TMI? Sorry if it is..

I apologize in advance for what I'm about to tell you, but it's an issue that has to be addressed...

So, I'm starting to realize that I have a very high sex drive. Like, higher than most people I'm pretty sure. The more people I meet and talk to, the more I realize that I am not like the others, haha. I think about sex all the time, I'm ready to go all the time, and I'm pretty much game for anything. Now, don't get it twisted, just because all of the above is true does not mean I am A. getting it all the time or B. going out of my way to find it. I really enjoy sex and with the right person, love to have myself a gay (haha get it) ole time. But I don't NEED it to get through the day. Well, let me specify, I don't need to be hooking up with someone to get through the day. I make it work..if ya know what I mean. lol. Oh man, now I know it's TMI!

Being on the same page sexually is important in a relationship. Some of my best friends and I have very different views on sex. Which is okay because it's really not an issue since we have a platonic relationship, but it just goes to show you how different preferences and opnions can be. What if I'm too much for someone? Or if someone isn't enough for me? That could really put an uncomfortable weight on the relationship. And I'm not saying sex is everything, but it's definitely something.

I'm definitely not trying to bring it up with O.C. yet. We have barely even kissed since our first date, and because I like her so much, I definitely don't want her to get the impression that I'm only out for one thing. I really don't even let myself think about her like that too much. I have to earn her. I like that. I respect that. And if we get to that point, well... I'll be ready. Until then, i pretend like i don't have these raging hormones and desires to get it onnnn 24/7.

Ok I'll stop talking about this now..

The good feeling

I had a dream about Natalie last night. Her wife was there too actually. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I do remember that i had to play it cool. And also that they both knew who I was. I mean, obviously, Natalie did, but her wife knew that me and Natalie used to have something. But it was very clear in my dream that they were together. Not sure if they were happy or not, but I had to act like I didn't mind working side by side with them and wasn't bothered at all. I say acting because that's how it felt in the dream. I was uncomfortable and sad, but had to fake it. It was awkward. I don't know why I dreamt that. I have seen pictures of them together recently and it doesn't affect me. Not like it used to. I don't feel much of anything anymore.

But part of me does. Part of me wonders anyway, what happened to all the 'love' i used to have for her. What happened to all of the feelings I felt? Did they go away? Were they real to begin with? I don't miss the bullshit. I don't miss sneaking around. I don't miss being a secret, a lie. I don't miss the pain of settling. I don't miss wondering if I'll ever be enough. I don't miss anything about Natalie, except the tiny window of time where we were perfect for each other in this make believe world. I miss the feeling (even if that's all it was) of knowing there was someone out there for me that I could give myself to entirely. And yet, I'm realizing what a contradiction this is as I type it. She wasn't for me. And i should not have given her so much of myself, because she didn't deserve it. It was just a feeling. In a moment of weakness. For both of us.

I hardly think of her anymore, and when I do it's more just a matter of fact, like oh yeah, that happened. Even though things with O.C. aren't taking off super fast (that's a good thing), I am so much happier here than I was with Natalie. It's nerve-wrecking first dating somebody, trying to figure out if you both are on the same page, and if the things you say and do are affecting them as much as the things they say and do affect you. It's scary and exciting and fun. It's how things were meant to be. Not wondering if you'll ever be a priority, if you'll ever be enough.  I don't want her back. Ever. Ever. I don't miss her. I just miss the good feeling.

Tragedy strikes...seriously :(

This week, O.C.'s childhood friend passed away from Cystic Fibrosis. He was 21. It's incredibly sad and depressing. I'm pretty sure they were close, seeing as they grew up together and she has referred to him as a second little brother. As soon as I found out, I googled CF to learn more about it. It sounds like a pretty crappy disease (obviously) and the average age of survival is 37. This kid was 16 yrs off of that. I can't imagine what it's like to lose someone you've known your whole life. I've been lucky enough to not lose anyone close to me (minus my grandpa when I was 8, but I was so young and didn't know him very well). I can't imagine what she's going through, but I know it must be devastating.

The day he died she texted me inviting me to a concert on Saturday, which kind of surprised me. I knew she had plans to go to this concert because we discussed it on our date last weekend. But I thought she was going with someone else. And with the death of her friend, I assumed she wouldn't go at all. So needless to say, the invite really caught me off guard. She didn't know I knew at that point ( I read it on facebook), so I told her I'd love to go w/ her. It wasn't until the next day after several more FB posts that I texted her saying I was sorry for her loss. She told me how upset she was and how much it hurt. Al day long i kept thinking about her friend, and her, learning about CF and wishing there was something more I could do. I finally decided the best thing I could do besides letting her know I was here for her, and showing her a good time on Saturday was to donate money in her friend's name to the hospital where they took care of him. It wasn't a huge amount, but it was something. Every little bit helps. I guess his death really just made me think about how lucky I am to have my health. I didn't even know him. I'm still getting to know her, but I wanted to do something, so that's what I did.

