She's not feeling well tonight. She has a cough that won't quit. So after work, I picked up some cough drops and green tea for her and just sat with her while she laid in bed. We ended up talking from like 6:30-11:00. About everything. A lot of childhood memories, past relationships, embarrassing family stories and more. It sounds so simple but it really made me happy to be there with her talking about this stuff. We didn't have to be out to dinner or drinking to have a good time. And have I mentioned lately how funny she is? Gosh, she really knows how to make me laugh. I love that about her. I can't exactly put it into words right now, but being with her, even just in the same room telling goofy stories, makes me feel so content. So happy. And no guilt or sadness to follow. Just happy. It's so refreshing. She makes me feel lucky.
I hope she feels better soon. I won't see her tomorrow because I have a show, she has to work and then her mom is coming into town. But Saturday I'll see her again and I'm hoping she'll get to meet some of my friends. I'm excited to show her off. What an awesome person she is, and she's with me! :) Well, this is a short one but I am pooped so I'm passin' out. Night.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Out of body experience? Well maybe not that extreme..
I am having a weird moment right now. It's actually happening as I type this. I'm on my gmail account, and for some unknown reason I typed in Natalie's name to the search and read our last gchat conversation (which was our last convo since we decided to stop speaking). I read through the entire thing, still feeling relatively indifferent towards her. Although reading things like "i'll always love you" kinda makes me stomach turn. Not in a longing, 'i miss you' way. More of a 'what a waste of a good sentence' kinda way. How could I begin to think I knew what love was and that I had it with her? I was so blind, so quick to settle for less and immerse myself in it. I still look at her tumblr page from time to time and to my own surprise, I still feel nothing. But just now, I took her off block and put her on always show on the sidebar and there she was. There she is. Online. Right now. I have no desire to talk to her. I have nothing to say. I no longer need her to care about anything going on in my life. I'm happy. I am so happy and excited about my relationship with O.C. But I am still looking at her page and reading our old chats. I guess the reason I am doing these things comes down to this: I don't want to be with her and I don't miss how it felt to always be number two or some dirty little secret, but for 3 short months it was a huge part of my life. She is still the first person I said I love you to and meant it (or thought I meant it). We had a connection, for sure. But it wasn't enough. I guess I just want her to be okay. Even if that means me looking on from a distance. And it does. It always will, unless I stop looking. I never want to see first hand, how she's doing again. The time has come and gone.
Still, it's weird to see her name on that sidebar again. Takes me back to such desperation. Such heartbreak. And that was only two months ago.
Still, it's weird to see her name on that sidebar again. Takes me back to such desperation. Such heartbreak. And that was only two months ago.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
So, I have a girlfriend and I'm pretty damn excited about it. I have the most content feeling when I think about it; when I think about her. I went back and read my entire blog today, to kind of relive the whole thing from the getting over natalie, to our first date, to the wondering and waiting and doubting...all of it. And I noticed a couple key things. One, I'm obsessed with "playing the game" but when it really comes down to it, i totally didn't. I was over eager and i didn't make her come to me. Still worked though, being myself worked. Fancy that. Another thing I noticed was my constant self doubt, does she like me? Is this mutual? Lots of uncertainty followed by a combination for surprise and glee when she did something that showed me she likes me. And lastly, what I noticed from reading my entire blog through is that I have genuinely liked her since the beginning. I'm always just happy to be around her. Whether we're out on a date, having drinks or falling asleep next to one another, I am just so content when I'm with her.
So we decided the other night that it was time for us to have a title. It didn't happen right away though. She brought it up with me before we went to sleep the other night. She started by telling me she really likes me, which she hasn't been incredibly vocal about so it was really nice to hear. And then she asked what I thought about us having a title more than booty call, which I quickly corrected her and said she has never been a booty call. I really thought this was going in the direction of having a title that night. So i got excited, and a little bit ahead of myself and I said i think that's a great idea! And then there was a pause, so I filled it with "but it doesn't have to happen, I don't want you to feel rushed or pressured." She then went on to talk about some of her biggest concerns.
One being she starts grad school in the fall, and it's going to be a pretty rigorous/intense program that she's going to need her full attention on. I've known since I met her that she is a very driven and motivated person and that her career is very important to her. That's one of the many things I love about her. And I know that I will be a distraction for her. In fact, she even said I will be the only one actually. She's pretty good at blocking everything else out (her words, not mine). I tried to tell her that I never want to be the reason her education or career is put in jeopardy. I want to support her, not distract her from what really matters. But just based on the nature of our relationship, I will be a distraction.
Her other concern was about me and the fact that we met just as I was getting over a pretty serious heart break and she didn't know if I'd be ready for a relationship. And to be honest, it's a completely fair concern. If I were her, I'd be thinking the same thing. But the thing is, and I tried to explain this the best I could at the time, the reason it's so easy to get over natalie now is that i see that i deserve more than she could ever give me. I was desperate for her when I thought that i had to settle. But once I removed myself from the situation and saw that not only do i have a lot to offer someone, there are people out there even more amazing who will appreciate me. Why would I stay hung up on someone who is completely wrong for and undeserving of me when I have someone amazing standing right in front of me. I explained that while the heartache was real, the most difficult part of that whole ordeal was not losing natalie, it was that I may have wasted my first experience with love on something much less. Infatuation. That has been the hardest pill to swallow. Admitting it wasn't real love. Sucks, but accepting that has helped me move on.
