Guess what!

I know, I know. It's been a while. I won't even apologize. That's old by now. I decided it's probably good to do an update when something major has happened. So, I am still with O.C. and we are still happy. Boring, right? Actually, for me it's not boring, it's fantastic. But it's nothing new, which I guess is boring, technically. Anyway, I'm rambling. So here are the updates:

O.C. and I are engaged!

It deserves its own line. I had a pretty sweet plan so if she said no it would've been a huge buzz-kill, although I was pretty confident. So as you know blog, I met O.C. on a blind date at a trendy restaurant in a city close to us (it's so weird talking in code since I've been out for the most part the last couple years). And every year on the anniversary of the day we met and had an amazing first date, we go back and sit in the same two seats at the bar to celebrate. It seemed obvious then that I would propose at this place on this day. I contacted the owner, told him my plan and he was totally on board to make whatever accommodations I needed. By the end of it all, he reserved the seats for us, created her her own sandwich for that night based on her favorite foods and then had their own local artist (who does all the menus and other artwork) create a poster drawing of O.C. and I sitting at the bar with said sandwich smiling and at the top it said "Let's keep this honeymoon going. Will you marry me? Feb. 27, 2014". It was AMAZING!! And it got me a "yes" so I am happy. 

The next day we drove down to visit one of my very best friends for the weekend to celebrate my birthday and our new engagement only to find out she planned a surprise engagement/birthday party for me/us! It was super cute. It was a really fun weekend and it made me so thankful to be surrounded by such great people. I have always been very lucky in that respect. Sadly, however, the day we got back from our mini vaca, O.C. was unloading my guitar from the back of the car and she slipped on the snowy curb and broke her ankle. She just went back to work after 2 months of being out!! And she still might need surgery. I like to joke it's a good thing she said yes, otherwise she'd have been screwed and helpless without me. Even if she broke my heart I'd probably still help her until she was better. Because I like the pain, historically speaking.

Speaking historically of people who brought me pain, I haven't contacted Natalie in over a year. I barely check in on her anymore. Curiosity will always be there. Plus the fact that I know she puts her entire life online draws in my curiosity even more sometimes. She moved to New York City. Brooklyn to be specific. From Portland, OR. She went from the biggest hipster city in the country to the 2nd biggest hipster city. And she is a giant hipster. She wasn't when I knew her, but I guess I could have seen it coming. She left her wife. Did I ever mention that? It's been over a year I think. It's hard to say since I don't stalk her regularly. I have an aunt who lives in Brooklyn, and I'm going to be visiting her for 2 days in the last week of May. O.C. will not be going. I'll be with my sister though. Part of me is super tempted to show up at the hipster coffee shop where she works and see if she's there. I know this makes O.C. uncomfortable, but the last time I saw Natalie, it was so tragic and pathetic. And I don't feel that way about her at all anymore. I guess it's mostly just curiosity again and I would love to see her face when I walk in. It would most likely be incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. But when else would I see her? Maybe that's the point though. Why do I need to see her again? I don't like things being unfinished or unresolved. But I don't know if this is unresolved. It'll be 5 years in September that I met her, and 3 months after that that I saw her for the last time. I dunno. I won't do it if O.C. doesn't want me to. Maybe I'll email her. No, that seems like a dumb idea even as I type it. Maybe I'll just leave it alone all together. That approach has given the best results for me. 

Okay well those are the updates. See ya in a year, haha!

Lucky Me

I can't believe I started this blog over three years ago. I feel so lucky. There are relationships falling apart around me everyday. People I care about who I thought would last. Others who I don't know very well. Ending. Just like that. O.C. says it makes her nervous. But not me. It makes me so thankful for the security and stability I have in my own relationship. If I can say anything about the secret to a strong and healthy relationship it is COMMUNICATION. Not just romantic ones, but in this case yes, specifically romantic ones. Be honest and open. If you are afraid to be open and honest with the person you are with, then maybe they are not the partner for you. That's my best advice. Now go forth and find love!!

3 YEARS!

Tomorrow is my 3-year anniversary with O.C. Can you believe it? It's crazy fantastic and better than I ever could have imagined love to be. She is the same amazing person I fell in love with three years ago with only positive changes. Seriously. I wouldn't be able to keep up a lie like this for so long. She's actually that amazing.

I'm finally writing her a song about how we met and fell in love. Almost as unbelievable as being so lucky to have her in my life is that I haven't done this yet. I have so many songs about Natalie (who btw was a complete dick to me in my dream last night and I woke up completely turned off by all things her this morning haha. I'm so over that!) and yet none to document the best thing to ever happen to me. I have a gig tomorrow on our actual anniversary, which I know she was a little bummed about. What she doesn't know is that I'm going to perform (as long as I finish it) my song for her on stage. It's kind of a huge deal but it's been a long time coming. I'm literally writing it right now. Well, literally, I'm writing my blog but after this short break it's back to the creative writing board. She tells me she doesn't need a song but that's just her being super supportive and selfless. The girl needs a song! And hopefully tomorrow, in front of lots of people (talk about progress) she will get one. Maybe I'll post it on here when it's done.

3 Years Late

It's been six months exactly since I last posted. I feel compelled to tell a twist of a story that is not my own. I tried to make it my own just over three years ago, and caused myself and other a lot of heartache. It was never about me. It was never supposed to be anyway. When you cross the line from friend to something more with another person who is already in a committed relationship, you become someone else. Not just a lover. Or an adulterer. You became innately selfish. You forget that you are taking what is not yours. It becomes yours in your mind. You play a victim when really you are the one causing the harm.