I wasn't sure if she was going to cancel or not so I just waited for her to text me, and eventually she did. She asked me if I was still game to go to the show and I said yeah, definitely, if she still was. So I picked her up that night at 9, nervous as hell. The thing is, I want to be there for her, but I'm not sure exactly what she needs. Death, and tragedy all together really makes me uncomfortable, which seems like a shitty thing to say. I'm not even the one who lost somebody and I'm complaining cuz I don't know what to say? I might be uncomfortable, but not enough to let it really get in the way. My friends told me not to bring it up unless she wanted to, and other than that just be myself and show her a good night. Because her being there and inviting me means she wants to be around someone who will make her feel better, maybe help her escape her mind for a little while. So I found comfort in that. And once I picked her up, we were fine. I made her laugh, she made me laugh, it was ok. We goofed around and talked for the opening band, but by the main act I could tell she was somewhere else. Probably thinking about him. At one point I saw her wipe a tear away. I felt so bad. I wanted to do something but I didn't know what. I'm not an overly touchy person. In fact, I'm borderline awkward about it and I don't know if she wants to be touched (like a hug or something). So I just gave her her space and stayed quiet.

After the show was over, I asked her if she had a good time and she said yeah but she's really just tired of feeling numb. I didn't know what to say to that either, so I said nothing. We just walked back to the car, and eventually made some silly joke about i don't even know what. I waited until we got in front of her house to give her the card with the check in it. I wrote a little note in the card expressing my condolences and asked her to help the check find its way to the hospital. She was like 'this better not make me cry again!' I said it might. And then she thanked me for going with her and said she'd talk to me after tomorrow (after the funeral). 

I figured she'd text me some kind of response to the card. And she did. A long one, explaining why she asked me to go. She was originally supposed to go w/ someone from work, but she had a rough day last week at work after she found out and ended up breaking down in front of her coworkers. She was embarrassed about it, and afraid if she broke down again they'd think she was crazy. So she said I was the first person she talked to after she found out who wasn't a family member or mutual friend because she wanted to ask me to go to the concert with her. That to me is a pretty big deal. She feels comfortable with me, and isn't afraid to show her vulnerable side in front of me? That's what I want. I want her to have someone to go to. She also thanked me for the donation and for taking her mind of things for a little while. So I did my job. I'm glad. 

Overall, the night was good. Even in the middle of a truly sad and difficult situation, we managed to make the most of it together. I'm glad she trusts me enough to let me in a little. I hope we keep moving in this direction. I think she's an awesome person, and also a very private person. Not too many people get close to her- by her choice. I don't have any ill-intentions with her. I just want to keep getting to know her and be there for her in any way I can. 

But today is about remembering and honoring her friend who died entirely too young. R.I.P.

All ova the place tonight

It's so funny for me to interact with just about anyone on a daily basis, knowing what I know about myself, and knowing that they don't know. Tonight, I was working an event for my new job and I was talking to this girl that I've worked with before who volunteers for the organization and she was talking about threesomes. And she's like "I've never dated girls, but I've been invited twice now in the last month to have a threesome by guys and I'm just so curious about it. Has that ever happened to you?" And I just laughed and said "yes but that's different than dating girls. Most girls who date girls don't want to have threesomes with men." I was so tempted to let it slip but I held it in I figure there is a place and time for me to be out and proud (with people I trust. It's a process as we know) but if it seems forced, it probably is. So I let the moment pass.

I've been trying to work on my self-control lately. It's hard to say how it's going really. I mean, I'm not dating anymore married chicks. But I haven't met anymore either. I have this incredible habit of doing everything I'm absolutely not supposed to be doing. And the more I know that it's wrong, the more I want to do it. I reach a point in my mind that is basically the point of no return. You could tell me every reason in the world why I shouldn't do it, I would even agree with you. But I'd know in my heart and mind I was going to do it anyways. The temptation and thrill I get from that is truly out of control. But with all this taboo fun comes great repercussions. I don't remembr the last time I did something wrong that didn't back fire in my face. Which is why it's so frustrating to be me, because I never seemed to learn. I mean I do in small strides overtime, but the little devil on my shoulder always seems to be a step ahead.

In other news, I found out today that I am considered "femme" Haha, let me rephrase. I guess I kinda knew that. I'm definitely not butch or soft butch. But I wasn't ever really sure if I fit into a particular catagory. So I was discussing it today and I asked my friend what she thought I was and she said "Psh. Femme, Next question." It made me laugh first of all, but then I made her explain why. Apparently, I speak and act and look very feminine. Now, that might be the most obvious explanation to a question ever, but I guess I've never really thought of myself as very feminine. I mean, I'm most comfortable in jeans, a t-shirt and my Kangaroos (shoes). I hate purses with a passion, I've never had my nails done, I don't wear lots of jewelry and don't care if people buy it for me, my bra and underwear NEVER match, and on top of that, I like to play the more "guy" role with I'm out with someone. I like to open doors and pick up the tab, make the first move- all of that. But she explained that those things just mean I'm comfortable being in a dominant role, but I'm still feminine in my actions. Interesting point, I thought.

I was talking to my other friend the other day about types, and roles that we play. I don't really have a type. I'm attracted to very feminine looking women, as well as more masculine/soft butch/androgynous women. Long hair, short hair, sporty, girlie, casual, fancy, I like em all. So it makes it really hard for me to nail down my "role" in things. Like I said, I like to be the more dominant one, but what if I'm dating a woman who feels that way even stronger than I do? Do I change my presumed role to match the way they feel? Do we compromise and split the responsibility? Is there an expectation out there from women to fill a certain role? I have so much to learn about this lifestyle. I took a big step. I admitted to myself that I want to be a part of it. But it's like, now that I'm here I have no idea what the hell to do. I need to get involved in the community a little more, meet some people, make some friends who can show me the ropes, but I barely know how to do that. Coming out is such a process. Who the hell knew?? Ah well, it's better than dating a man!

Alright I'm done writing this novel for now. Peace!