By the end of my two explanations, I basically said "Listen I like you a lot, I'm not trying to date anyone else and I would of course love to have a title with you, but I also don't want you to feel any sort of pressure or like I have expectations of you at this point, because I don't. I want to take it as fast or as slow as you do." And then I waited for a response. Anything would have done. But instead, we both laid there til we fell asleep. So badly i wanted to ask her what she was thinking, but I was afraid to hear the answer, so I just laid there cuddled up next to her, with my head on her chest and listened to her heart beat, wondering/worrying that I was going to lose her. It was the first time I really felt like this might not go the way I thought it would, and it scared me. Honestly, it just made me really sad.
But, obviously more must have happened because I already told you how it ends! So i went to work the next day and before I left I told her I could really use a beer. So she said she'd like to buy me one after work. Twist my arm, ok! So we went to the restaurant/bar at the end of her street. And over the course of about... maybe 3 hours, we talked about a lot of things. Casual stuff like work, and school and weekend plans, to how we first met, to how neither of us ever expected this to happen. These feelings to develop. And the interesting thing is that we both are coming from such different places but we are in the exact same boat. We are both scared, and we both admitted that, which was actually a huge comfort to me. We are building something together, trust and a relationship and a future. It's scary stuff and for two people who have trouble letting someone in, it's a really big deal. We ended up re-discussing her two concerns from the night before. Because I brought them up and said 'so I was afraid to bring this up last night but..." Ha, smooth right? Well i was being honest. And she said as far as the school thing is concerned, as long as I understand that once school starts things are going to be different and she has to do well and stay focused, then there's no reason this can't work. She won't fight it. Even if she wanted to, apparently, she couldn't. (Again, her words, not mine). On a side note, she told me that when it was time to pick what grad school she went to, I was part of the reason she chose the one she did. (The one she chose is in the city we live in now, the other option was an hour and a half away in her hometown. Much less expensive that the one she picked, but not as reputable). The reason this is crazy to me is that our first date was like 3 days before she had to make her final decision. So, I must have made a bit of an impression early on after all.
Ok I'm starting to write a book again, so I'll wrap this up. We ended up just having a really awesome talk and we decided the only way this will work is through honestly and open communication. I agreed. But we still never came out and established ourselves as having a title. Fast forward to us being back at her place, and kissing in the hallway. I pulled away briefly, raised my hand like i was in school and said 'i have a question. now, no pressure, buttt, remember when you asked if we should be more than booty call status and have a title... do you think we should or should not have a title at this point... juusst curious?' And she laughed, and said oh yeah i guess we did forget to address that. well.......i guess i'd say.....TITLE!' And then i believe I let out a "WOO!" and did a little dance.
And that, my friends, is how you get a girlfriend! haha
So we decided the other night that it was time for us to have a title. It didn't happen right away though. She brought it up with me before we went to sleep the other night. She started by telling me she really likes me, which she hasn't been incredibly vocal about so it was really nice to hear. And then she asked what I thought about us having a title more than booty call, which I quickly corrected her and said she has never been a booty call. I really thought this was going in the direction of having a title that night. So i got excited, and a little bit ahead of myself and I said i think that's a great idea! And then there was a pause, so I filled it with "but it doesn't have to happen, I don't want you to feel rushed or pressured." She then went on to talk about some of her biggest concerns.
One being she starts grad school in the fall, and it's going to be a pretty rigorous/intense program that she's going to need her full attention on. I've known since I met her that she is a very driven and motivated person and that her career is very important to her. That's one of the many things I love about her. And I know that I will be a distraction for her. In fact, she even said I will be the only one actually. She's pretty good at blocking everything else out (her words, not mine). I tried to tell her that I never want to be the reason her education or career is put in jeopardy. I want to support her, not distract her from what really matters. But just based on the nature of our relationship, I will be a distraction.
Her other concern was about me and the fact that we met just as I was getting over a pretty serious heart break and she didn't know if I'd be ready for a relationship. And to be honest, it's a completely fair concern. If I were her, I'd be thinking the same thing. But the thing is, and I tried to explain this the best I could at the time, the reason it's so easy to get over natalie now is that i see that i deserve more than she could ever give me. I was desperate for her when I thought that i had to settle. But once I removed myself from the situation and saw that not only do i have a lot to offer someone, there are people out there even more amazing who will appreciate me. Why would I stay hung up on someone who is completely wrong for and undeserving of me when I have someone amazing standing right in front of me. I explained that while the heartache was real, the most difficult part of that whole ordeal was not losing natalie, it was that I may have wasted my first experience with love on something much less. Infatuation. That has been the hardest pill to swallow. Admitting it wasn't real love. Sucks, but accepting that has helped me move on.
