Thinking Out Loud

My eyes are burning tonight. I've gotten entirely too little sleep in the last 36 hours. I should probably be sleeping now, but down time seems fewer and farther between anymore so I am choosing to take this time to post instead. I want to get back into writing more than once a month. Helps de-clutter the mind and stuff.

This past weekend was me and O.C.'s 1-year anniversary. If I had all the money in the world, or even just a little more than I do now, I could have done something spectacular to take her breath away. Unfortunately, I have recently adopted a fairly strict (in my terms) budget that involves a lot less spending and a lot more saving. The good news is A. she doesn't expect me to drop money on her and understands that saving is key and B. is so cute she managed a perfect date for us on a very small budget. So the day was saved and the evening was amazing even though I am a poor, starving artist.  We ended up having a picnic by the lake and then went back to her place (soon to be our place) and watched a movie, split desert and exchanged cards and maybe a few kisses. It was cute, and perfect, and made me love her even more, if you can believe that.

I'm so thankful to have her in my life, especially now as I find myself faced with truly daunting feat: growing up. I keep reminding my parents, and often times myself it seems, that I am an adult. I am 25. Good God, when did I get so old? It's scary. No one ever said it'd be this hard.  Growing up, while it is better than the alternative, sucks sometimes. It really calms me to know that I don't have to go it alone though. I have a backbone, a shoulder to lean on and a friend I can count on no matter what the occasion and it's all in my girlfriend. She tells me that I calm her, and give her something to look forward to when the days are long an stressful. I hope she knows I feel the exact same about her.

Sometimes, when I think about the future, I really can't imagine a life without her. I know that sounds  like nothing new and super cliche. Just another honeymooner, young love rant that will fade with time. But I truly do love her with all of me and would never do anything to compromise this relationship and believe whole heartedly that she feels the same for me. I trust her more than I trust myself. That's a scary and kinda cool thing. Scary, because before I met her I was pretty set in stone about not believing in absolutes. Fearing them even. Now I'm saying things like forever, and never, and meaning them. I can't say for certain when that happened, but I feel like there is no going back. Not without a fight and a shit ton of heartbreak to go with it. Fingers crossed that it doesn't turn out that way. I've tried heartache, it's good for song-writing but crappy for just about everything else. I choose love. And this time, it chose me back.

Well, I think I am done thinking out loud for tonight. It's time to rest these ojos of mine so I can be functional for another busy day tomorrow! Hope all is well elsewhere in your worlds! Peace.

365 Days Later

So today is Earth Day. That's exciting. Not because I love trees and God's green earth. I mean, I do. I'm happy to be here, but this day is special for another reason. This day a year ago, I was about to become O.C.'s girlfriend. I kid her because when she thought we had already established our relatipnship, I was worried it might not happen in my favor. Ah, communication is a funny thing. Luckily, once I confronted the issues head on, it all became clear. We were going to give this commitment thing a try. And I must say, it's worked out swimmingly!

It's hard to believe it will be a year tomorrow (well, technically today, but we celebrate tomorrow because it was so cloes to midnight by the time I asked her to be my gf and plus, who wants to share their special day with another holiday?!). We've been through a lot in this year, but when I look back all I really focus on are the good things. That's a good sign right?

A friend of mine recently became aware of my blog and read it in it's entirety for the first time. He learned a lot about me that he didn't know, but one thing he said for sure that was crystal clear is that she makes me happy. Happier than I've ever been before. It's true. I can't imagine my life without her and have trouble remembering life before it. How dull and lonely it must have been. (Well, I don't know about dull. I may have managed to make my own excitement but I'll give you two guesses how it always turned out!)

So it' me and O.C.'s one year anniversary tomorrow and I have nothing planned. I've been racking my brain trying to think of something cute, fun, creative and cheap to do. Since I'm moving in with her at the end of May, I need to be saving as much money as I can. But I've come up blank as far as ideas. I feel like a failure. I pride myself on originality and creativity and I've got nothing to show for it. You'd think she'd have a song of hers by now, but she doesn't. I've tried writing it too, but nothing seems good enough. I feel bad. I want to show her how much I love her, not just say it. That doesn't make the day special. I tell her I love her like 20x a day anyways.

I had an idea about three days ago that I thought of doing originally like 6 months ago. Although I think it's better now because I have more to work with. But I thought it might be a cute idea to take all the entries about her from my blog and make it into a little book so she could have a chronicle of our relationship from start to now. I read her my blog once back in like July of last year maybe. She has known about it since like April, but says she feels guilty reading it because it's my personal diary. I can understand that. But if I make her her own copy with only the entries about her, maybe she won't feel so bad about it and can actually have fun with it.  I think it's a good idea that just came to me a few weeks too late. So maybe this can be her year and one month gift.

I'll let you know how it goes. I know she has something planned for me because my best friend nonchalantly may have hinted towards it and then I asked her. While she won't tell me what she's doing, she has admitted to be planning something. She's so cute. Can't wait to see what it is!

On that note, Happy Earth Day and thanks for reading!