Coming out for realZ

I think I'm going to tell someone in my family soon. I'm feeling compelled. It will either be my mom or my sister. I can't tell my dad til I'm ready to have him disown me. Which, I guess I've been pretty close to for a while. But still living at home would make that pretty unbearable. When I move out this summer, maybe it will be a different story. I'm just sick of not being able to be myself around people who should love me no matter what.  I guess this will be the true test!

I can just see how it will happen. I'll rehearse it in my mind, plan what I want to say and then get in the moment and just blurt it out. "I like girls!" Ha, that's totally how it's going to go. I laugh a lot when I get nervous or uncomfortable, so basically I'm going to be giggling nervously and then just have the words fall out of my mouth, and the probably start nervous laughing again. I'm smooth like that. I really think my mom at least suspects something. My sister, who is 2 years older than me and my polar opposite, has no idea. I'm actually more nervous to tell her. I don't think she'll know what to do, besides get awkward and never bring it up again, haha. Awesome.

I just started a new job two days ago, but I've known my bosses for over 2 years. I think eventually I'll want to come out to them too. I know some people don't like the fact that being gay is something that has to be told to people, or that some feel obligated to tell others. But I actually want to. I want to be out and be a part of who I am, but not all of who I am. I guess that's the biggest fear I have, aside from  not being accepted. I don't want people to look at me as just the gay girl. I'm so much more. I'm the awkward girl, the inappropriate sexual joke girl, the singer-songwriter, the good friend, sister, daughter, etc. I don't want to hide that it's a part of who I am, but don't want it to be everything I am. Does that make sense?

 The good news is I'm finally accepting it myself so it's easier for me to want to tell people. I used to be so embarrassed and ashamed of my feelings. I did a lot of nervous laughter when i talked about it with even my closest of friends. But now it's less of a joke and more of a reality. I like the ladies, and the ladies like me! :)

Ok time for bed. Hump Day tomorrow, woohoo! Night.

Light bulb moment!

Ok, after careful consideration and discussions with most of my close friends, I think I figured it out. My big confusion really isn't so confusing after all. I THINK she does like me. A lot. I mean who goes on a date for nine hours with someone they don't like? On their only day off?

I think what's throwing me off is that the physical part of a relationship has always been where my focus has been. Not that I'm some slut. But sex has become kinda casual for me over the years. For one reason or another. When I was younger, like in high school I thought it was something special. I was waiting. But life happens, You get hurt. And you lose a little bit of that thinking, until you end up seeing things completely different than how you started. I think it has become that way for a lot of people. Especially when trying to figure out your sexuality. I basically started just experimenting (for lack of a better word) in college. You do it when you're drunk, even though you think about it when you're sober, kinda thing.

Anyways, so in a twisted way, I'm taking her taking it slow approach personal, because everything I've known to this point has been shown through sex. The thing is, I don't just wanna sleep with her. I haven't even really allowed myself to think about that. I really like her. And i don't want to rush it. I don't want to ruin it. I didn't even think I was going to kiss her the first time we hung out, until the moment when I actually did. I think that probably has her doing even less with me now. I get the feeling that was out of character for her, so now she's trying to reel it back in.

So I think I'm just going to try and stop over thinking things so much. I could be completely off on this theory of mine. But it really doesn't matter. She keeps talking to me. And if she wants to hang out again, we can. As soon as I stop sweating the small stuff, I think things will go smoother. Here's for hoping!

Indecisive as always

I'm having trouble deciding on a color scheme for my blog. Bear with me. It will change again soon! I need to master the design of blogs so I can make the coolest one possible! haha I'm such a nerd. I'll figure it out though.

In other news, O.C. texted me this morning. Twice. I'm truly confused by her. Sometimes I just wanna be like listen, what's the deal? I like you, I think you like me. Where is this going? But I won't, cuz that would not be playing the game right. So I'll just sit here, twiddling my thumbs, changing the font colors on my blog, waiting for a sign or a clear cut answer to my life's dilemmas. Ha, I'm passive like that.

Here's a question. Although I'm not entirely sure who is all reading my blog, (but thank you for those of you who do), but I wonder are the rules for hetero dating the same as same sex? I was talking to my  best guy friend about it last night. He says I'm absolutely sucking at the game right now. I'm chasing her. She has all the control. I need to act like I don't care & let her come to me. Basically I need to back off and if she wants me she'll work for it. But I don't operate like that. I just wanna hang out, be cute and dorky instead of trying to play it cool (which is realllly not my style haha), and see what happens. The girl he's dating now he says he never calls her first, never asks to hang out and they've been dating for like 5 months. Why does that work? Do I need to do that? If anyone has insight for me, I'd greatly appreciate it. What's a girl to do?

Alright, off to fill out some paper work for the new job tomorrow. Latas!

Zoo Date

I picked her up at noon. We started early so work wouldn't completely suck for her the next day when I kept her out all night. I picked her up and we went to the zoo. It was supposed to be 61 degrees and sunny, so I figured it was a good idea. But it didn't feel like 61. It felt 51 and breezy. And she's always cold, so I kinda felt like an ass. But she was a sport about it. I kinda had to keep the conversation going, which actually has always been the case, but as soon as I found a good subject, she kept up. She still makes me laugh. I like that.

