TMI? Sorry if it is..

I apologize in advance for what I'm about to tell you, but it's an issue that has to be addressed...

So, I'm starting to realize that I have a very high sex drive. Like, higher than most people I'm pretty sure. The more people I meet and talk to, the more I realize that I am not like the others, haha. I think about sex all the time, I'm ready to go all the time, and I'm pretty much game for anything. Now, don't get it twisted, just because all of the above is true does not mean I am A. getting it all the time or B. going out of my way to find it. I really enjoy sex and with the right person, love to have myself a gay (haha get it) ole time. But I don't NEED it to get through the day. Well, let me specify, I don't need to be hooking up with someone to get through the day. I make it work..if ya know what I mean. lol. Oh man, now I know it's TMI!

Being on the same page sexually is important in a relationship. Some of my best friends and I have very different views on sex. Which is okay because it's really not an issue since we have a platonic relationship, but it just goes to show you how different preferences and opnions can be. What if I'm too much for someone? Or if someone isn't enough for me? That could really put an uncomfortable weight on the relationship. And I'm not saying sex is everything, but it's definitely something.

I'm definitely not trying to bring it up with O.C. yet. We have barely even kissed since our first date, and because I like her so much, I definitely don't want her to get the impression that I'm only out for one thing. I really don't even let myself think about her like that too much. I have to earn her. I like that. I respect that. And if we get to that point, well... I'll be ready. Until then, i pretend like i don't have these raging hormones and desires to get it onnnn 24/7.

Ok I'll stop talking about this now..

The good feeling

I had a dream about Natalie last night. Her wife was there too actually. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I do remember that i had to play it cool. And also that they both knew who I was. I mean, obviously, Natalie did, but her wife knew that me and Natalie used to have something. But it was very clear in my dream that they were together. Not sure if they were happy or not, but I had to act like I didn't mind working side by side with them and wasn't bothered at all. I say acting because that's how it felt in the dream. I was uncomfortable and sad, but had to fake it. It was awkward. I don't know why I dreamt that. I have seen pictures of them together recently and it doesn't affect me. Not like it used to. I don't feel much of anything anymore.

But part of me does. Part of me wonders anyway, what happened to all the 'love' i used to have for her. What happened to all of the feelings I felt? Did they go away? Were they real to begin with? I don't miss the bullshit. I don't miss sneaking around. I don't miss being a secret, a lie. I don't miss the pain of settling. I don't miss wondering if I'll ever be enough. I don't miss anything about Natalie, except the tiny window of time where we were perfect for each other in this make believe world. I miss the feeling (even if that's all it was) of knowing there was someone out there for me that I could give myself to entirely. And yet, I'm realizing what a contradiction this is as I type it. She wasn't for me. And i should not have given her so much of myself, because she didn't deserve it. It was just a feeling. In a moment of weakness. For both of us.

I hardly think of her anymore, and when I do it's more just a matter of fact, like oh yeah, that happened. Even though things with O.C. aren't taking off super fast (that's a good thing), I am so much happier here than I was with Natalie. It's nerve-wrecking first dating somebody, trying to figure out if you both are on the same page, and if the things you say and do are affecting them as much as the things they say and do affect you. It's scary and exciting and fun. It's how things were meant to be. Not wondering if you'll ever be a priority, if you'll ever be enough.  I don't want her back. Ever. Ever. I don't miss her. I just miss the good feeling.

Tragedy strikes...seriously :(

This week, O.C.'s childhood friend passed away from Cystic Fibrosis. He was 21. It's incredibly sad and depressing. I'm pretty sure they were close, seeing as they grew up together and she has referred to him as a second little brother. As soon as I found out, I googled CF to learn more about it. It sounds like a pretty crappy disease (obviously) and the average age of survival is 37. This kid was 16 yrs off of that. I can't imagine what it's like to lose someone you've known your whole life. I've been lucky enough to not lose anyone close to me (minus my grandpa when I was 8, but I was so young and didn't know him very well). I can't imagine what she's going through, but I know it must be devastating.