Moving Forward

So my last post is making me laugh out loud. Why did I think it was going to be a good night taking my girlfriend to the strip club with me? Haha I live and I learn, right?

It's been a good week so far. Nothing too exciting has been happening. Sometimes, just having normalcy and routine is the best thing though. Soon, the normalcy and routine will be changing, because I plan to move in with O.C. at the end of May. I've practically been living there since the summer anyways, but now I won't have to drive 25 minutes south every time I want to change my clothes or get something from my room. Cuz it will be here, with her. I just feel like the time to get out and be on my own is now. My parents keep finding it necessary to remind me that I "don't have very high earning power" which maybe is their not as cute way of telling me they don't want me to leave. But it's time. I need to grow up.

So a big anniversary is coming up. Our year anniversary. Before O.C., I hadn't dated anyone longer than about 2 months. I hated the thought of being tied down to the same person for fear of boredom and feeling trapped. But everyday is better than the last with her. She has made the best year of my life possible, even if things went wrong all around me, and they did. But she somehow makes the bad seem less bad and the good so amazing. I can't decide what we should do to celebrate this momentous day. Should I surprise her? Should we plan something together? We're taking a roadtrip to KY to see Sara Bareilles the week before, so big travel plans are probably not the way to go. Plus I'm going with her St. Louis for her brother's Commissioning in the middle of may (he's going to be an Army Officer). So that's more money and traveling. We should do something around here.

I feel like one thing I could and should do is write her a song and perform it on our anniversary. I've been trying to put all of her amazing-ness into one song and make it clever and perfect but that's a tall order, even for me. Sometimes, the closer the story is, the harder it is to write it. But it's not a reflection of her. She has been and continues to be one of the greatest people I know and there's nothing I want more than to write her the perfect song to show her how much she means to me. Maybe I'll work on that today.

On that note, I think I'm going to take off for a bit. Thanks for reading, whoever you all are! :)

It's gonna be a good night

You know when you can just tell that the night is going to go right? Tonight is one of those nights. We've both been working a ton and her going to school, so we only see each other after long days. We've been waiting for this weekend to be here and it finally is.

So two big things are happening tonight. First, I am finally meeting her friends/classmates from the program she is in. Aside from family, I haven't really met anyone in her life. Mostly because they don't live around here. But her program is small enough that the people she goes to school with are becoming her group of friends. So tonight, we are meeting them out for drinks. I'm excited. They don't know we are in a relationship, but that isn't the important part. The important part is that I am being acknowledged by her other group of friends as someone important in her life. I am excited!

Second, and this one is a biggie, after food and drinks with classmates, we are going to a strip club. Me, O.C. and my ex-boyfriend are going in fact. It's a ritual for him to take me to the strip club for the last 3 years. This year, since I am in a relationship I invited O.C. She's not as gung-ho as I am, but she is willing. And we are all going together, awkward as it may be. I know she is not attracted to other women besides me (because she's told me, not because i'm a cocky asshole). I happen to find naked women sexy, but O.C. is the only one I want to be with and share my life with. I can keep those things very separate. I think it will be a fun experience that she wouldn't normally have ever had.  She's going because I asked her to and she is willing to do things that make me happy even if it's not her cup of tea.

We're both pretty good about that sort of thing. Great, actually. It's been 11 months, and we still have yet to have our first fight. People close to us keep assuring us it will happen, almost waiting for the day. But we don't have to fight for this to be a legit relationship. I don't buy the hype. We are considerate of each other even if we don't always see eye to eye. We talk things through, instead of exchanging hurtful or emotionally charged comments that we don't mean. It doesn't mean we still in our 'honeymoon stage'. It just means we're happy and healthy as a couple. So booyah haters, WE GOOD.

Ok I just went off on a tangent that I wasn't anticipating. I gotta jet outta here, it's almost lap dance time. (I promised her one, since she doesn't want one tonight from a stranger and I have waived my right to one this time around.) I'm not a dancer, so it's a good thing she loves me!

Remind me to tell the cutest story ever next time about going back to the bar where we first met and getting the same seats and having the perfect evening to honor the best day that made our present situation possible. Oh and going to Philly on our first road trip. And moving in together. I don't want to leave anything out since I am such a sporadic poster. Thanks for reading all. HAPPY FRIDAY!

Is My Gaydar Improving?

I made a new friend recently. She is a teller at the bank where my company takes is deposits each day and I am getting deposit trained, so we just met. She's fun, personable, bubbly, sarcastic, pretty, and  has a cool personality. I like when I meet people like this; people I don't have to entertain because they are entertaining enough on their own. It makes it more fun to get to know someone.  Anyway, we got to taking, found each other on facebook, then I invited her to a gig of mine I had two nights ago, we exchanged numbers and she actually showed up to the gig. I thought that was really nice of her, especially seeing that she lives like 35-40 minutes away from where the show was. 