So the zoo was fun. We scowled at all of the annoying little children, and oooh'd and ahhh'd at the animals. And then we went to a trendy neighboring town and grabbed a late lunch. Well, first we went to a bar and had an afternoon beer. And THEN we got some food. By the time that was over it was around 5 or so. So we started heading back to her place, and i successfully parallel parked (after 3 attempts) and she invited me in. Woo hoo! Haha yeah don't get too excited, it wasn't like that. Only in my mind, it was. She has a really cute house that she rents, with very little furniture. So  we had a beer and watched this really funny show for a a little bit and then she was like 'my house is boring, do you wanna do something else like see a movie".

Now, this is the second time that she has extended our evening while on a date. And maybe I should have played harder to get instead of over eager beaver (haha I said beaver) but I like spending time with her and I'm really bad at playing the game, so  I was like yeah let's do it. So I drove us to the nearest theater and we saw Alice in Wonderland in 3D which btw, is freakin' expensive as shit! $27 for two tickets cuz you got those damn glasses with it. That's okay, I didn't really mind. Now this is going to sound really childish. Are you ready? I totally wanted to hold her hand the whole movie. Like I tried to and then I stopped cuz I felt dumb. But it was on my mind the while time. I realize that's really not the 24 yr old thing to say, but sometimes I feel so new at this stuff that I just sound like an inexperienced kid.

I decided in the movie though that I would definitely kiss her at the end of the night. Like for sure. It was a done deal, just a matter of time. When the movie ended we headed back to her house and I told her I'd walk her to her door. Now, here's where it gets confusing for me. We spent the last 9 and a half hours together right? She thanked me for spending the day with her. She smiled a lot. She said she had fun. You'd think this is where our romantic moment movie kiss would happen, right? Except that I felt like she kissed me just to get it over with. Like, I was ready to move in slowly, make it kinda sexy/romantic as much as an awkward girl like me can and she like leaned in, pecked me 3 times and stopped. (I'm starting to laugh as I type this, realizing how ridiculous this sounds.) I tried to keep it going a little bit but she ended that real quick, while smiling, but still saying "we're not going to make out for 30 minutes again" and I said whyyy nottt? ha ha. (No seriously, why not?) I'm not saying I'm trying to get in her pants. It's not like that at all, but if I spend my afternoon and night with you and we both had a good time and we are interested in each other, i think a little kissing is okay, right? And then she said, 'as much as I want to... we can't. What does that mean? We can...if you just let it happen? I didn't push it too much, seeing as that would be creepy and highly uncool. So I said have a good night and off I went. But seriously, what's that about? Am I in the friend zone? Am I expecting too much too fast? We made out for half hour in the parking lot of where we went on our first date and she was all about it. Now it's like... confusing.

Well all of that aside, I had fun with her. I still like her. I want to see her again, but I won't initiate it for a while. According to my friends, I need to start playing the game better and making myself less available. So less texting, less availability. Less less less. This is why I hate the game. It's such a clusterfuck of confusion for me. Nothing is ever as it seems, so I'm left questioning if I did the right thing or if she'll still like me if I do this or don't do that. I love women, but this dating thing gives me a head ache! I'm off to bed. I'm sleepy. Niiiight!

Date # 3 tomorrow!

Ok so this is good. This feels good. I have high hopes. Date # 3 is tomorrow. It's an afternoon date. We're going to the zoo. I think it's a pretty cute idea, myself. And not just cuz it was mine. Who doesn't like to see all the cute, furry, wild animals in their unnatural habitat of cages and fences? Ok well maybe I won't pitch it like that next time. But I think it's a good way to get outside and enjoy the weather, and talk, and just enjoy each other's company.

I'm excited to see her again. It'd be too soon to say i miss her and I know that. But I'm just so excited to keep getting to know her. It's an awesome and scary feeling in these beginning stages of dating. I hope she knows I like her. I hope she feels the same. But who the hell knows really? It's so easy to continually doubt myself. Thankfully she keeps responding to me with positive feedback, so i know I'm doing something right at least.

I was kinda shyer, more passive on Tuesday. I'd like to be a little more aggressive tomorrow. Not too much. But it's important to keep moving this thing forward and to be honest, more than anything right now, I really, really, truly.... just want to kiss her. Like, in the movies. Not induced by alcohol aka liquid courage. But in the moment, we both feel it, I'm nervous as shit but still go for it, kiss her. It's making me grin like a fool just thinking about it. I know I can. I mean I kissed her after our first date. I wasn't drunk then. Had a few drinks over 8 hours, but not drunk. But that was before I had all this time to think about how much I like her. I tend to over think things sometimes so I have to force myself to play it cool. And I need to remember, she's probably just as nervous as me.

Well I better get to sleep so I don't over sleep the big zoo date extravaganza! That would be sad. I'll report back with the details once I have them! :) Night!

She wants it

So i fought my urge to text her again and she texted me. Ha ha. Go me. I'm seexxxxy! Ok, well maybe I'm getting a little carried away, but I'm feelin' pretty good. Just wanted to share that.

My hangover is all gone too. What a lovely Thursday it is turning into. :)

Success!

So drinks date went awesome!! It actually turned into dinner too. And then we went to her favorite bar after that. Her idea. I knew she had to work the next morning, so  wasn't trying to keep her out late, but she suggested the place after dinner so of course I was cool with that. I really wanted to kiss her by the end of the night. Like really, really bad. But instead, in my typical awkward fashion, I kinda stalled and made a comment about being awkward. Lucky for me, she thinks it's charming. So she told me t get in my car, which sounds mean but i think it was kinda cute. And then she asked what I was doing Saturday and said we should hang out.  :) :) :) I tried to play it cool and not smile like it was the best suggestion I ever heard, but I'm pretty sure she knew. The cool thing is she was smiling like that too.