It has taken me a long time to accept that being the other woman is not a guilt free job. It's not an less my fault that I am helping someone cheat. That being said, these last few weeks I have become painfully aware of the heart ache felt by the woman who has been betrayed. And I feel truly sad for her. Not guilty, although I am. But that is a separate feeling. I feel sad that she gave everything to someone and got broken in return. I realize that not all relationships are meant to be and some people don't belong together. But that doesn't justify and certainly does not minimize the blow.

Natalie left her wife. They are divorced. I don't know the details. I haven't spoken to her in months, and certainly not about her personal life. She lives a very public life on the internet, as does her now ex-wife. I know both of their tumblr pages by heart from the days of my affair. And as time started to pass, I would check it less and less. But every six months or so, I peek in. Curiosity, mostly. Not longing. Not anymore. Not for a very long time. I think a part of me will always care, maybe. Maybe not. But I suspect I will always be curious. John Mayer says in a song, "There's no substitute for time." I love that. It's painfully true, pun intended. But eventually, it's not--painful. It's just a memory of something that made you feel everything; good, bad and ugly. I am feeling something new though. Remorse without anything attached to it. No excuses. No rationalizations. This woman is heart broken.

I'm reading her tumblr page. It's filled with poetry about each day getting worse, a constant flow of tears, coming home to an empty house and knowing it's not going to change. It is raw. It is so real. It's fucking terrible. I thought I was entitled to love Natalie because she wasn't happy at home. And I was mad when she did not abandon her marriage and pick our love over her commitment. I was mad at her. I was so sad that she didn't love me enough. I see now, fully, how inappropriate my presence in that story was. Imagine, just imagine how I would feel years later (if it took me as long to realize then what I am realizing now) if I was responsible for ending their relationship. Imagine. I can't even. How selfish and unfair of me to complain about my feelings when I was disregarding an entire marriage for my own happiness.

I can't undo the past. But I wish there was a way for me to help this woman. There's not. And it's partly selfish of me to want this because I am trying to make better what I contributed to, the ending of a relationship. She does not need to hear from me. I don't even think she understands to what extent my relationship with Natalie was. I just feel for her. My pain three years ago was absolutely real. But it's nothing compared to what she is going through now. I truly hope that Natalie left because she wasn't happy and not because she repeated history. While I feel horrible for Mary Ellen, if Natalie didn't reciprocate her love then leaving is justified and what she needed to do. But if she left because she jumped the gun and let her eyes and heart and hands wander, then I feel doubly sad for her wife. It's not fair to give everything and receive so much less in return.

I realize we all do things we are not proud of and as we get older we learn from our mistakes. Sometimes it takes more chances and many more years than you ever would have thought. Sometimes you never learn. I am thankful that I see the part I played and how detrimental it was to everyone involved. I wish it didn't take three years and another woman's severely broken heart on her sleeve for me to get there. Perspective and time are powerful things.

For the record, Natalie has not contacted me at all since the split. And I haven't made any attempt to contact her. I just don't think there's a point. I truly hope Mary Ellen finds the happiness she deserves. And learns to love and trust again. It's the big heartbreaks that make the love to follow so much sweeter. I would know. 

Coming out...of hiding

I haven't posted in a while. I've thought about it. How I just fell off the face of the blogging earth. But I started to feel like every month I was saying the same thing. Life is good. I need to get motivated. I love my girlfriend.

In fact, all of those things still apply. But I've been feeling in the mood to write lately and i've been feeling pent up with words as well. I started writing a story I've been working on since around 2008. It's a true story about what happened to me from age 15 til 20 with a man I met on the internet. I think I might have mentioned this experience in a post once before. It's not exactly something you shout from the rooftops, although I've never been too shy about telling people my personal stories.

I've been afraid to finish the story. It means having to face everything that happened again. I put myself though such suffering after everything happened. With this man, and again four years later with the police. It was such a mind fuck, to put it frankly. I'm through the worst, I think, but it still messes with me to go back to that mind set and read old journal entries of that struggle. So far my story is 11 pages double spaced on Word. I'm only half way through the story. I'm guessing it will be double that by the time I finish, maybe more. I plan to send it in to Seventeen Magazine for publication, and others too. Hopefully someone will see a need in sharing my story. It's a pretty big problem. Men preying on underaged girls through the internet. Dateline did that ongoing series, "To Catch A Predator" a few years back. They even put out a book, which I highly recommend reading. It's sad, but true. Anyway, I always wanted to do more. The reason I went through with reporting this guy to police is so that I could save other girls from going through what I went through. But I haven't done much since my day is court to ensure he isn't hurting more girls.

Within the last year I found out he lives in the same state as me again, very close to the town where he lived when I met him. That puts him about 45 minutes to an hour away from me at all times. Kind of a chilling thought. And he's become super religious. That really pisses me off. It makes me sick knowing the kind of person he is, and seeing how he presents himself to the rest of the unknowing world. He is the Executive Director of this non-profit that sits outside of abortion clinics and provides ultra-sounds for pregnant women who are thinking of having abortions. He's trying to "save" the unborn by getting girls and women to get in his giant van and watch them while he rubs jelly on their stomachs and tells them how their rape baby is a gift. Awesome.

He's not a good person. He has two children. He already had a daughter when he met me online at 15. Gross. It just makes me sad and scared for the rest of the world.