At the show, I happened to see her as she was walking in with her flamboyantly gay guy friend and we started talking. I made a comment about how far she had to drive to get here, and she said something to the effect of "I came out for you", then she paused, her and her friend both laughed, (so did I, to myself, all ready to make a gay joke to her), and then she half way mumbled, "actually that was 12 years ago." The reason this is especially funny is that I had a inkling that she was gay since the first time I spoke with her one on one. She made a reference to me having a "boyfriend?, girlfriend?" And lets be honest, only gay people acknowledge the possibility of dating someone who is not the opposite sex. A few other comments had me guessing, but there were no real tells on Facebook that I could find. lme, after she said that comment, i paused for like 10 seconds then finally screamed out, "I KNEW IT!" I couldn't help myself, it was a triumphant moment for me. She does not look gay, and later described herself as a lipstick lesbian, so it must mean my gaydar is getting better!!

She swears she put out clues on purprose and I only know because she let me know. But I won't let her steal my thunder. I Sherlock Holmes'd that shit! Haha. After my gig, I sat with her and her friend over a hard cider or two, and discussed whether I was gay or not. At first, I tried to make her guess but she refused that game. So I starting dropping heavy hints, like calling a woman at the bar hot and eventually just saying, "well I'm gay too." After that was out, we pretty much only talked about being gay, how long we'd been out, a lot about sex (her more than me), and inadvertently i found myself flirting. Although, if she were a straight woman I think I would have acted and treated her the same way. I'm a friendly and outgoing person. It only came off as flirting because we're both gay. I started feeling bad though, because O.C. wasn't there (she left after I played b/c she had school in the morning), and my fnew friend didn't know I had a girlfriend and might have been getting the wrong idea. So I called myself out for flirting, and told them I had a girlfriend. Then I kind of felt like an ass the rest of the night, but she said she figured I had one because most musicians are assholes. OUCH! I think she was joking...

Anyways, she came to my open mic night that I host tonight, and we were cool. She's a very openly sexual person and I'm still gaging how to take that, but she's fun and cool and I like her. I'm sticking with my first theory, that my gaydar is in fact improving. Go me for knowing my own kind!

Past, Present, Future

So I spent my Saturday night cleaning my room with O.C. It's my first attempt to get organized in preparation for moving out of my parents and in with her. It's a big step and a necessary one. I'm almost 25, it's time to grow up.

So while I was cleaning my room, I kept stumbling upon little notes from Natalie. I threw one out, and kept buried a few others. It was a weird feeling. I felt guilty not throwing them all away, but part of me wants to keep them as a memento. Even though it ended poorly, probably never should have happened and will never happen again, there is a small part of me that likes to remember that time in my life. I don't know if that's wrong or bad, or if it's normal. I also don't want to throw it in O.C.'s face, so keeping it out of sight seems like the only way.

O.C. and I are coming up on a year since our first date. It's hard to believe it's been a year already, but at times I feel like I've known her forever. It's been a pretty amazing 365 days. We've been through good and bad, but we've done it together and as corny as that sounds, it's so true. I'm so thankful she is in my life. I really do love her.

She came out to her sister last week. We pretty much assumed she knew already but now she officially knows. She was supportive and I've talked to her since. Everything is still cool. That makes me happy. So now her dad and sister knows. And my mom and sister knows. The jury is still out on either of our remaining parents. Perhaps they know and choose not to acknowledge. No need to find out right now though. Ignorance is bliss.

Alright I have to go watch a friend perform an acoustic show at a coffee shop. Thanks for reading!

I miss my dog

My dog died Thursday morning. I watched her take her last breath. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. No one else was around and there was nothing I could do to help her. I just held her paw and pet her and told her how much everyone loved her and was going to miss her.

Her health had been declining over the last year. She was 12 and a half, with diabetes, prone to seizures and growing weaker everyday. I knew if she made it through the night we'd be taking her to the vet to be put down in the morning. But she never made it that long. Heidi took her final, tired breath at 3:40am on January 13th, 2011. Just before she died, I said a prayer. I asked God to take her out of this world as soon as possible, so she didn't have to suffer any longer than she already had. I could see the fear on her face and pain in her eyes. She was scared and confused. I just wanted it to be over for her. Within minutes of my prayer, she died. I've gone back and forth on my religious beliefs over the last few years, but I truly believe He answered my prayer that night.

I cried for nearly an hour, with my dead dog by my side. I texted O.C. as she was dying. It was so hard to be there, alone, watching my puppy suffer. She woke up and told me to hug her and just be there for her. So I did. After that, I just laid down next to her and tried to sleep so that the morning would come sooner.

About an hour and a half later, when my mom woke up for work, she came out and I told her about Heidi's passing. We both cried and I called my sister to tell her the news. I could barely choke out the words, "Heidi died this morning." It's gut-wrenching. Losing a pet is like losing a family member as far as I am concerned. She was a loyal and friendly dog, who was always there to listen, never judged me, never had a mean bone in her body, and loved unconditionally.

I will miss my puppy forever, but I know that she is in a better place, playing with all the other beloved pets from other families. And we will be together again one day.  I love you Heidi, wherever you are.