Now, I don't wanna get tooooo excited cuz I got this excited after our first date and then I didn't see her for two weeks. But it is a little different because we're already planning to hang out on Saturday. I just really don't wanna screw this up but I'm still learning the rules of dating. I told one of my friends/college mentors that I'm pretty sure I'm gay and she was really cool about it but had lots of questions, especially about who I was dating and what the dynamic is between two women and how do you know when to call, who pays, who makes the moves, who calls who, all of that. And I was like, those are great questions and I'm just kinda wingin in on all of them! She (O.C) did pick up the tab this time for our first drinks and our dinner, which i didn't expect but it was nice. She was like you paid last time it's my turn. So she plays fair. I like that.

I'm hopeful this keeps going in a good direction. If I just play it cool, I think it will. Sounds simple. If only I knew how to do that! Ha. Basically I need to fight all my instincts and let things happen. I do have to plan something fun for Saturday. The zoo maybe? Maybe but it might be too cold. I'll keep you posted on my decision. I'm off to go recover from my St. Patty's Day  hangover!

Drankssss

Drinks tonight after work. My last day of work. Me and O.C. (I've renamed date girl O.C. which are the initials of the city she lives in. I call people by where they are from.) So I'm grabbing a drink after work with O.C.  Not sure what to expect. I guess I don't expect anything. I didn't last time and it worked out for me. Of course, it took forever to get to this point again. I dunno what her deal/plan is. Maybe she doesn't have one either. Who knows. I know that I'm excited to see her again. I just can't let her know that. All part of playing the game, right?

Gotta go to work now, peeeeeace!

The sound of music...my music!

So I have a show tonight. Not sure who is going to show up. She (date girl) told me last week she'd love to see me play. But she's weird. Not weird, just hard to read. We talk sporadically. I've backed off, a lot. But she texted me again yesterday. Said she was sick, which I kinda believe but kinda don't. I can't decide. I feel like maybe she doesn't wanna come to my show and that'd be a good excuse. But she still told me god luck for my show last night. Girls are damn confusing. These stupid ass games. I wonder if i play games and don't realize it? Maybe it's not a conscious thing for everyone. Could I be so wrapped up in my own life i don't realize how my actions are affecting others? Yeah, that sounds pretty likely.


Ok fast forward like 10 hours. I forgot to post this when I first wrote it, and now the night has come and gone and so has my show. It went well, but I was right. Date Girl was  no show. Not surprised. Her loss, I was onnn point tonight! haha Ok my eyes burn, but let's talk more about dating tomorrow, k? Ok goodinght.

Indifferent

I see her picture and I feel... nothing. I feel nothing. I don't feel sad, or empowered or longing. I feel indifferent towards her. Natalie, that is. I thought I would feel something. I thought it would get hard again, I thought I would miss her. I don't. And seeing her doesn't make it worse. It doesn't affect me at all. She's faking happiness. I know she is. It's what she does. I used to live my life based on how i could make hers better. Silly. It was just silly. But it happened. And I found out I wasn't enough. Well, I thought it was me. I thought I wasn't enough. But she was never right from the start. This was never going to end well. I really, really, really thought it would. When i was in my own little world, I had all the faith in the world. I found a letter i wrote on my computer from Jan. 17 and i'm going to share it with you now. To show how deep in I was:

I miss you so much it hurts me to think about. I thought with time this would get easier. But no matter how distant of a memory I try to make you, you just won’t go away. You will not leave my mind. That’s where you’ve always been. Even before you left, most of our relationship was in my mind. We never really got past the beginning stages of what could have been. I know you didn’t do this on purpose. But this still happened. I feel tight in my chest like I can’t breathe any time I allow myself to think about you. It consumes me. I thought you could make me happy too. You did. Even when you were hurting me by being with her. Your presence, as minimal as it was, made me happy. We could have been something amazing. Truly amazing. We could have been happy together. It’s so hard to think that we were so close, seemingly. This wouldn’t hurt so bad if I didn’t believe so strongly in us. But you are gone. You can’t leave. You can’t get rid of your baggage no matter how badly I want you to. Or you want to yourself.  I’m so torn about whether or not I regret what we had. In one sense, absolutely not. You introduced a feeling to me that I have never known before. You will always be my first love, no matter how unconventional or messed up our relationship was. You will always hold that title. How can I regret my first love? But at the same time, I can’t imagine a worse pain than this, right now, and I don’t see it ending anytime soon. We are perfect for each other. We could be happy. We could have the greatest love together. But we can’t be together, so none of that matters. And all of that makes it hurt ten times worse. I miss you everyday and I think about you all the time. I want to send you these things that I write but I know I can’t. I can’t let you know how I feel because it doesn’t matter. None of this matters anymore. I have to suffer alone. You have to suffer alone. We have to suffer without each other and without anyone else.

I want to talk to you. I want to hear your voice. We could talk about the weather, I just want to be connected to you somehow. I’m on the verge of tears wishing you were with me or near me or talking to me. I want you to hold me like you did before you were gone, Before you knew you were leaving. I want you to hold me because you love me, not because you’re losing me.

I like my last line. Hold me because you love me, not because you're losing me. She was never able to hold me like that. And even if she dropped all her baggage tomorrow, I wouldn't want her to anymore. I just don't feel the same. I don't feel anything. i don't want to see her. Or talk to her. And I don't wish for any other ending. I'm going to find happiness. In some way, shape or form, I know it's out there for me. And it's not her. And it is possible without her. I didn't believe that for a long time. But now I know it's possible.

