't yet. I think about it all day long when we're apart, and when we're finally together, I can't muster up the courage to say it. I feel it, why can't I say it?
My theory is two fold. And both involve Natalie. The first theory is that the first and last time I told someone (Natalie) I loved them, it completely 100% burned me. I know in hindsight, it was a doomed situation from the start and I should have seen the heartbreak coming. I also know that O.C. is very different from Natalie and she shouldn't suffer because I made a mistake that got me hurt before her. But I think somewhere, deep down or maybe right on the surface, I'm afraid to say it and put myself out there again. Maybe, even though I don't consider my time with Natalie real love, it was the first time I ever said the words "I love you" and I cried for many nights when I finally let her go.
My other theory, or reason for hesitation is guilt based. I care about O.C. so much. She is truly an amazing person and girlfriend. I never want to hurt her. I always want to be here for her. And I never want her to think she isn't good enough. I want my love to be enough. I want my 'I love you' to be on her level. But my 'I love you' is tainted because of Natalie. I used it too soon and got burned. I basically wasted my first i Love you on a failed bout of infatuation and now when I want to let her know how special she is to me, all I have to give is this recycled 'l' word. I don't want her to think she is sloppy seconds. She is the first. She is the only. I want to be good enough for her.
I know everything happens for a reason. And part of the reason I met O.C. is because of my heartbreak with Natalie, but I really hate the beating emotions and confidence take with relationships of any kind. I hate feel vulnerable and weak. I hate not being able to take back actions, words, and feelings. I want to be able to tell my girlfriend I love her without any of this other crap. She deserves to know she is not alone in this.
I think I will tell her tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Beyond Words
There is a lot to catch up on, but I can't do that right now. I just want to capture this moment, and remember this feeling forever, while I'm still reeling from it.
As we were laying in bed together last night, she told me that she is falling in love with me.
Speechless.
She is falling in love with me.
I have never been here before. It has never felt like this. And it is beyond words.
I've been thinking for a while now that I was falling too, but have been entirely too scared to say anything. Even out loud to myself. But there is no denying it now. We are too far gone, and his feeling is too real.
We are falling together, and that is beyond words..
As we were laying in bed together last night, she told me that she is falling in love with me.
Speechless.
She is falling in love with me.
I have never been here before. It has never felt like this. And it is beyond words.
I've been thinking for a while now that I was falling too, but have been entirely too scared to say anything. Even out loud to myself. But there is no denying it now. We are too far gone, and his feeling is too real.
We are falling together, and that is beyond words..
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Finally syncing up
I had a very vivid dream about Natalie last night. It felt incredibly real. And for once it went the right way. I had just moved into this new house and somehow I knew it was near where Natalie and her wife would be. So I went out of my way to be in my front yard as they were walking by with their dog. They saw me and came over. I went up to her wife while Natalie was a little farther away with the dog and I apologized to her. It wasn't tense. I wasn't sad inside. I was genuinely apologetic for trying to come between them. She looked longingly back at Natalie and then back at me and said she forgave me because they were happy again. Then Natalie come over to me and her wife went away, and I said "So how are you?" She breathed heavy, looked me in the eyes, and with a look of desperation on her face that let me know she was spiraling out of control and lost-- still. Still unhappy and faking it every day. She said she wasn't happy. She said she missed me and reached for my hand. I pulled away from her when she did that. I told her I had a girlfriend. I didn't have to say anymore. She knew I had moved on and was happy. Her wife came back over, Natalie put the smile back on her face and they walked away with their dog, to their "happy" home where they live a "happy" life because they are so "in love."
I have no idea where their relationship stands in real life. I do know that the last time we had any interaction she wasn't happy. She was putting on her happy face for her wife but inside she was "dying a little more each day." She told me that the way she portrays her life online is just for show. So when I occasionally look on her tumblr page and see all the "happy" pictures and posts, i'm inclined to think it's a lie.
I've said this before, I don't feel sadness or longing for her anymore. I don't miss her. But I have been thinking about her a lot lately, and feeling a little angry. I'm also feeling kind of guilty about it, because O.C. is so great and when I was at my breaking point, she really did save me from myself. Natalie doesn't deserve my thoughts or time. But she's part of them because whether it was right or not, and whether I've moved on or not, it still happened and it still affects me. I don't devote too much time. Mostly I just check in out of curiosity and because of my mild obsessiveness about this sorta thing. I'm glad my subconscious dream world is finally syncing up with my real feelings though. It feels good to be where I'm at and with who I'm with.