By the end of my two explanations, I basically said "Listen I like you a lot, I'm not trying to date anyone else and I would of course love to have a title with you, but I also don't want you to feel any sort of pressure or like I have expectations of you at this point, because I don't. I want to take it as fast or as slow as you do." And then I waited for a response. Anything would have done. But instead, we both laid there til we fell asleep. So badly i wanted to ask her what she was thinking, but I was afraid to hear the answer, so I just laid there cuddled up next to her, with my head on her chest and listened to her heart beat, wondering/worrying that I was going to lose her. It was the first time I really felt like this might not go the way I thought it would, and it scared me. Honestly, it just made me really sad.
But, obviously more must have happened because I already told you how it ends! So i went to work the next day and before I left I told her I could really use a beer. So she said she'd like to buy me one after work. Twist my arm, ok! So we went to the restaurant/bar at the end of her street. And over the course of about... maybe 3 hours, we talked about a lot of things. Casual stuff like work, and school and weekend plans, to how we first met, to how neither of us ever expected this to happen. These feelings to develop. And the interesting thing is that we both are coming from such different places but we are in the exact same boat. We are both scared, and we both admitted that, which was actually a huge comfort to me. We are building something together, trust and a relationship and a future. It's scary stuff and for two people who have trouble letting someone in, it's a really big deal. We ended up re-discussing her two concerns from the night before. Because I brought them up and said 'so I was afraid to bring this up last night but..." Ha, smooth right? Well i was being honest. And she said as far as the school thing is concerned, as long as I understand that once school starts things are going to be different and she has to do well and stay focused, then there's no reason this can't work. She won't fight it. Even if she wanted to, apparently, she couldn't. (Again, her words, not mine). On a side note, she told me that when it was time to pick what grad school she went to, I was part of the reason she chose the one she did. (The one she chose is in the city we live in now, the other option was an hour and a half away in her hometown. Much less expensive that the one she picked, but not as reputable). The reason this is crazy to me is that our first date was like 3 days before she had to make her final decision. So, I must have made a bit of an impression early on after all.
Ok I'm starting to write a book again, so I'll wrap this up. We ended up just having a really awesome talk and we decided the only way this will work is through honestly and open communication. I agreed. But we still never came out and established ourselves as having a title. Fast forward to us being back at her place, and kissing in the hallway. I pulled away briefly, raised my hand like i was in school and said 'i have a question. now, no pressure, buttt, remember when you asked if we should be more than booty call status and have a title... do you think we should or should not have a title at this point... juusst curious?' And she laughed, and said oh yeah i guess we did forget to address that. well....
And that, my friends, is how you get a girlfriend! haha
Friday, April 23, 2010
Best Earth Day EVER
I am incredibly excited to say that I officially have* a girlfriend. :) Details to come...YAY
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Why am I gay?
Is that a fair question to ask? No, I don't think so. But it's one I think of sometimes. Is there a reason I feel the way I do beyond being born this way? I've been asked by people I am out to who know me very well if I think the reason I'm gay is because of all the negative experiences I've had with men. Specifically, the relationship I have with my father, who represents everything I never want to be.
I look at my mom and I see how trapped she is, living with this man who has no respect, no regard, no compassion or love for anyone but himself. He is so angry all of the time. And he makes sure everyone else around him is just as unhappy. It's how he runs 'his house.' I never want to be in a situation where I hate coming home to the life that I chose. I love my mom so much, and to see the bullshit she puts up with on a regular basis makes me so sad for her. But that doesn't make me gay. That just makes me a concerned daughter.
Back in 2002, when I was 15, I had a pretty negative experience with a man that I met on the internet. I was searching for something it seemed, and for a brief moment in time it seemed that I had found it in this man. For two whole weeks, I felt like I was the center of his universe. I mattered to him, and so I gave him all of me. Literally. This man, this stranger, who I didn't know it at the time, but was 31, managed to say all the things I need to hear to give him the most precious thing I had- my virginity. And within a week, he was gone again. I harbored this secret with me for 4 years, letting it eat away inside of me, wishing I knew why I wasn't good enough, why he didn't love me, all of that. And then, one day, at age 19, I blurted out to my therapist that I lost my virginity to a man much older than me. That was the beginning of the most difficult year of my life. But it ended with an arrest, and a conviction, and closure. But does that make me gay? No, I still don't think so. It made me learn a lot about myself, like how strong I am even when faced with the (seemingly) impossible.
I think whether or not I had these experiences in my life, I would still feel the way I do about women. And i don't hate men. I strongly dislike anyone, man or woman, who mistreats my family or those I love. And I'm learning to demand more for myself too.
Why am I gay? Who cares. I'm just glad to finally accept that I am.
I look at my mom and I see how trapped she is, living with this man who has no respect, no regard, no compassion or love for anyone but himself. He is so angry all of the time. And he makes sure everyone else around him is just as unhappy. It's how he runs 'his house.' I never want to be in a situation where I hate coming home to the life that I chose. I love my mom so much, and to see the bullshit she puts up with on a regular basis makes me so sad for her. But that doesn't make me gay. That just makes me a concerned daughter.