Love should not be this hard. If it is, it's not real.

 

2 thoughts before bed

1. Being the "guy" is tough. What I mean by that is, as a straight girl, your job is to be cute, make the guys want you, and be pursued. It's how it's always been. I know some situations are different, but for the most part this is how it works. And I also know some gay girls don't chase either, but I'm talking in generalizations. I am finding myself in new territory lately. It's not necessarily a bad thing. There are aspects of this new role that I really like. I like taking care of the person I'm with, or trying to be with. Simple things like opening doors, paying for dinner, things like that. I like it. But the part I'm new to is playing the role of the guy- the chase. The pursuer. I can't imagine having to do this as a teenager, like guys actually do. Where would you get the nerve to put yourself out there and ask a girl out, having no idea if she'll shoot you down to your face or surprise the hell out of you and say yes. You can have all the confidence in the world, but I don't care who you are, asking a girl out is nerve wrecking! Not even so much asking her out, but continually pursuing her, trying to read her mind, her intentions, her interest in you. I'm not saying I'm not up for the challenge... I'm just saying, it's tricky and I have new respect for anyone who does it.

2. I forgot how much fun it is to have a crush. All that uncertainty aside, the excitement you feel when you're first getting to know someone is amazing. I love thinking about the possibility of something great. It makes me smile. Yay for crushes on cute, smart, funny girls. :)

So all I have to do is play it cool, say and do all the right things, and hopefully my crush will turn into awesome possibilities. :) Alright, time for sleeeep. Nighto!

=)

Sheeeeee liiiiikes meeeee! Booyah!

I need to think of nicknames for people. So the girl from my date we'll call her.... well, let me think about it, haha. I'll get back to you!

Time for work! Boring, boring work. Maybe I'll talk to her on Facebook all day again. No, I can't talk to her again for another day. I have to play the game, right? But I'll be thinking about her and smiling all day. That'll be fun. Ok I'm a dork, I'm leaving. Byyyyyye/

It's not a rebound, it's a reality check

Everyone told me the best way to get over Natalie was to meet someone new. A rebound? That's what I thought, but that's not what I found. Reality is kinder to some than others. It's certainly kinder to me than it is Natalie. I kept myself in this isolated place for so long, I banished myself to sadness without ever really taking into consideration the facts. I became dependent, and insecure.

 

But in a moment of desperation, I let myself out of that darkness. I let myself see beyond right in front of me. That was how I got here in the first place. I failed to see past right in front of me. We both did. I thought I would have a broken heart forever. I thought I'd be damaged and scarred. I thought I'd never be able to trust myself with seeing her again. And then I met someone else. I allowed myself to consider the possibility of someone else and the results were astonishing! I'm not saying I'm in love. I'm not even saying this person I met is the one for me. What I'm saying is I don't need Natalie to be happy. There are other girls out there, who are single, and smart, and funny and capable of loving me the way I deserve. This new girl showed me I have options. And my reality check is better than my denial.

 

Of course Natalie would never walk away from me. Her denial is better than her reality. And now that I'm on the outside looking in, it's all so very clear to me. I'm glad I felt that pain though. I'm glad that I felt the suffering I did because it taught me about myself. It has made me a better song-writer. And i think it will make me a better person. To know and understand what heartbreak is is an excrutiating, but absolutely necessary part of life. She will always be the first, but because I am able to move on, I know she will not be the last.

 

So thank you, reality check, for showing me what I'm capable of: happiness.

Serious topics wear me out

So i just reread my own blog. I mean it's nice, it's interesting I guess. But I'm really not this serious of a person. I am when I have to be. But mostly I'm a giant goofball who laughs at any and all things dirty and hopes you do too!

So let's tell a funny story. Better yet, let's post a funny picture that tells it's own story. The following is an actual baby picture of mine. If it were anybody else's baby picture, this would be creepy and I would feel highly inappropriate. But it's not. It's me. Age 0.

Ahahahaha how do my parents NOT know I'm gay?? Honestly.  Ok I think that's enough for now. I've redeemed myself as the goofy girl. Now back to the headaches and heartaches of coming out.

Telling my family

So I've been going back and forth for a couple months now on whether to tell people in my family. Most recently I was considering telling my mom. We have a pretty close relationship and part of me thinks she has her own suspicions about me anyway. She has that motherly sense, you know? I was very close to telling her two weeks ago. But something happened. I got a new job.


I know what you're thinking, what does that have to do with anything? Well, the thing is, my mom and I get along about most things. She's even-tempered and patient and easy to talk to. Except when it comes to my future in the professional world. Something about this topic brings the overbearing-in your face-tell you obvious things-don't take no for answer-judgmental-can't hide your feelings-side out in her. And I just can't deal with it. I've always been the 'wild card' in my family. My sister is very driven and goal oriented. Both my parents are established professionals. And then there's me. I didn't always do well in school. My dream is to be a musician/song-writer. Very not practical. I'm not practical, I'm creative and I have dreams. But I've been going down the professional path lately. And I got this new job. A job I think I would like to do until I can follow my dreams completely. My parents should be thrilled. And for the most part I think they are. But my mom became very... overbearing during the process of negotiating salary and deciding if I want this job. She was judgmental and outspoken. And it really bothered me. I'm 24. I am capable of making my own decisions and I don't need anyone, especially my family, making me feel bad about those decisions. 