The day he died she texted me inviting me to a concert on Saturday, which kind of surprised me. I knew she had plans to go to this concert because we discussed it on our date last weekend. But I thought she was going with someone else. And with the death of her friend, I assumed she wouldn't go at all. So needless to say, the invite really caught me off guard. She didn't know I knew at that point ( I read it on facebook), so I told her I'd love to go w/ her. It wasn't until the next day after several more FB posts that I texted her saying I was sorry for her loss. She told me how upset she was and how much it hurt. Al day long i kept thinking about her friend, and her, learning about CF and wishing there was something more I could do. I finally decided the best thing I could do besides letting her know I was here for her, and showing her a good time on Saturday was to donate money in her friend's name to the hospital where they took care of him. It wasn't a huge amount, but it was something. Every little bit helps. I guess his death really just made me think about how lucky I am to have my health. I didn't even know him. I'm still getting to know her, but I wanted to do something, so that's what I did.

I wasn't sure if she was going to cancel or not so I just waited for her to text me, and eventually she did. She asked me if I was still game to go to the show and I said yeah, definitely, if she still was. So I picked her up that night at 9, nervous as hell. The thing is, I want to be there for her, but I'm not sure exactly what she needs. Death, and tragedy all together really makes me uncomfortable, which seems like a shitty thing to say. I'm not even the one who lost somebody and I'm complaining cuz I don't know what to say? I might be uncomfortable, but not enough to let it really get in the way. My friends told me not to bring it up unless she wanted to, and other than that just be myself and show her a good night. Because her being there and inviting me means she wants to be around someone who will make her feel better, maybe help her escape her mind for a little while. So I found comfort in that. And once I picked her up, we were fine. I made her laugh, she made me laugh, it was ok. We goofed around and talked for the opening band, but by the main act I could tell she was somewhere else. Probably thinking about him. At one point I saw her wipe a tear away. I felt so bad. I wanted to do something but I didn't know what. I'm not an overly touchy person. In fact, I'm borderline awkward about it and I don't know if she wants to be touched (like a hug or something). So I just gave her her space and stayed quiet.

After the show was over, I asked her if she had a good time and she said yeah but she's really just tired of feeling numb. I didn't know what to say to that either, so I said nothing. We just walked back to the car, and eventually made some silly joke about i don't even know what. I waited until we got in front of her house to give her the card with the check in it. I wrote a little note in the card expressing my condolences and asked her to help the check find its way to the hospital. She was like 'this better not make me cry again!' I said it might. And then she thanked me for going with her and said she'd talk to me after tomorrow (after the funeral). 

I figured she'd text me some kind of response to the card. And she did. A long one, explaining why she asked me to go. She was originally supposed to go w/ someone from work, but she had a rough day last week at work after she found out and ended up breaking down in front of her coworkers. She was embarrassed about it, and afraid if she broke down again they'd think she was crazy. So she said I was the first person she talked to after she found out who wasn't a family member or mutual friend because she wanted to ask me to go to the concert with her. That to me is a pretty big deal. She feels comfortable with me, and isn't afraid to show her vulnerable side in front of me? That's what I want. I want her to have someone to go to. She also thanked me for the donation and for taking her mind of things for a little while. So I did my job. I'm glad. 

Overall, the night was good. Even in the middle of a truly sad and difficult situation, we managed to make the most of it together. I'm glad she trusts me enough to let me in a little. I hope we keep moving in this direction. I think she's an awesome person, and also a very private person. Not too many people get close to her- by her choice. I don't have any ill-intentions with her. I just want to keep getting to know her and be there for her in any way I can. 

But today is about remembering and honoring her friend who died entirely too young. R.I.P.