I've thought about whether I should use a pen name when I finally get my story published. When I was younger I thought absolutely not. Why hide? Isn't that what he wants? For me to hide and never tell this story? I wanted to be on Oprah and I wanted to change the world. As I get older though, I realize that not everyone will see this like I do. Not everyone will see me as a victim, and people will form their own opinions as to what they think happened and whose fault it was. And it really frustrates me to think that when people find out that I have a girlfriend and don't like men that it will be because I was molested as a teenager. I hate that there has to be a reason to be gay. There must be a history of abuse, or something that caused me to not like men anymore. I don't like the assumption aspect of it all. But I guess in the end it really doesn't matter what other people think. I am who I am and I have a story to tell. And no one is going to keep me from telling it.

Grrr

So I have this really annoying thing called writer's block. It's amazing I can even write a blog entry. I sat in my room yesterday for 3 hours trying to write even one verse to a song. Instead, I wrote nothing but scribbles on a page and left the room pissed off. I have about 10 different ideas for songs, but can't seem to get any of them out. I don't know exactly what's causing it, but I have my suspicions that Natalie is behind it. Half of my ideas for songs are about her. Don't take that the wrong way though. It's not a result of needing or missing her. I just wasn't done telling her off. And I felt like it was unfair to O.C. for me to keep writing about Natalie when I was clearly over her and in a happy relationship. I haven't been able to write a song about how in love with her I am either. She says she doesn't mind and doesn't need a song, but that's her just being supportive and cute. If your girlfriend wrote songs for a living, you'd want at least one about your love wouldn't you?

So I tried going through old blogs that Natalie and I wrote back and forth to each other. They were depressing and a bit pathetic. I was really in deep. So far that i couldn't see how desperate I was. That's not love. I was chasing her, knowing full well that she wasn't available. She knew it and let me. I knew it and let myself. It was a lose-lose from the start. It's a shame really that I have to keep talking about this, too. You're probably all reading this thinking 'get over it!' I feel that way a lot too. I feel like emotionally I am over her though, just not creatively. And it's sad to say, but angry and sad songs are much easier to write than happy ones. If I can just get one last song about her out, I think I could be done with it for good and move onto more experiences. It's very frustrating not being able to do the thing you feel like you were put on this earth to do. I have to write a personalized song for a wedding that I am in on Sept. 3 so I better get over this soon and on that one stat! I know that writer's block is just a state of mind and I have to push through. But it's been going on for nearly a year now, so breaking the habit of assuming my craft is broken is harder than you might think.

I'll keep you posted on my progress.

Time is of the Essence

Time. Where does it ever go? I never have time to do the things I need or want. But that can't be entirely true, because I don't even work full time every week. Having a puppy has really changed my life priorities, in an immediate sense. For example, sleeping in is no longer a priority. Feeding the dog at 7am is. Not just the puppy either. Life in general is getting in the way of my life. Ha, what a concept. For example, practicing guitar is less of a priority. Working and running my own open mic every week is. Don't get me wrong. I love my puppy and I like my job, but I feel like I'm always letting time and opportunity slip away from me.

As I sit here on the couch in my living room, watching my puppy thrash around chewing what once was my slipper, and typing this blog, I can't help but reflect on my long list of things to do. I absolutely, as soon as possible, need to cash deposit several checks, check on bills that are/will be due soon, edit a video for youtube, write a song for a wedding in september, check on my benefits for work, schedule an appointment with my therapist who I haven't seen in months, clean the house before O.C. gets home from school and finds I've done nothing to help out, email my best friend who is overseas, call other friends who left me messages days ago, and shower before work.

Life can be so daunting sometimes. Lately, I've been having an embarrassment issue. Let me explain. I keep finding myself having to explain where I work and why. I went to college, I did the office job thing for a while and I didn't like it. I felt out of place and awkward. I was unhappy. Now, I work in a coffee shop, making less than I should but I like what I do and the people I work with. I'm happy. Somehow though, i still find myself embarrassed when people ask me what I do. It's not like I'll be doing this forever. It's not like I'm settling. But I see people I know, or even strangers who ask what I do, I find myself explaining why I am there. "Oh, I'm not working anywhere important", or "I'm a musician trying to follow my dreams, that's why I'm here." Maybe both of those things are true, but as long as I know that, why should I care what anyone else thinks? It's annoying. The most annoying part is I'm not really going after my dreams. Not the way I need to be. I'm lazy about it. I don't book myself, I don't promote myself enough. I don't have merchandise. I've been putting off recording a CD for over a year now. I'm just kinda here, in neutral, doing my own thing. That's not how you make it. That's how you work in coffee your whole life and your dreams stay just that.

I don't know, I guess I just need to stop talking and do something. But I don't feel the motivation or the fire in me to go after it. But it's all I've ever wanted to do once I realized I could do it. I need to make a decision. Shit or get off the pot, so to speak. At the vrey least, I need to do my to-do list for today!

How Do I Still Have Boy Troubles?

I have a little problem. The only reason it's not a big problem is because the subject is leaving for a year in about 2 weeks. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

My issue is this. His name is Alan. He is a 20-something single guy that comes into the coffee shop where I work. He's funny, friendly, and yes, flirty. I'd like to think I'm the first two back, and try to not be the 3rd but fear I might be leading him on. We've hung out a couple of times outside of where I work, but it's been very friendship based, i think. Our dogs have had a play date and we've done lunch once, but O.C. was there too. He doesn't know about my status and I don't know if I feel like telling him. But his texts are getting flirtier and I can just tell it's going no where good. The thing is, he hasn't come right out and said "I like you" so to tell him straight-forward, "I know you like me but I just want to be friends" would not only be presumptuous but incredibly awkward. I don't want to stop talking to him all together, because he's an interesting guy and I really like being his friend. But I feel like it's not fair to him, and O.C. and to me to act like nothing is happening.