Back in 2002, when I was 15, I had a pretty negative experience with a man that I met on the internet. I was searching for something it seemed, and for a brief moment in time it seemed that I had found it in this man. For two whole weeks, I felt like I was the center of his universe. I mattered to him, and so I gave him all of me. Literally. This man, this stranger, who I didn't know it at the time, but was 31, managed to say all the things I need to hear to give him the most precious thing I had- my virginity. And within a week, he was gone again. I harbored this secret with me for 4 years, letting it eat away inside of me, wishing I knew why I wasn't good enough, why he didn't love me, all of that. And then, one day, at age 19, I blurted out to my therapist that I lost my virginity to a man much older than me. That was the beginning of the most difficult year of my life. But it ended with an arrest, and a conviction, and closure. But does that make me gay? No, I still don't think so. It made me learn a lot about myself, like how strong I am even when faced with the (seemingly) impossible.
I think whether or not I had these experiences in my life, I would still feel the way I do about women. And i don't hate men. I strongly dislike anyone, man or woman, who mistreats my family or those I love. And I'm learning to demand more for myself too.
Why am I gay? Who cares. I'm just glad to finally accept that I am.
Friday, April 16, 2010
A step in the right direction
I told someone from work last night that I'm gay. It was scary but liberating. And once it (or I) was out, I felt so much better. The entire night prior I was holding back so much because anything I had to say would've given myself away and it was not the time or place. But eventually, she started asking me about her friend and if I thought he was cute. I finally just said "He's not my type." So of course she asked "well what is your type" and I hesitated briefly, took a deep breath..and said.. "women." Shockingly easy. She didn't freak out or tell me I'm weird, she just seemed a little surprised. Like, "Oh...really?" And then actually, she ended up saying she wasn't that surprised, haha. She couldn't really explain why. Then again, she was a tad tipsy at the time too. But that's okay. The point is I came out to someone in the professional world! And they still like me. Holy crap, that really is a big deal for me. It's taken me two years to get comfortable being in that world in general, and here I go rockin' the boat with my sexuality. And it wasn't that bad. I kinda want to tell more people. Maybe I'll just write it on my forehead on Monday, get it out of the way, first thing! haha Or not...
So O.C.; I really like her. A lot. I told her this the other night. And then she kissed me. Does that mean she likes me a lot too? I hope so. I'm nervous though. I don't want to screw this up. I'm finally playing by the rules and I like it. Sneaking around, doing the "taboo" thing is exciting but it gets old. At the end of the day, I just want to be happy and have the simple things. Love, trust, commitment. I know I fear all things absolute, like the words forever and never. But I've never had them, so obviously I'm going to fear the unknown. I'm not saying this thing with O.C. is an absolute either. I just want to get to a place with her where I can feel like we have something stable. But I don't want to scare her away at the same time.
I have all these little ideas I want to do, like bringing her breakfast in the morning after she gets off from working nightshift. Or leaving a flower on her car windshield on my way to work in the morning. Little things that I can do to show her I'm thinking about her and I like her. But I don't want her to feel smothered or like I'm coming on too strong. Especially when I'm the first person she's really let herself open up to. I don't want to take things too fast for her. Ahh, the games I play in my head, I swear they make me crazy. What if I could just be completely confident in myself and know that what I am doing is enough and what she likes/wants? Is anyone so self-assured? I guess I'm doing okay so far. I feel like she likes me, but the longer I spend away from her the more I start to question myself. I wonder why that is.
She makes me smile though, spontaneously throughout the day. I think back to all the million stupid things I say around that girl and I am amazed that she keeps coming back to me. I am just a fool to the max around her. She does this thing where I'll say something completely embarrassing and ridiculous, then I'll call myself out on it and ask her to say something so I can stop talking and she'll just give me this look like 'oh no, keep going, this is just getting good' so of course I can't stop and i just keep digging in deeper and deeper. Haha it's making me chuckle as I type this. I guess it's charming in some ways. But if I could just be cool for a day around her that'd be nice.
We're going to a baseball game on Sunday; box seats behind home plate (haha, i said box). She invited me. :) Maybe I'll play it cool then. Or maybe not and I won't need to, cuz that's what she likes about me. Hmm, interesting concept...
So O.C.; I really like her. A lot. I told her this the other night. And then she kissed me. Does that mean she likes me a lot too? I hope so. I'm nervous though. I don't want to screw this up. I'm finally playing by the rules and I like it. Sneaking around, doing the "taboo" thing is exciting but it gets old. At the end of the day, I just want to be happy and have the simple things. Love, trust, commitment. I know I fear all things absolute, like the words forever and never. But I've never had them, so obviously I'm going to fear the unknown. I'm not saying this thing with O.C. is an absolute either. I just want to get to a place with her where I can feel like we have something stable. But I don't want to scare her away at the same time.