All ova the place tonight

It's so funny for me to interact with just about anyone on a daily basis, knowing what I know about myself, and knowing that they don't know. Tonight, I was working an event for my new job and I was talking to this girl that I've worked with before who volunteers for the organization and she was talking about threesomes. And she's like "I've never dated girls, but I've been invited twice now in the last month to have a threesome by guys and I'm just so curious about it. Has that ever happened to you?" And I just laughed and said "yes but that's different than dating girls. Most girls who date girls don't want to have threesomes with men." I was so tempted to let it slip but I held it in I figure there is a place and time for me to be out and proud (with people I trust. It's a process as we know) but if it seems forced, it probably is. So I let the moment pass.

I've been trying to work on my self-control lately. It's hard to say how it's going really. I mean, I'm not dating anymore married chicks. But I haven't met anymore either. I have this incredible habit of doing everything I'm absolutely not supposed to be doing. And the more I know that it's wrong, the more I want to do it. I reach a point in my mind that is basically the point of no return. You could tell me every reason in the world why I shouldn't do it, I would even agree with you. But I'd know in my heart and mind I was going to do it anyways. The temptation and thrill I get from that is truly out of control. But with all this taboo fun comes great repercussions. I don't remembr the last time I did something wrong that didn't back fire in my face. Which is why it's so frustrating to be me, because I never seemed to learn. I mean I do in small strides overtime, but the little devil on my shoulder always seems to be a step ahead.

In other news, I found out today that I am considered "femme" Haha, let me rephrase. I guess I kinda knew that. I'm definitely not butch or soft butch. But I wasn't ever really sure if I fit into a particular catagory. So I was discussing it today and I asked my friend what she thought I was and she said "Psh. Femme, Next question." It made me laugh first of all, but then I made her explain why. Apparently, I speak and act and look very feminine. Now, that might be the most obvious explanation to a question ever, but I guess I've never really thought of myself as very feminine. I mean, I'm most comfortable in jeans, a t-shirt and my Kangaroos (shoes). I hate purses with a passion, I've never had my nails done, I don't wear lots of jewelry and don't care if people buy it for me, my bra and underwear NEVER match, and on top of that, I like to play the more "guy" role with I'm out with someone. I like to open doors and pick up the tab, make the first move- all of that. But she explained that those things just mean I'm comfortable being in a dominant role, but I'm still feminine in my actions. Interesting point, I thought.

I was talking to my other friend the other day about types, and roles that we play. I don't really have a type. I'm attracted to very feminine looking women, as well as more masculine/soft butch/androgynous women. Long hair, short hair, sporty, girlie, casual, fancy, I like em all. So it makes it really hard for me to nail down my "role" in things. Like I said, I like to be the more dominant one, but what if I'm dating a woman who feels that way even stronger than I do? Do I change my presumed role to match the way they feel? Do we compromise and split the responsibility? Is there an expectation out there from women to fill a certain role? I have so much to learn about this lifestyle. I took a big step. I admitted to myself that I want to be a part of it. But it's like, now that I'm here I have no idea what the hell to do. I need to get involved in the community a little more, meet some people, make some friends who can show me the ropes, but I barely know how to do that. Coming out is such a process. Who the hell knew?? Ah well, it's better than dating a man!

Alright I'm done writing this novel for now. Peace!

Coming out for realZ

I think I'm going to tell someone in my family soon. I'm feeling compelled. It will either be my mom or my sister. I can't tell my dad til I'm ready to have him disown me. Which, I guess I've been pretty close to for a while. But still living at home would make that pretty unbearable. When I move out this summer, maybe it will be a different story. I'm just sick of not being able to be myself around people who should love me no matter what.  I guess this will be the true test!

I can just see how it will happen. I'll rehearse it in my mind, plan what I want to say and then get in the moment and just blurt it out. "I like girls!" Ha, that's totally how it's going to go. I laugh a lot when I get nervous or uncomfortable, so basically I'm going to be giggling nervously and then just have the words fall out of my mouth, and the probably start nervous laughing again. I'm smooth like that. I really think my mom at least suspects something. My sister, who is 2 years older than me and my polar opposite, has no idea. I'm actually more nervous to tell her. I don't think she'll know what to do, besides get awkward and never bring it up again, haha. Awesome.