He's leaving to go overseas in August. Says he'll be gone for a year. I don't want to give him the impression they'll be someone waiting for him when he gets back. I also don't want O.C. to have to worry about this. I'm not interested in being more than his friend but I don't feel like outing myself, and inevitably O.C. too.  I wish there was a quick-fix way to make everything fall into place. My plan for now is to just play it cool and watch what I say around him. It's tough because I'm a pretty outgoing person. But it's better than sending the wrong message and getting a response I can't deal with.

In other news, I've had writer's block for almost a year now. That's a tough place to be when you make promises that involve writing to people who are depending on you. I know I should just write everyday , whether it's quality or not and eventually something will come to me, but it's very stressful to not be good at something you've been pretty damn good at your whole life. Song-writing is what I want to do with my life. It's what I hope to pay the bills with one day. But I can't even seem to do it when it's on my time, and my terms.

I feel like I'm at the time in my life where I need to capitalize on things. On my life. I don't want to work in coffee forever, or go back to an office job where I hate my life for 9 hours of the day. I refuse to settle, but I can't seem to find the motivation and discipline to set myself up for the success I want. It's like I'm waiting for something to just fall out of the sky and jolt me into gear. I know that's not how it works.  Is this what a quarter life crisis feels like? I've made excuse my whole life for why I can't, or I didn't or I won't for whatever the issue is at the time. But excuses only prolong the reality that I'm the only one who can take me where I want to go. I know what I need to do, and that's stop stalling. I need to go for it. I need to try. Jack Johnson has this song, "Don't let you dreams, be dreams. All this living's not so hard as it seems." I need to get over it and just do it.

Man, I should write a book! Ha, ok, one dream at a time.

On a more positive note, there's a big concert and fundraiser that I help put together this weekend at my work. I'm one of 6 people performing, although I think I'm going to split my set with my very talented friend who gave up her spot when she thought she couldn't make it. I'm really excited about the people I have met because of the music I do. The community here is pretty cool. There are some creeps, and some a-holes, but for the most part there are some really talented, good-hearted people who want to share all the joys of music. Corny as it may be, I feel like these people have become my second family. They accept me for who I am, encourage me to believe in me because they do, and have shared some really important moments with me. Music has always been my go-to therapy when nothing else is going right. Now I have go-to people to share this with. Most of them will be playing at the benefit this Saturday and it really makes me feel blessed to have them all there. It's not a paying gig, and it's on a Saturday, which is prime paying-gig day and night. That says a lot, because all of these people are talented and hard-working enough to deserve to get paid. All life complaints aside, I'm really happy to be surrounded by such positive people. It makes those ups and downs and life complaints much easier to deal with.

Alright, that's my writing for the day. Time to walk the puppy!

We're A Family

So it's been over a month since I posted. I know, I know, I'm a bad blogger. But I have a legit excuse this time. Her name is Sophia. She's cute, but very needy and taking up all of my free time these days. No, I am not cheating on the love of my life. We got a puppy! A yellow lab, from the same breeder that gave me my last lab, Heidi, who died in January. Sophia, while very adorable, is a huge pain in my ass. She eats any and everything her little mouth can reach, including people. She is getting better about potty training, but still I don't trust her. And the worst part of all, she has me up by 7:30 every morning now. If I make it til 8, that's sleeping in. I miss the days of sleeping til noon, only feeding myself and knowing where my shoes are.

Honestly though, I only says these things out of exhaustion and frustration. I do in fact love my little puppy and I'm glad we got her. She is almost 12 weeks old, about 17 lbs and counting and the cutest pup you have ever seen. It gets her out of a lot of trouble, including eating cat poop. Which by the way, is disgusting. We're sitting on the porch right now. She's crewing a piece of mulch and I am finally able to post to you guys (well, more likely girls).

So I went from being trapped at home with my parents, to free and uninhibited with my girlfriend, and now free but fully committed to this puppy in a matter of a month. It's working out well. For once, our opposite schedules are helping out. The most Sophia has had to stay in her crate was like 4 hours. There was an adjustment period for both O.C. and I when we realized we'd be seeing much less of each other. I never realized how needy a puppy was going to be until I had one dependent on me. We can't leave her alone for two seconds, and if I'm at work that mean she can't come inside and visit me. No dogs allowed in coffee shops. We're adapting now. I'm also adapting to having no time to do anything else. Well, more like realizing I'll have to get creative. Like bringing my laptop outside and distracting Sophia with a ball so I can get some work done. It's tough being a parent. And at least mine is cute. Imagine if she were a human. She'd only grow needier and uglier. Haha, just kidding, kids can be cute too. But dogs are always adorable.

Well on that note, I need to go pay some bills and take the pup for a walk. Please enjoy the picture below of the cutest dog ever.

This is going to be quick but that's okay. Here are some updates. First, I'm set to move out of my parents and in with O.C. by next week. I bought the car from my parents (for a higher price than I thought necessary but whatever) and will be free from them soon! Not that I don't love my parents and appreciate all they do for me, but I'll surely go crazy if I don't get out on my own like now! 25 is too old for chores I've been doing since I was 13.