So long story short, I was about a week away from coming out to my mom and she had to go and do that. It's times like that when I worry that she would take this news and look at it in a practical way. Like "You can't be gay, think of how much harder you're going to make it on yourself." As if I have a choice. I just worry that she won't understand. Which, in some ways, I completely understand why she wouldn't. Hell, I'M still trying to understand. I keep saying I don't even know what I'm coming out as. I like women. I only want to date women. I don't want to date men. Don't particularly enjoy sex with men. I absolutely enjoy sex with women. And yet, I won't call myself a lesbian. What's that about? 


I guess what it really comes down to at this point is this: I have trouble with absolutes. I'd say commitment, but it's more than that. And I can be a very loyal person, so commitment is the wrong word. I don't believe in forever- that's an absolute. I don't believe in never. By calling myself a lesbian, I am swearing off men for good. Men have been such a huge part of my life up until this point. Not all good. In fact, a lot bad. But they have helped shape who I am today. The second I call myself a lesbian, people instantly have new expectations for me. Expectations that i don't know if I can live up to, or want to live up to. And everyone keeps telling me that I don't need a label. Maybe I'll believe in that one day. But right now, I'm trying to figure out who I am. I don't know what to call myself. How can I define me without a name. Without a label. How do I come out to those closest to me when i don't even know what to tell myself?


I was having dinner with my family last night, and my sister's boyfriend. It was my birthday dinner. We were having fun. Everyone was getting along (for once). But I couldn't help but wonder how different it would have been if they knew the real me. Not that I am faking who I am. But what if they knew all of me? Would they still be able to sit at a table with me and laugh and joke and take what I have to say seriously? Would they still want to be in the same room with me? My sister is a bit sheltered in some ways. She gets uncomfortable very easily talking about anything sexual, even as a joke. My dad is borderline homophobic, and we do not have a very good relationship as it is. For years, he has seen everything I do as a screw up, and the only reason I have been successful is because he has "saved my ass time and time again." So I'm really not looking for one more thing to screw up in his eyes. And my mom, well like I said, we're close but we have our disconnects. I just want to be able to be myself and not be afraid that the people closest to me will look at me different. I want to know that they will accept me, and not distance themselves from me because they don't understand or approve. 


I don't know. All of this is so much to deal with. And it's only one sliver of my life. There is so much else going on around me. Around everyone. I'm just trying to make it, like everyone else. Just trying to survive the best way I know how. It's tough being confident, and strong and positive and successful- it's tough being all these things I know I'm capable of- when there's so much to be unsure about. But I'll take this burden over faking being someone I'm not any day.

Playing the game

So, I have like a million and one things going on in my life right now. I recently was offered my first full time job w/ salary and benefits, so I'm really exited about that. I have my music career, which is on the cusp of taking off (once I complete my never-ending to do list), and who knows where that will take me. Of course, I have to continue maintaining my relationships with friends and family, all while trying to come out to myself and others. And I'm dating again. Talk about a lot on my mind!

Let's talk about dating. Because it's most relevant right now and honestly, it's juuciest. So you kind of know my history a little bit. The last 6 months anyway. I fell in love with a married woman and lost the battle for her time, attention, love and all that. Although as time goes on, I see that she actually lost me. But whatever.

So I'm dating. I've never been much of a dater, even when I was dating guys. I know I could get dates. I just, I dunno, I've never been like other girls. Not in my own mind anyway. Growing up, I was a major tom boy (I have pictures of the bowl cut to prove it). I wasn't all cutesy and girly. Didn't know how to flirt or any of that. Needless to say, I grew up pretty awkward when it came to dating. I've grown out of my awkward habits for the most part (or learned how to turn my awkwardness into something charming/endearing) and am pretty confident in my ability to carry a conversation/flirt/be sexy! Haha sorry. But seriously, I'm almost all "better" now. But what I do have a problem with is playing the game.

Everyone knows about the game. The one where you pretend like you don't care and aren't interested even though you absolutely do and you really really are. Why do we have to play games anyway? If I like you, and you like me, why do I have to ignore you for two days after we had an awesome date? And why am I needy and clingy if I ignore that rule and text you the next day? It's silly and annoying, and apparently necessary. I need to master my skills before I become that girl. I'm not trying to U-Haul it, I swear! I'm just saying I'd like to see you again. Is that so bad?

So my date on Saturay was amazing. We went out to dinner at this trendy little place in what is known as the "gay" city of the area. It was a blind date, so I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was definitely not disappointed once we met. We talked for nearly 6 hours. She's smart, funny, attractive, atristic, well-spoken, has goals, has a good job, she laughs at my jokes (which is a BIG plus, and really important given the fact that I am rarely ever serious), and she seemed to be having just as good of a time as I was. And sure, I'll kiss and tell.. she seemed to enjoy that part of our evening as well!

So why is it that I walked away from that evening thinking a second date was guaraunteed and less than a week later, I'm wondering if she's even thought of me since? Am I just paranoid? Insecure? I don't know, maybe? I obviously don't let this crazy side of me out to her. But I do feel like I'm chasing her and I don't like that. So I'm going to back off. I'm going to act like I have better things to do. Fake it til I make it? I'm going to play this damn game and hope it works. I'm told it's good to date around a little. Not be a hoebag, but check out all the possibilities, as opposed to banking on just one. But I'm the kind of person who likes to focus on one girl at time, despite my extreme A.D.D. in everything else. So this will be new for me.

Part of me thinks I am even more like this as a result of dating a married woman. I was always fighting for her attention, her love. And any chance I had to talk with her, call her, text her, see her, I jumped on it. Because that time was always limited. I'm new at this healthy relationship/dating thing. Bear with me!