I just started a new job two days ago, but I've known my bosses for over 2 years. I think eventually I'll want to come out to them too. I know some people don't like the fact that being gay is something that has to be told to people, or that some feel obligated to tell others. But I actually want to. I want to be out and be a part of who I am, but not all of who I am. I guess that's the biggest fear I have, aside from  not being accepted. I don't want people to look at me as just the gay girl. I'm so much more. I'm the awkward girl, the inappropriate sexual joke girl, the singer-songwriter, the good friend, sister, daughter, etc. I don't want to hide that it's a part of who I am, but don't want it to be everything I am. Does that make sense?

 The good news is I'm finally accepting it myself so it's easier for me to want to tell people. I used to be so embarrassed and ashamed of my feelings. I did a lot of nervous laughter when i talked about it with even my closest of friends. But now it's less of a joke and more of a reality. I like the ladies, and the ladies like me! :)

Ok time for bed. Hump Day tomorrow, woohoo! Night.

Light bulb moment!

Ok, after careful consideration and discussions with most of my close friends, I think I figured it out. My big confusion really isn't so confusing after all. I THINK she does like me. A lot. I mean who goes on a date for nine hours with someone they don't like? On their only day off?

I think what's throwing me off is that the physical part of a relationship has always been where my focus has been. Not that I'm some slut. But sex has become kinda casual for me over the years. For one reason or another. When I was younger, like in high school I thought it was something special. I was waiting. But life happens, You get hurt. And you lose a little bit of that thinking, until you end up seeing things completely different than how you started. I think it has become that way for a lot of people. Especially when trying to figure out your sexuality. I basically started just experimenting (for lack of a better word) in college. You do it when you're drunk, even though you think about it when you're sober, kinda thing.

Anyways, so in a twisted way, I'm taking her taking it slow approach personal, because everything I've known to this point has been shown through sex. The thing is, I don't just wanna sleep with her. I haven't even really allowed myself to think about that. I really like her. And i don't want to rush it. I don't want to ruin it. I didn't even think I was going to kiss her the first time we hung out, until the moment when I actually did. I think that probably has her doing even less with me now. I get the feeling that was out of character for her, so now she's trying to reel it back in.

So I think I'm just going to try and stop over thinking things so much. I could be completely off on this theory of mine. But it really doesn't matter. She keeps talking to me. And if she wants to hang out again, we can. As soon as I stop sweating the small stuff, I think things will go smoother. Here's for hoping!

Indecisive as always

I'm having trouble deciding on a color scheme for my blog. Bear with me. It will change again soon! I need to master the design of blogs so I can make the coolest one possible! haha I'm such a nerd. I'll figure it out though.

In other news, O.C. texted me this morning. Twice. I'm truly confused by her. Sometimes I just wanna be like listen, what's the deal? I like you, I think you like me. Where is this going? But I won't, cuz that would not be playing the game right. So I'll just sit here, twiddling my thumbs, changing the font colors on my blog, waiting for a sign or a clear cut answer to my life's dilemmas. Ha, I'm passive like that.

Here's a question. Although I'm not entirely sure who is all reading my blog, (but thank you for those of you who do), but I wonder are the rules for hetero dating the same as same sex? I was talking to my  best guy friend about it last night. He says I'm absolutely sucking at the game right now. I'm chasing her. She has all the control. I need to act like I don't care & let her come to me. Basically I need to back off and if she wants me she'll work for it. But I don't operate like that. I just wanna hang out, be cute and dorky instead of trying to play it cool (which is realllly not my style haha), and see what happens. The girl he's dating now he says he never calls her first, never asks to hang out and they've been dating for like 5 months. Why does that work? Do I need to do that? If anyone has insight for me, I'd greatly appreciate it. What's a girl to do?

Alright, off to fill out some paper work for the new job tomorrow. Latas!