I have all these little ideas I want to do, like bringing her breakfast in the morning after she gets off from working nightshift. Or leaving a flower on her car windshield on my way to work in the morning. Little things that I can do to show her I'm thinking about her and I like her. But I don't want her to feel smothered or like I'm coming on too strong. Especially when I'm the first person she's really let herself open up to. I don't want to take things too fast for her. Ahh, the games I play in my head, I swear they make me crazy. What if I could just be completely confident in myself and know that what I am doing is enough and what she likes/wants? Is anyone so self-assured? I guess I'm doing okay so far. I feel like she likes me, but the longer I spend away from her the more I start to question myself. I wonder why that is.
She makes me smile though, spontaneously throughout the day. I think back to all the million stupid things I say around that girl and I am amazed that she keeps coming back to me. I am just a fool to the max around her. She does this thing where I'll say something completely embarrassing and ridiculous, then I'll call myself out on it and ask her to say something so I can stop talking and she'll just give me this look like 'oh no, keep going, this is just getting good' so of course I can't stop and i just keep digging in deeper and deeper. Haha it's making me chuckle as I type this. I guess it's charming in some ways. But if I could just be cool for a day around her that'd be nice.
We're going to a baseball game on Sunday; box seats behind home plate (haha, i said box). She invited me. :) Maybe I'll play it cool then. Or maybe not and I won't need to, cuz that's what she likes about me. Hmm, interesting concept...
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Patience pays...in progress :)
Ahh has it really been a week since I last posted something? I'm so sorry to keep you out of the loop! A lot has happened in 7 days. Where should I start? How about last Monday.
I was chatting with O.C. online last Monday on my lunch break (not during work hours of course...) and i forget exactly how or why it came up but she said she led a pretty boring life and wished it was more exciting. So i took this as an opportunity to suggest that i help make it more exciting and we hang out. (My friends keep telling me to play the game and let her come to me and all that crap but I refuse to play by these silly rules. I do what i want! This time it worked.) So we made plans to grab some dinner Tuesday after I got off work. I'm trying to think when the last time I saw her was... the concert maybe? I can't remember, is that bad? I think it was. Anyway, as always, I was excited to see her. I picked her up around 7:45ish, after my late meeting was over. She must think I'm the biggest goof ever, because as soon as i get around her I act like a damn fool. I'm not saying I'm super cool any other time, but it's like, around her I forget all appropriate/cool things to say and do and only say and do stupid and senseless shit. Thank God she finds it charming (she told me so once or twice), otherwise it'd just be embarrassing.
We got to the place for dinner and some dranks around 8, and once again, sat and talked for hours. I'm really amazed at our ability to hang out for these long stretches of time. We have never had a short date. The shortest was the concert, and that was under special circumstances. Anyways, our conversation this time was different. I've been afraid to really open up to her about super personal stuff because I like her so much, I don't want to scare her off with some of the things I've been through. I know that sounds kinda stupid, but you don't know the stories i could tell, haha. I don't know why but I opened up to her that night, a lot. I told her one of the most personal experiences I've been through, and as I was telling her, I kept half laughing and saying. "I don't even know why I'm telling you this." I do that kinda stuff a lot when I get nervous. She was very attentive as I told the story. I could tell she was really listening and trying to understand. It was like, we weren't talking about the frilly stuff anymore. I was putting myself out there, completely vulnerable and I think she appreciated that. In fact, I know she did, because it made her comfortable enough to open up to me.
It's so interesting to me to meet people who are different from myself. I've always been an open book about a lot of things and I take a lot of risks and probably let too many people in, hence all the ridiculous stories i could tell. But for as open as I may seem, I'm very careful to let people get too close. They only reach a certain point. O.C. is a very private person. She doesn't offer up her life story or tell you all the details of her life. She's guarded, so when she finally does open up it's a big deal. She told me she's been more open with me than she has been with anyone else she's met in a long time. That's a big deal to me. I'm so happy and honored that she feels comfortable with me and is beginning to trust me. Trust isn't something to throw around, but I'm glad the possibility for that between us is there.
After we shut the place down, we drove back to her house where I assumed I'd be dropping her off. I parked in front of her place and we just kinda sat and talked little silly banter for a bit. I decdied to turn my car off at that point and said something like 'don't want to waste all my gas' or whatever and she said "actually i was hoping it'd just die all together". Haha ok it wasn't that exact quote but something along those lines where I knew she wanted me to stay with her. She then said I could come in if I wanted. Now, I work a full time job and had to be in the next day at 8:30 and it was 2am then, but when the girl you are crushing on invites you in after an awesome night, damn it you go in! Hah and i did. I realize if I had more game, it probably wouldn't have taken me 2 more hours before I kissed her, but I don't have more game so deal with it! haha We watched Chelsea Lately (hilarious, love her) til 4 and I finally said "Well, it's 4am...I should probably get home so I can... get ready for work, ha" and she made another comment alluding to me not leaving but we made our way to the front door anyway. I lingered like my totally un-suave self for a sec, and I do believe I even said "ok..I'm gonna leave now...here i go..." hahah I'm such a dork. And then I grew some ovaries and leaned in and kissed her. And man, do I like kissing her! I hadn't kissed her like that since our first date. And it was even better this time. We kissed in her front door way for a good 15 minutes. We stopped only briefly for her to say "you don't want to go home" to which i said, you're right, I don't. And then she invited me to stay over for the last few hours til I had to leave for work. It probably wasn't the most responsible choice, or practical, but like I said, you don't say no when these opportunities present themselves. You only say yes. And i did.