Sometimes I feel like an actual crazy person. I wonder, does anyone else put themselves through all these mental hoops, or have I just completely lost my mind? Maybe once I really lose it, I'll stop caring and things will just fall into place? Maybe that'll be my new goal: insanity! All I know is I'm not going to text this girl or call her or talk to her online at all unless she cantacts me first. Something about her earning me? Who knows, but I have nothing to lose at this point.

Not this time

So, a little background for you. Back in August I met a woman that came into where I worked. She worked across the street and would come in for her morning coffee each day. Anyways, we started talking outside of work and eventually one thing led to another and before I knew it... we were in love. (I realize that is the very, very abridged version, but it's important to keep this saga moving.) Now where was I? Oh yeah, being in love.

I've never been in love before, so this was kind of a big deal for me. Not kind of, it was. The problem was, and still is (if this were still an ongoing thing), is that she's "married" to another woman. We went through the whole thing of me waiting and hoping and her promising to leave her. All of that. But when it really came down to it, I was in my own little disillusioned world. The reality was that we would never fully, truly be together. That has been an incredibly hard pill for me to swallow. Debilitating even. Just gut-wrenching heartbreak all around. 3 weeks ago, I cut her out of my life for good. No more talking to her. No more thinking about her. Nothing. I had to do it for my own sanity. It is impossibly hard to love someone who can't love you back the way you want them to. The way you deserve to be loved. And it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I've noticed over the last 3 weeks however, that by not allowing myself to think about her anymore, my suffering has gone dramatically down. I even had a date last weekend! And it went very well! (More on that later). It was like flipping a switch. I had been waiting for something else to happen for so long that when it finally did (even though it was a choice I made, not her), it's like I was ready to move on. I'm not naive to that fact that I could easily slip back into this trap of sadness. The second I get too comfortable I know it will creep back in. But I've never felt freer from this pain than i do right now.

The thing about a breakups is it's just this constant roller coaster of emotions. I'm strong right now. I hope I can remain strong, but there's always that temptation, that curiosity looming. What if I just take a peak at her blog? Or read through old emails. Or look through old pictures. It's all at my finger tips. I just have to maintain this desire to want more for myself. I know she can't make me happy so I need to stop letting her make me sad.

That being said, she wrote me a blog today. Wait. Time out. Let's rewind. One of the only ways I was ever able to communicate my thoughts to her was through blogging, because her wife knew about me, we had to be super secretive. So she eventually made one too and would occasionally post on it. When I stopped talking to her 3 weeks ago, I tried to unfollow her blog but couldn't figure out how to. And i was really trying. So on my dashboard page, it always shows the blog I'm following and the updates from them. For 3 weeks nothing changed. Until today when I saw the subject line of my name. She had written me. Even though i asked her not to contact me anymore. This is what she said:

i don't know if you ever check this.

i honestly hope that you don't.

i hope that you've moved on from this fucked up situation.

but, if you happen to stumble onto this blog again in the future, i want you to know that i still think of you every day and i hope nothing but the best for you. you will always hold a very special place in my heart and i thank you for everything that you've given me.

love,
nat

I didn't want to read it, but I have this little self-control problem (shocking, I know) and I knew i was going to look at it. The fact that she wrote this shows me that she isn't strong enough or maybe she's too selfish to see why it's not right for her to do. She says she doesn't want me to read it, but if that were true she wouldn't post it to begin with. I just don't understand why she keeps telling me things like this when she can't follow through. One of the most frustrating things about her was that she never fought for me. She promised me we'd be okay and then never made it happen. She also never pushed me away when she knew she couldn't be what I needed/wanted her to be. She just kinda coasted off of whatever I chose to do at the time. I wanted to feel like I mattered and when I wasn't strong enough to walk away, I wanted her to be strong for the both of us. But she told me she's not strong enough. She's weak. That's why she's trapped in this unhappy life. Too weak to do anything about it.

It makes me sad for her. I cut her out of my life for survival, but I still want her to be okay. I still want her to survive. Not just survive, but find happiness. I thought I could make her happy. I thought if I just loved her enough and let her know, then everything would be okay. But I was wrong. I was naive to think this was ever in my power or control. The more time goes on and I begin to heal, the more I see that this was doomed from the start. But I have absolutely learned from this. I'll never be here again. (I hope not, anyways. I have a nasty habit of repeating history too. All of this you will learn). I won't be fooled again. Not this time.

From now on, SINGLE LADIES ONLY. And even they give me trouble! More on that tomorrow. Off to bed now. Goodnight.

Still not out...but it's only day one!

Coming out is about so much more than just pride. I'm not ashamed that I like women. But I feel like I'm still trying to accept it sometimes. There are so many people who wouldn't understand and I don't know if I'd be able to explain it to them. How do you come out when you don't know what you're coming out as? I'm just me.

I will say, one of the best things about not "looking gay" is that no one knows or expects me to be checking them out. But I totally am. All day long. Ha. See I'm just like everyone else. A big ole perv with sex on the brain. Of course, I'm also looking at these women and thinking, hmm..I wonder if they are funny, smart, etc. That's how I know I'm not a man, I just occasionally think like one.

Anyways, I'm about to leave for work now, where I am totally straight. I can't imagine being out at work. Like I don't have enough awkward moments to get me through the day, let me talk to the girl who goes to church every weekend about my lifestyle 'choices.' No thanks. So I'll post more later. Stay tuned!