I'm excited to live with O.C. I think it will work out great. We have practically been living together for like 6 or 7 months anyway. I'm excited to have my own space And also amspace where we can be ourselves. We're thinking of having a little house warming once I get settled and all my stuff put away. But we can only invite people who know about us. That severly limits O.C.s list and a little bit of mine. It just makes me realize how stupid it is that I have to hide who I am and what our relationship is. But I guess that's life and society right now. Oh also, once I get settled we're planning on getting a puppy!! Yay puppies. Yellow, female, English lab puppy. WAit til you see pictures, cutesy puppy ever!

Alright that's all for now. I gotta get ready for work. Thanks for reading my blog and bearing with the inconsistent posting. Sorry in advance for the typos!

Losing It

I’ve been super stressed out lately and losing my patience very easily. It’s especially frustrating because I have prided myself on being “the most patient person I know” for years. I find myself snapping at people I care about that are only trying to help, losing my cool in stressful situations at work and generally just feeling flustered and annoyed. I don’t know what’s happening to me but I know I don’t like it. It’s not like I’m a smoker who’s craving a cigarette or something. And I’m not pms-ing. I feel like I need to have some sort of release.  Like taking a baseball bat to something breakable or having a really good cry. I have felt like there’s another good cry left in me my over my puppy, Heidi, who died in front of me back in January. It was as dramatic as it sounds. In fact, just thinking about it makes me choked up. 

I’m also pretty stressed out by my dad. I’m moving in with O.C. at the end of the month and I feel like even though I’m doing it to get away from his need to control everything, actually cutting that cord is proving to be harder than I thought. Then there’s the whole money issue and never having enough of it. I wish my 21yr old self could have seen the importance of saving then so my 25yr old self had a better savings account. Which brings me to my job and where I am compared to where I want to be. Don’t get me wrong, I like my job but it’s tough to pay all the bills I have and will be having soon on the hourly wage I’m making. But I don’t want to be trapped in another office job I hate. That proved to be detrimental to my spirit and mental health. I need to do something I can be good at and find happiness in. Forever, that answer has been music but I’m still holding myself back. Fear of failure is actually making me fail by never trying. What a concept. 

All these things are floating around in my head and I don't know how to get a grip on them. Why didn’t anyone warn me that growing up was going to be so hard? I don’t know what is going on but I know I need to figure it out soon before everything spins completely out of control. 

Although, I will say this. The one thing that isn't falling apart or in complete disarray in my mind is my relationship. For once, that is the most sound and healthy thing in my life. Thank God for O.C. And for good friends who help keep me in check and positive when I feel like I'm losing it. I just gotta push through this rough patch.

Thinking Out Loud

My eyes are burning tonight. I've gotten entirely too little sleep in the last 36 hours. I should probably be sleeping now, but down time seems fewer and farther between anymore so I am choosing to take this time to post instead. I want to get back into writing more than once a month. Helps de-clutter the mind and stuff.

This past weekend was me and O.C.'s 1-year anniversary. If I had all the money in the world, or even just a little more than I do now, I could have done something spectacular to take her breath away. Unfortunately, I have recently adopted a fairly strict (in my terms) budget that involves a lot less spending and a lot more saving. The good news is A. she doesn't expect me to drop money on her and understands that saving is key and B. is so cute she managed a perfect date for us on a very small budget. So the day was saved and the evening was amazing even though I am a poor, starving artist.  We ended up having a picnic by the lake and then went back to her place (soon to be our place) and watched a movie, split desert and exchanged cards and maybe a few kisses. It was cute, and perfect, and made me love her even more, if you can believe that.

I'm so thankful to have her in my life, especially now as I find myself faced with truly daunting feat: growing up. I keep reminding my parents, and often times myself it seems, that I am an adult. I am 25. Good God, when did I get so old? It's scary. No one ever said it'd be this hard.  Growing up, while it is better than the alternative, sucks sometimes. It really calms me to know that I don't have to go it alone though. I have a backbone, a shoulder to lean on and a friend I can count on no matter what the occasion and it's all in my girlfriend. She tells me that I calm her, and give her something to look forward to when the days are long an stressful. I hope she knows I feel the exact same about her.

Sometimes, when I think about the future, I really can't imagine a life without her. I know that sounds  like nothing new and super cliche. Just another honeymooner, young love rant that will fade with time. But I truly do love her with all of me and would never do anything to compromise this relationship and believe whole heartedly that she feels the same for me. I trust her more than I trust myself. That's a scary and kinda cool thing. Scary, because before I met her I was pretty set in stone about not believing in absolutes. Fearing them even. Now I'm saying things like forever, and never, and meaning them. I can't say for certain when that happened, but I feel like there is no going back. Not without a fight and a shit ton of heartbreak to go with it. Fingers crossed that it doesn't turn out that way. I've tried heartache, it's good for song-writing but crappy for just about everything else. I choose love. And this time, it chose me back.

Well, I think I am done thinking out loud for tonight. It's time to rest these ojos of mine so I can be functional for another busy day tomorrow! Hope all is well elsewhere in your worlds! Peace.

365 Days Later

So today is Earth Day. That's exciting. Not because I love trees and God's green earth. I mean, I do. I'm happy to be here, but this day is special for another reason. This day a year ago, I was about to become O.C.'s girlfriend. I kid her because when she thought we had already established our relatipnship, I was worried it might not happen in my favor. Ah, communication is a funny thing. Luckily, once I confronted the issues head on, it all became clear. We were going to give this commitment thing a try. And I must say, it's worked out swimmingly!

It's hard to believe it will be a year tomorrow (well, technically today, but we celebrate tomorrow because it was so cloes to midnight by the time I asked her to be my gf and plus, who wants to share their special day with another holiday?!). We've been through a lot in this year, but when I look back all I really focus on are the good things. That's a good sign right?