We didn't do anything more than kissing. One thing I really respect about her is how slow we are taking things. Honestly, that's not sarcasm. The thing is, I've never done things the right way. I've never played by the rules. I always jump the gun and do things out of order. I am so excited to do things at a slower pace. It makes me want her more and I know if we ever do take it there, it's going to be that much more amazing. I'm excited to wait for her. This is a new feeling for me. I like it. We fell asleep together and it was pretty damn cute. I loved every second of it. I forgot what it feels like to have that closeness with someone because it's so seldom a part of my life. I learn to deal without it, but having it is amazing. I just want to hold her, and kiss her forehead and trace her face and hands with my fingertips. As it turns out, I'm quite the sap.
Later that day, she texted me asking if I wanted to spend the night again that night. :) Yay, she does like me! Haha that's what i thought when I read that. I doubt myself a lot, i need signs to let me know she's still interested. This was a good one. Anyway, we ended up hanging out Thursday instead and she actually came with me to an open mic. I really wanted her to see me sing and i don't have any shows coming up so I thought it'd be an ideal way. I was of course a little bit nervous but mostly excited. And to my own surprise, I didn't mess up at all. I played all 3 songs the way they were supposed to go. No lyric slip ups or guitar woes. I done good! And i think she was impressed. After that, we went back to her place, got in our PJs and snuggled. Haha how gay are we? Whatever, everyone likes to cuddle, I don't care what they say!
I'm really excited for where this is going. I like her a lot. She makes me laugh, in a smart and clever way. She's witty and sarcastic as hell (soo sexy!). She's also very modest and I'm fairly certain she has no idea how beautiful she is. I like when she smiles. It makes me smile. I'm not getting ahead of myself either. There is no U-Haul in our future. I just like where this is going. She has the next couple days off from work, so hopefully we'll hang out at least once. Fingers crossed.
Ok, I have more to cover, but I'll do it in another post, so as not to write a book for this one. But yay for progress!
I was chatting with O.C. online last Monday on my lunch break (not during work hours of course...) and i forget exactly how or why it came up but she said she led a pretty boring life and wished it was more exciting. So i took this as an opportunity to suggest that i help make it more exciting and we hang out. (My friends keep telling me to play the game and let her come to me and all that crap but I refuse to play by these silly rules. I do what i want! This time it worked.) So we made plans to grab some dinner Tuesday after I got off work. I'm trying to think when the last time I saw her was... the concert maybe? I can't remember, is that bad? I think it was. Anyway, as always, I was excited to see her. I picked her up around 7:45ish, after my late meeting was over. She must think I'm the biggest goof ever, because as soon as i get around her I act like a damn fool. I'm not saying I'm super cool any other time, but it's like, around her I forget all appropriate/cool things to say and do and only say and do stupid and senseless shit. Thank God she finds it charming (she told me so once or twice), otherwise it'd just be embarrassing.
We got to the place for dinner and some dranks around 8, and once again, sat and talked for hours. I'm really amazed at our ability to hang out for these long stretches of time. We have never had a short date. The shortest was the concert, and that was under special circumstances. Anyways, our conversation this time was different. I've been afraid to really open up to her about super personal stuff because I like her so much, I don't want to scare her off with some of the things I've been through. I know that sounds kinda stupid, but you don't know the stories i could tell, haha. I don't know why but I opened up to her that night, a lot. I told her one of the most personal experiences I've been through, and as I was telling her, I kept half laughing and saying. "I don't even know why I'm telling you this." I do that kinda stuff a lot when I get nervous. She was very attentive as I told the story. I could tell she was really listening and trying to understand. It was like, we weren't talking about the frilly stuff anymore. I was putting myself out there, completely vulnerable and I think she appreciated that. In fact, I know she did, because it made her comfortable enough to open up to me.
It's so interesting to me to meet people who are different from myself. I've always been an open book about a lot of things and I take a lot of risks and probably let too many people in, hence all the ridiculous stories i could tell. But for as open as I may seem, I'm very careful to let people get too close. They only reach a certain point. O.C. is a very private person. She doesn't offer up her life story or tell you all the details of her life. She's guarded, so when she finally does open up it's a big deal. She told me she's been more open with me than she has been with anyone else she's met in a long time. That's a big deal to me. I'm so happy and honored that she feels comfortable with me and is beginning to trust me. Trust isn't something to throw around, but I'm glad the possibility for that between us is there.