I have no idea where their relationship stands in real life. I do know that the last time we had any interaction she wasn't happy. She was putting on her happy face for her wife but inside she was "dying a little more each day." She told me that the way she portrays her life online is just for show. So when I occasionally look on her tumblr page and see all the "happy" pictures and posts, i'm inclined to think it's a lie.
I've said this before, I don't feel sadness or longing for her anymore. I don't miss her. But I have been thinking about her a lot lately, and feeling a little angry. I'm also feeling kind of guilty about it, because O.C. is so great and when I was at my breaking point, she really did save me from myself. Natalie doesn't deserve my thoughts or time. But she's part of them because whether it was right or not, and whether I've moved on or not, it still happened and it still affects me. I don't devote too much time. Mostly I just check in out of curiosity and because of my mild obsessiveness about this sorta thing. I'm glad my subconscious dream world is finally syncing up with my real feelings though. It feels good to be where I'm at and with who I'm with.
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Wow. I was just thinking about how I've fallen off the blog face of the earth. Work has really taken up a lot of my time and energy lately. Which sucks, because it's not where I want to be. But it is what it is.
Minus the stress of work, life is great for me. O.C. is still the best girlfriend ever. She's supportive, insightful, hilarious, smart, motivated... I'll stop. You're probably getting nauseous just reading me talking about it. I know I'm a cheese ball. Her b-day is the day after our two month anniversary, which I will say, I have a pretty good surprise for her on our anniversary. I can't say what it is yet in case she discovers this blog and reads it. Actually, I've offered that to her and she declined saying everyone deserves to keep private what they want. How great is she???
Well before I pass out here, because i will soon, let me make my final comments. My mom and sister are still cool since I came out to them. Work is stressful beyond words. Oh yeah, I ordered a tenor ukulele for under $300 today. Can't wait to try it out. What else? I have two shows this weekend with two very talented young women. And soon I'll be recording this album. I have high hopes for 85% of my life. Ok I'm losin it i gotta go to bed. Night!
Minus the stress of work, life is great for me. O.C. is still the best girlfriend ever. She's supportive, insightful, hilarious, smart, motivated... I'll stop. You're probably getting nauseous just reading me talking about it. I know I'm a cheese ball. Her b-day is the day after our two month anniversary, which I will say, I have a pretty good surprise for her on our anniversary. I can't say what it is yet in case she discovers this blog and reads it. Actually, I've offered that to her and she declined saying everyone deserves to keep private what they want. How great is she???
Well before I pass out here, because i will soon, let me make my final comments. My mom and sister are still cool since I came out to them. Work is stressful beyond words. Oh yeah, I ordered a tenor ukulele for under $300 today. Can't wait to try it out. What else? I have two shows this weekend with two very talented young women. And soon I'll be recording this album. I have high hopes for 85% of my life. Ok I'm losin it i gotta go to bed. Night!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Look how freaking cute my girlfriend is!
I've been having some long, looong days at work. Literally and also just stressful ones that feel longer than they actually are. Yesterday, right before i left the office O.C. texted me telling me she was cooking dinner for us tonight and not to argue (Sidebar: the night before, she shared her frozen pizza with me at 9pm cuz i hadn't eaten all day and i argued because she pays for all her own food and is on a budget and i didn't want to take from her but she insisted). So i get to her place around 6:30, and as I walk in, the smell in the air alone made me hungry! I walked into the kitchen and what did i see but the cutest little set up ever. See pictures below.
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| Appetizer |
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| Main Course |
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| Cutest home made dinner on the patio ever in history |
So freaking cute! She made spaghetti, and fresh asparagus, and had 3 diff types of cheeses w/ red grapes, and bread with butter and spreadable garlic, and all topped off with a glass of champagne. Ahh! How did I get so lucky??? I was only there for 30 seconds before I forgot all about my stressful day at work. She makes me smile constantly, treats me so well, cracks me up, gives me affection, confidence, encouragement, and now home cooked meals?? If someone told me 6 months ago I would meet someone who even had two of these qualities, I would have brushed them off in a heartbeat. And now here I am, not settling, not taking what I can get; but getting what I deserve. I am so happy. Thank God for O.C.!
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