A friend of mine recently became aware of my blog and read it in it's entirety for the first time. He learned a lot about me that he didn't know, but one thing he said for sure that was crystal clear is that she makes me happy. Happier than I've ever been before. It's true. I can't imagine my life without her and have trouble remembering life before it. How dull and lonely it must have been. (Well, I don't know about dull. I may have managed to make my own excitement but I'll give you two guesses how it always turned out!)

So it' me and O.C.'s one year anniversary tomorrow and I have nothing planned. I've been racking my brain trying to think of something cute, fun, creative and cheap to do. Since I'm moving in with her at the end of May, I need to be saving as much money as I can. But I've come up blank as far as ideas. I feel like a failure. I pride myself on originality and creativity and I've got nothing to show for it. You'd think she'd have a song of hers by now, but she doesn't. I've tried writing it too, but nothing seems good enough. I feel bad. I want to show her how much I love her, not just say it. That doesn't make the day special. I tell her I love her like 20x a day anyways.

I had an idea about three days ago that I thought of doing originally like 6 months ago. Although I think it's better now because I have more to work with. But I thought it might be a cute idea to take all the entries about her from my blog and make it into a little book so she could have a chronicle of our relationship from start to now. I read her my blog once back in like July of last year maybe. She has known about it since like April, but says she feels guilty reading it because it's my personal diary. I can understand that. But if I make her her own copy with only the entries about her, maybe she won't feel so bad about it and can actually have fun with it.  I think it's a good idea that just came to me a few weeks too late. So maybe this can be her year and one month gift.

I'll let you know how it goes. I know she has something planned for me because my best friend nonchalantly may have hinted towards it and then I asked her. While she won't tell me what she's doing, she has admitted to be planning something. She's so cute. Can't wait to see what it is!

On that note, Happy Earth Day and thanks for reading!

Moving Forward

So my last post is making me laugh out loud. Why did I think it was going to be a good night taking my girlfriend to the strip club with me? Haha I live and I learn, right?

It's been a good week so far. Nothing too exciting has been happening. Sometimes, just having normalcy and routine is the best thing though. Soon, the normalcy and routine will be changing, because I plan to move in with O.C. at the end of May. I've practically been living there since the summer anyways, but now I won't have to drive 25 minutes south every time I want to change my clothes or get something from my room. Cuz it will be here, with her. I just feel like the time to get out and be on my own is now. My parents keep finding it necessary to remind me that I "don't have very high earning power" which maybe is their not as cute way of telling me they don't want me to leave. But it's time. I need to grow up.

So a big anniversary is coming up. Our year anniversary. Before O.C., I hadn't dated anyone longer than about 2 months. I hated the thought of being tied down to the same person for fear of boredom and feeling trapped. But everyday is better than the last with her. She has made the best year of my life possible, even if things went wrong all around me, and they did. But she somehow makes the bad seem less bad and the good so amazing. I can't decide what we should do to celebrate this momentous day. Should I surprise her? Should we plan something together? We're taking a roadtrip to KY to see Sara Bareilles the week before, so big travel plans are probably not the way to go. Plus I'm going with her St. Louis for her brother's Commissioning in the middle of may (he's going to be an Army Officer). So that's more money and traveling. We should do something around here.

I feel like one thing I could and should do is write her a song and perform it on our anniversary. I've been trying to put all of her amazing-ness into one song and make it clever and perfect but that's a tall order, even for me. Sometimes, the closer the story is, the harder it is to write it. But it's not a reflection of her. She has been and continues to be one of the greatest people I know and there's nothing I want more than to write her the perfect song to show her how much she means to me. Maybe I'll work on that today.

On that note, I think I'm going to take off for a bit. Thanks for reading, whoever you all are! :)

It's gonna be a good night

You know when you can just tell that the night is going to go right? Tonight is one of those nights. We've both been working a ton and her going to school, so we only see each other after long days. We've been waiting for this weekend to be here and it finally is.

So two big things are happening tonight. First, I am finally meeting her friends/classmates from the program she is in. Aside from family, I haven't really met anyone in her life. Mostly because they don't live around here. But her program is small enough that the people she goes to school with are becoming her group of friends. So tonight, we are meeting them out for drinks. I'm excited. They don't know we are in a relationship, but that isn't the important part. The important part is that I am being acknowledged by her other group of friends as someone important in her life. I am excited!

Second, and this one is a biggie, after food and drinks with classmates, we are going to a strip club. Me, O.C. and my ex-boyfriend are going in fact. It's a ritual for him to take me to the strip club for the last 3 years. This year, since I am in a relationship I invited O.C. She's not as gung-ho as I am, but she is willing. And we are all going together, awkward as it may be. I know she is not attracted to other women besides me (because she's told me, not because i'm a cocky asshole). I happen to find naked women sexy, but O.C. is the only one I want to be with and share my life with. I can keep those things very separate. I think it will be a fun experience that she wouldn't normally have ever had.  She's going because I asked her to and she is willing to do things that make me happy even if it's not her cup of tea.

We're both pretty good about that sort of thing. Great, actually. It's been 11 months, and we still have yet to have our first fight. People close to us keep assuring us it will happen, almost waiting for the day. But we don't have to fight for this to be a legit relationship. I don't buy the hype. We are considerate of each other even if we don't always see eye to eye. We talk things through, instead of exchanging hurtful or emotionally charged comments that we don't mean. It doesn't mean we still in our 'honeymoon stage'. It just means we're happy and healthy as a couple. So booyah haters, WE GOOD.