After we shut the place down, we drove back to her house where I assumed I'd be dropping her off. I parked in front of her place and we just kinda sat and talked little silly banter for a bit. I decdied to turn my car off at that point and said something like 'don't want to waste all my gas' or whatever and she said "actually i was hoping it'd just die all together". Haha ok it wasn't that exact quote but something along those lines where I knew she wanted me to stay with her. She then said I could come in if I wanted. Now, I work a full time job and had to be in the next day at 8:30 and it was 2am then, but when the girl you are crushing on invites you in after an awesome night, damn it you go in! Hah and i did. I realize if I had more game, it probably wouldn't have taken me 2 more hours before I kissed her, but I don't have more game so deal with it! haha We watched Chelsea Lately (hilarious, love her) til 4 and I finally said "Well, it's 4am...I should probably get home so I can... get ready for work, ha" and she made another comment alluding to me not leaving but we made our way to the front door anyway. I lingered like my totally un-suave self for a sec, and I do believe I even said "ok..I'm gonna leave now...here i go..." hahah I'm such a dork. And then I grew some ovaries and leaned in and kissed her. And man, do I like kissing her! I hadn't kissed her like that since our first date. And it was even better this time. We kissed in her front door way for a good 15 minutes. We stopped only briefly for her to say "you don't want to go home" to which i said, you're right, I don't. And then she invited me to stay over for the last few hours til I had to leave for work. It probably wasn't the most responsible choice, or practical, but like I said, you don't say no when these opportunities present themselves. You only say yes. And i did.
We didn't do anything more than kissing. One thing I really respect about her is how slow we are taking things. Honestly, that's not sarcasm. The thing is, I've never done things the right way. I've never played by the rules. I always jump the gun and do things out of order. I am so excited to do things at a slower pace. It makes me want her more and I know if we ever do take it there, it's going to be that much more amazing. I'm excited to wait for her. This is a new feeling for me. I like it. We fell asleep together and it was pretty damn cute. I loved every second of it. I forgot what it feels like to have that closeness with someone because it's so seldom a part of my life. I learn to deal without it, but having it is amazing. I just want to hold her, and kiss her forehead and trace her face and hands with my fingertips. As it turns out, I'm quite the sap.
Later that day, she texted me asking if I wanted to spend the night again that night. :) Yay, she does like me! Haha that's what i thought when I read that. I doubt myself a lot, i need signs to let me know she's still interested. This was a good one. Anyway, we ended up hanging out Thursday instead and she actually came with me to an open mic. I really wanted her to see me sing and i don't have any shows coming up so I thought it'd be an ideal way. I was of course a little bit nervous but mostly excited. And to my own surprise, I didn't mess up at all. I played all 3 songs the way they were supposed to go. No lyric slip ups or guitar woes. I done good! And i think she was impressed. After that, we went back to her place, got in our PJs and snuggled. Haha how gay are we? Whatever, everyone likes to cuddle, I don't care what they say!
I'm really excited for where this is going. I like her a lot. She makes me laugh, in a smart and clever way. She's witty and sarcastic as hell (soo sexy!). She's also very modest and I'm fairly certain she has no idea how beautiful she is. I like when she smiles. It makes me smile. I'm not getting ahead of myself either. There is no U-Haul in our future. I just like where this is going. She has the next couple days off from work, so hopefully we'll hang out at least once. Fingers crossed.
Ok, I have more to cover, but I'll do it in another post, so as not to write a book for this one. But yay for progress!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Dear Natalie,
After 5 (going on 6) glasses of wine, and a shitty holiday experience (thanks to my dysfunctional family), i started thinking about natalie and decided to write her a letter. Luckily, due to my tiny bit of good sense that i have left, i decided not to send it but to post it on here instead. It's still a release, but this way i don't have to regret it tomorrow. So here it is.
i have nothing to say to you. But i can't stop thinking about you lately and it's pissing me off. I don't want to hear anything you have to say. it doesn't matter. But i'm on the verge of caring again and I don't know why. I don't want to give a shit. Why should I? Everything we had has been for nothing. I don't want to be with you again. I don't want to be a fucking secret, I deserve more. But to brush you off as a fluke isn't okay with me either. I refuse to believe that my first time at love was a lie. It was fucked up. It was doomed from the start. But I'll be damned if it wasn't real.Sometimes I really hate being so emotional. Whatever, time to finish my wine. Happy Easter, ha.
I don't get close to people. I don't think you understand that. I have a strict pattern that i've followed for years. I lead a detached life. And then I met you. You are the first person that i clung to. I warned you how serious this was to me, let you close, letting you in. You said you understood and then you went and fucking broke me. I'm so mad at you. You hurt me. I never wanted anything from you except love. And I didn't get it. Instead I got this broken heart, and I'm so mad at you for that.
There is no way for me to explain to you or anyone else the feelings I have right now. I hate you but I don't. I love you but I don't. I miss you but I don't. I'm a walking contradiction when it comes to you. But at the end of the day, i still care. I still hurt. I'm moving on from you, don't get me wrong. Since i cut you out of my life for good, my days have been much easier. This heartbreak has been much more bearable. But i knew it would catch up. And here we are.
You know what i wish? I wish we never had anything at all. Because falling in love with you has been the most destructive and pointless thing to happen to me in a while. You were never there for me like I needed. You showed me just enough for me to trust and get excited about the possibility of happiness... and then you took it all away. I don't understand your purpose in my life anymore. I wish you would fucking disappear from my mind.
And at the same time, I just wish I knew you were going to be okay. Fuck me and all these damn contradictions. Just fuck.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Things that ammuse me and other randomness
I'm about to eat a double-stuffed Oreo, and I am real excited about it. I think I've had maybe three total in my life. My mom never bought the double stuffed ones, which is probably why I avoided childhood obesity. So thanks, Mom, I guess. But now I'm an adult (if not mentally, at least technically) and I do what I want. And what I want is a double-stuffed Oreo.
Here's something fun. There is a judge running for reappointment in my county with the best bilboard ever. If I had her name and her power, I'd make a similar billboard. In fact, if I just had a little more money, I might just make one for myself just because! But it'd have to be after I was out completely. And here is why. So on the right hand side is her picture and to the left of that in small block letters its says 'Judge' and then her first and middle name. Then, below that...in GIANT BLOCK LETTERS...it says..DYKE! Now, I know I am more immature than most people, but seeing DYKE that big on a billboard as you are driving is just plain funny! I don't care who you are. Haha I wonder if she'll rule for or against gay marriage? Ah, yes, here she is in her natural habitat of awkward smiles and scribing in her giant law book. I feel like her pen should have a feather on it.
Ok moving on. So I played at my favorite local open mic night on Tuesday. I've been going there for over a year, know the owners and most of the regulars who play or just go to listen. But the other night, there were some out of towners in the crowd. And I only noticed them for one reason, and one reason only. They were clearly lesbians. Haha, is that wrong? I can't help it. I always notice the gays. They of course had no idea we play for the same team, because not only do I look straight, but I was there with my guy friend who is ALWAYS being mistaken as my bf. What a twat block he is! Annnyway, so I played first and for my first two songs the one less gay but still fairly gay looking girl was really attentive and as far as i could tell, enjoying my music. While the more butch-y one was kinda paying attention, kinda laughing, and kinda not listening at all. When it was time to play my last song, which I often introduce as "the transvestite song" I knew two things would happen. One, Butchy would be on high-alert and two, she would not be laughing. The funny thing to me is she thinks I'm just being some close-minded straight asshole, mocking transgendered people, when in fact I'm being a gay asshole, making fun of women with penises. There is a difference! And shit's funny, get over it. So I play, and the whole bar is laughing and enjoying it, even Less Gay Girl likes it. But Butchy, she looks concerned. (Side note: I went to open mic at the local gay bar a few times a year ago and I played this song and got the same response, except this time the whole crowd seemed unamused and pissed at me). By the end of my song, I say how I like my tranny friend and I think she's kinda cute.So it's not like I am saying how weird it is or judging anyone. But whatever. So I finished my set and sat down, waiting to hear them play. Butchy played first, and she was good. I liked her sound and she plays guitar really well. When it was time for her last song, she looked over at me and said "This is my response to Bobbi. And by the way, it's transgendered, not transvestite. But at least you called her a she." She was smiling when she said this, so I felt better about it, not that I was worried. But she ended up singing a serious song about what I'm assuming was herself. But maybe not. Maybe just about someone she knows who's transitioning. It was a pretty song and I'm fairly sure went over most of the middle aged men's heads in the crowd. But after she played I went up to her and told her I liked her songs. And she told me she was a little nervous about my song Bobbi at first, but that she liked that it ended well. Ha! Seeee, I told you I'm not the asshole you thought I was! It's tough being gay without looking gay. People just assume so much about me. And there's no real non-awkward way to say "No, it's cool, I like box too." Maybe I should get that billboard...
Speaking of all things gay, I saw Tegan and Sara in concert recently. I heart them. I know, I know, how lesbian and unoriginal of me. I'll be honest, I started listening to them because one of my gay friends told me about them, but that's not why I like them. (I don't care for Ani DiFranco too much, or Melissa Ethridge and they are gay.) I like T&S because they have awesome, different songs and also because they are really funny and engaging on stage. They connect with their audiences and I like that. I walk away feeling like I know them a little bit and that's cool. That's what I hope for in my own shows. Of course, I actually do know most of my audiences at this point. But maybe one day when I'm famous that will change.
Sometimes I wonder if I would want to be out as a musician. Like, Tegan & Sara are known for being the lesbian girl rockers, and they have a huge following because of it. But it also defines them for the most part and probably limits their audience reach. I guess for now it's not really an issue because I'm not even out to my mom, let alone the whole world. But it is something I think about a lot. It's also an issue for my songwriting. I have a couple songs I've written about girls that I can't sing because I say "she" and "her" and well... that might just give me away. I'm starting to care less, but it's a process. Like everything else in my life.
Wow, I wrote a lot. And I'm still at work. Haha, that's okay I got a lot done today! I'm going back to open mic again tonight. Maybe I'll meet some more lezzies with LGBT lessons for me. Here's for hoping! Oh yeah and....HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY! (Suddenly, I feel incredibly tempted to drop the gay bomb on my dad...hahaha, but i won't).
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