Ok I just went off on a tangent that I wasn't anticipating. I gotta jet outta here, it's almost lap dance time. (I promised her one, since she doesn't want one tonight from a stranger and I have waived my right to one this time around.) I'm not a dancer, so it's a good thing she loves me!

Remind me to tell the cutest story ever next time about going back to the bar where we first met and getting the same seats and having the perfect evening to honor the best day that made our present situation possible. Oh and going to Philly on our first road trip. And moving in together. I don't want to leave anything out since I am such a sporadic poster. Thanks for reading all. HAPPY FRIDAY!

Is My Gaydar Improving?

I made a new friend recently. She is a teller at the bank where my company takes is deposits each day and I am getting deposit trained, so we just met. She's fun, personable, bubbly, sarcastic, pretty, and  has a cool personality. I like when I meet people like this; people I don't have to entertain because they are entertaining enough on their own. It makes it more fun to get to know someone.  Anyway, we got to taking, found each other on facebook, then I invited her to a gig of mine I had two nights ago, we exchanged numbers and she actually showed up to the gig. I thought that was really nice of her, especially seeing that she lives like 35-40 minutes away from where the show was. 

At the show, I happened to see her as she was walking in with her flamboyantly gay guy friend and we started talking. I made a comment about how far she had to drive to get here, and she said something to the effect of "I came out for you", then she paused, her and her friend both laughed, (so did I, to myself, all ready to make a gay joke to her), and then she half way mumbled, "actually that was 12 years ago." The reason this is especially funny is that I had a inkling that she was gay since the first time I spoke with her one on one. She made a reference to me having a "boyfriend?, girlfriend?" And lets be honest, only gay people acknowledge the possibility of dating someone who is not the opposite sex. A few other comments had me guessing, but there were no real tells on Facebook that I could find. lme, after she said that comment, i paused for like 10 seconds then finally screamed out, "I KNEW IT!" I couldn't help myself, it was a triumphant moment for me. She does not look gay, and later described herself as a lipstick lesbian, so it must mean my gaydar is getting better!!

She swears she put out clues on purprose and I only know because she let me know. But I won't let her steal my thunder. I Sherlock Holmes'd that shit! Haha. After my gig, I sat with her and her friend over a hard cider or two, and discussed whether I was gay or not. At first, I tried to make her guess but she refused that game. So I starting dropping heavy hints, like calling a woman at the bar hot and eventually just saying, "well I'm gay too." After that was out, we pretty much only talked about being gay, how long we'd been out, a lot about sex (her more than me), and inadvertently i found myself flirting. Although, if she were a straight woman I think I would have acted and treated her the same way. I'm a friendly and outgoing person. It only came off as flirting because we're both gay. I started feeling bad though, because O.C. wasn't there (she left after I played b/c she had school in the morning), and my fnew friend didn't know I had a girlfriend and might have been getting the wrong idea. So I called myself out for flirting, and told them I had a girlfriend. Then I kind of felt like an ass the rest of the night, but she said she figured I had one because most musicians are assholes. OUCH! I think she was joking...

Anyways, she came to my open mic night that I host tonight, and we were cool. She's a very openly sexual person and I'm still gaging how to take that, but she's fun and cool and I like her. I'm sticking with my first theory, that my gaydar is in fact improving. Go me for knowing my own kind!

Past, Present, Future

So I spent my Saturday night cleaning my room with O.C. It's my first attempt to get organized in preparation for moving out of my parents and in with her. It's a big step and a necessary one. I'm almost 25, it's time to grow up.

So while I was cleaning my room, I kept stumbling upon little notes from Natalie. I threw one out, and kept buried a few others. It was a weird feeling. I felt guilty not throwing them all away, but part of me wants to keep them as a memento. Even though it ended poorly, probably never should have happened and will never happen again, there is a small part of me that likes to remember that time in my life. I don't know if that's wrong or bad, or if it's normal. I also don't want to throw it in O.C.'s face, so keeping it out of sight seems like the only way.

O.C. and I are coming up on a year since our first date. It's hard to believe it's been a year already, but at times I feel like I've known her forever. It's been a pretty amazing 365 days. We've been through good and bad, but we've done it together and as corny as that sounds, it's so true. I'm so thankful she is in my life. I really do love her.

She came out to her sister last week. We pretty much assumed she knew already but now she officially knows. She was supportive and I've talked to her since. Everything is still cool. That makes me happy. So now her dad and sister knows. And my mom and sister knows. The jury is still out on either of our remaining parents. Perhaps they know and choose not to acknowledge. No need to find out right now though. Ignorance is bliss.

Alright I have to go watch a friend perform an acoustic show at a coffee shop. Thanks for reading!

I miss my dog

My dog died Thursday morning. I watched her take her last breath. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. No one else was around and there was nothing I could do to help her. I just held her paw and pet her and told her how much everyone loved her and was going to miss her.

Her health had been declining over the last year. She was 12 and a half, with diabetes, prone to seizures and growing weaker everyday. I knew if she made it through the night we'd be taking her to the vet to be put down in the morning. But she never made it that long. Heidi took her final, tired breath at 3:40am on January 13th, 2011. Just before she died, I said a prayer. I asked God to take her out of this world as soon as possible, so she didn't have to suffer any longer than she already had. I could see the fear on her face and pain in her eyes. She was scared and confused. I just wanted it to be over for her. Within minutes of my prayer, she died. I've gone back and forth on my religious beliefs over the last few years, but I truly believe He answered my prayer that night.

I cried for nearly an hour, with my dead dog by my side. I texted O.C. as she was dying. It was so hard to be there, alone, watching my puppy suffer. She woke up and told me to hug her and just be there for her. So I did. After that, I just laid down next to her and tried to sleep so that the morning would come sooner.

About an hour and a half later, when my mom woke up for work, she came out and I told her about Heidi's passing. We both cried and I called my sister to tell her the news. I could barely choke out the words, "Heidi died this morning." It's gut-wrenching. Losing a pet is like losing a family member as far as I am concerned. She was a loyal and friendly dog, who was always there to listen, never judged me, never had a mean bone in her body, and loved unconditionally.

I will miss my puppy forever, but I know that she is in a better place, playing with all the other beloved pets from other families. And we will be together again one day.  I love you Heidi, wherever you are.

Happy New Year

Has it been over a month since I've posted? Yeah, that sounds about right. It's not like nothing ha happened. Tons of stuff has. Really good stuff. But I get this laziness (almost just typo'd leziness haha) after a while of doing something. Anything really. Even if I like it. Like posting, or writing songs, or promoting myself so that I can one day be a famous singer-songwriter or published writer. It becomes a task more than anything. P.S. I'm listening to a really good song right now. It's "Breathe Again" by Sara Bareilles. She's very good. I saw her live this summer at Lilith Fair. How gay of me, right? I saw lots of lezzies that day.

Ok back from A.D.D. land. It's a new year, I must write a new post!

So O.C. and I are STILL doing great. We're still happy and in love and all that jazz. But I see us progressing to a real relationship. Let me clarify. I hate the term 'honeymoon stage' because I don't like to think our happiness is a stage. But we're getting more and more comfortable with each other, so our true feelings are coming out more. Both good and bad. Not even bad, just matter of fact. Instead of seeing her later maybe, it's when am i going to see you and if it's longer than a night i need to know and please don't keep me waiting too long. I get it. I miss her a ton too but, i don't know. Sometimes I still need my alone time too. I feel bad saying that though. I don't want less of her, I just need a little bit for me. It's not a huge deal. I think this is natural. I am adjusting to life as a "we" instead of just life as a "me". It's worth it. She is absolutely worth it.

Work is going very well. Quite a change from the summer when I hated my job and my bosses and my life from 9-5 everyday. I like working with different people everyday in the service industry. Yeah I meet some crazies and deal with some BS, but I really like my boss and it will never be as bad as my last job. A few weeks ago I got this award from the CEO of the company for writing a little jingle about their product. I wrote it without any intent of it getting farther than the open mic I host, but I guess everything happens for a reason, and this did. I can tell some of my co-workers are not too thrilled. I don't know if it's jealousy or if they just want someone to be mad at because I haven't been with the company very long and already so much is happening for me. I don't really care much though. I'm doing my thing and that's all that matters.  No one knows I'm gay at work. Well, with the exception of my boss' boss' boss. He's the one who got my song to the CEO. He's been very helpful and supportive of me the last few weeks and was totally cool when I came out to him. It's nice to know I can find advocates higher up the ladder too.  Who knows where everything will lead but I'm excited to find out.

What else? I'm on my 2nd beer of the night, in bed mind you, after an 8.5 hour shift. I don't feel like thinking anymore. I feel like drifting off after a few quick final swallows. That's a strange thing to say. So I'll leave you with that. Who knows when I'll write again so HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Dropping Bombs

Sometimes I hate having a past. Because just when you think something is over and done with, its memory, its stain, its proof that you fucked up comes charging back into your life like it was yesterday. And you have to explain yourself to others and to yourself all over again. We all have a past and things in it that we aren't proud of. I feel like I have more than most. I've also had time to accept it because I lived it. But what about when other people find out? People close to, that you care about, whose opinion matters to you; who you care about and respect so much that you never want them to know what you were capable of at one point?

I am in a strange and somewhat upsetting place right now. From the beginning, I have been very open and honest with O.C. about my past relationships and "skeletons" in my closet. And up until this point, she has been more than understanding, more than patient and more than loving and accepting of those "tough times" in my life. I was very honest about it all, except one. One secret that I have kept from nearly everyone in my life. It was 4 years ago, hasn't been an issue in my life in 3 and I had accepted all the consequences that came with it. I was done with it. But deep down, it made me sick to think about keeping something so significant from her. I promised her I'd never lie to her and here I was keeping this thing from her.

So I told her.

Of all the things in my past that I have done, this is the one that upset her most. Maybe that's why it took me so long to tell her? I already suspected it would. I think in a way, yes that's true. I don't like to deal with things that give me anxiety (which this did) so I put it off. I felt better once I told her, and she wasn't mad at me per se, just the situation.

But now a new situation is occurring because the person this confession involves is still a part of my life. And that makes her uncomfortable. So now I have to choose between a possibly unhealthy friendship and my girlfriend. I've already chosen my girlfriend, but that doesn't make this transition any easier. This person is going to be upset and hurt, thinking all of our past issues were resolved. And now they are back. I know a lot of these issues I seem to encounter could have been solved if I had better judgement earlier on. But I learn by doing, which is why my past is so damn crazy. I wasn't thinking about how my actions would affect future relationships and it blowing up in my face.

We are still very much in love, still have open communication, still joke around, still have serious moments. We are great. But this is remains to be an underlying issue that I can't keep sweeping under the rug. The most important thing to me now is to ensure that O.C. is comfortable and happy in our relationship. She is my priority. She is my focus. I love her. I don't love the other person. I care about them, they are my friend but they don't trump the love of my life. So I will deal with it as the bombs keep dropping around me.